How do you co-parent with a difficult ex?

[Laurenjessicax]

Just want some advice really on what I can do to make my life easier and how you deal with a difficult ex? It's getting to the point where my ex is making life hell for me and my son. My son goes Fri and Sat but say he has an activity at the weekend, for example a football game or a party etc I'll message about it offer to pick him up take him and drop him off after if he doesn't want to and receive 0 response so I'm left telling people I'm unsure if he'll attend. He'll not communicate leaving us all in the dark about what's happening. There's always something that never comes back on Sunday like spelling book / lunchbox so again I chase no response. I'm embarrassed explaining to school why things are missing. I'm embarrassing looking like an idiot telling people I don't know if my son can go to the party. I'm fed up paying for replacements of stuff that's left. I hate how I work so hard to be organised with everything and my ex just throws everything into chaos and it's me and my son that are effected. We pick up and drop off at school and clubs so we don't cross paths meaning I can never just say where's his juice bottle can you go get it? It's getting to the point where I'd rather just say no to anything on a weekend because my son gets upset not knowing if he can go. Talking to him is a no go as I've tried he has a very immature selfish attitude which is just ignore everything and everyone. His family have tried again just ignores them. Anything that's a slight inconvenience to him it's very much a f*ck off not my problem and leave me alone attitude. I don't even bother chasing anymore I just buy replacements and wait to hear on the day if our son did or didn't go.

Why is he going every weekend? Stop that straight away. Thats not fair on either of you. When do you get weekends with the child? Does he ever tKe him to parties?

I would just pop these invites in his bag .. tell Dc dad needs to reply ..

is it every other weekend . Could he keep him Sunday night and then he needs to drop him at school with everything.

Do you collect ? I would literally go through his stuff on the doorstep .

Because he originally wanted 50/50 to which I said no so we settled on Friday and Saturday as they're his only days off and I have one weekend a month. Even that's another issue he wants it stated he has son 2 nights a week purely for maintenance reasons and was very hesitant in giving up that one weekend a month until I said I really don't care about upping maintenance. He'll not do anything with him on a weekend either he just wants him there to make sure he doesn't have to pay anymore.

We hand over at school and clubs then on the Sunday I collect him from his uncles as ex refuses to be anywhere near me for no reason at all other than to be difficult and immature. At which point ex is long gone meaning no chance at getting his stuff back. I'm not confrontational and would never want to seem petty as though I have a real issue over a £3 juice bottle but point being it's something every week it all adds up

Can you not arrange for him to leave his school things at school for you to collect from the office thst way you get your stuff but don't engage with him? Go via the school explain your difficulties?

Honestly a friend of mine had to do this dad kept school uniform bags anything they took there so if they were going swimming she was expected to provide costumes etc he would not return them and if she refused he would call the social worker on one occasion he called the police and another he refused to return the children wouldn't even send them to school (which didn't go as he hoped) so Fridays the children would get changed into a set of weekend clothes and go to dad's bags were left at the school he STILL kept their coats so the following weekend she sent them without coats he called the social worker who flipped shit at HER she pointed out dad has at least five coats of theirs he can use them on his weekend it was petty and ridiculous but her response to party invites on his days were "you need to ask his dad" yes he used to slag her off to these parents but it showed a lot of people very fast that he wasn't the victim he portrayed

Or on Fridays send them in with a disposable lunch bag and disposable drink cup

It's very difficult. My ex used to collect from school Friday evening then send them.into school in dirty uniform Monday. PE kit, spellings and homework would sometimes be left at his flat too. I asked him several times then just asked his teacher if DC could be given PE kit for washing, spelling and h/w on Monday as his Dad was poor at organising. She just gave me a pitying look and agreed. Tbh it was worse when he sometimes just text me on Friday after lunch and said something had come up and he couldn't have them that weekend. They just looked so disappointed when I went to collect them. He pretended it was work, but I know it was actually he'd rather be with the new girlfriend. It was his loss. As they grew up they stopped wanting to go to stay with their Dad and now as adults he might only see them once a year or less. His DGC hardly know who he is. It's all his own fault.

unfortunately for your son, if it’s dad’s weekend then he won’t be able to go to parties those weekends unless dad responds to the invites and takes him there and back. It’s sad for your son.

i also think you should challenge the 3 weekends in 4, and knock him down to 2 in 4 plus a midweek overnight (which he won’t want if it interrupts his new relationship). It’s very unfair you get the grunt work and presumably all the childcare running around, arranging and paying, whilst he gets to Disney dad in the cheap at the weekend.

they're his only days off
so fucking what?! Other parents have to change their scheduled to accommodate children, and arrange childcare. Why cant this selfish wanker fo that?!

drop him to every other weekend.

Mine communicates a bit better but any criticism is met with abuse. Sometimes I just have to take the hit as some things need to be said but my little one is 6 and I've started to make sure she tries to remember. 'ask daddy to bring back coat and PE kit'. I only send with cheap plastic lunchboxes (the 8 for £2 ones) and buy a bottle of water for the days she goes to his. Takes away my stress.
You can't control what he does but can control your response.
What I don't understand is how he doesn't notice she has 5 jackets/hoodies at his house etc.

I also try to save any clothes that I wouldn't generally put her in at my house as older/getting small and send her in them, means I aren't bothered about getting them back. Again it's about managing my expectations. Never send her in her best clothes/shoes.

I'm glad someone else can feel my pain! What pushed me over the edge was how 'work' would crop up on Fridays so he couldn't have our son that day coincidently it only happened over school holidays when there was no school on Fridays now they're back to school as if by magic no work on Fridays. I have noticed my son who is 7 isn't actually that bothered about going to his dads and I do think as he gets older I'll have a similar situation to yours I'm holding out for when my son gets a little older and point blank refuses to go as he'll want to spend time with his friends or have sleepovers on weekend. His new partner has 2 adult children of her own and from what I've gathered from mutual friends their dad had them the majority of the time when they were younger.

I’m going to go against the grain here, it’s hugely unfair on a child to miss out on activities because it’s the other parents weekend.

I allowed mine to miss out on so much for those first few years post split in the hope that their dad would take them. In the end I had to become pretty hardline about it. Now if there’s a social event, birthday party or sports activity that they’d really like to attend. They’re going, there’s no question about it. Either I take them or he does (rarely). And If they subsequently miss out on part of their contact time with their dad then that’s just how it is. I generally don’t offer additional time in lieu, which of course he hates. In my view this is just part and parcel of parenting.

And be kinder to yourself and stop feeling embarrassed about missing school items. Presumably you’ve been the main school contact and you’ve taken time to build a good relationship with Dc teachers etc. They will know which parent is the lax one. They will know if homework isn’t done or PE kit is missing whose house your dc spent the night in. If questioned be very matter of fact about it and refer the school/teacher to dad. In our case I made it pretty clear to the school that they need to communicate directly with him and not via me.

I really think 3 weekends in one month isn't really fair on you or your son..
When do you get time with him?