Please advise on how to deal with an on and off father when it come to access........

[tandos]

I am divorced, my ex and I have been divorced for the past two years, but we have had an and off relationship trying to work things out. We have a 7 year old beautiful girl and I live with her. My ex is a womaniser and everytime we broke up it would be because he had cheated.

silly me would take him back on the hopes that he would change and he would beg me to give him another chance. All the time that we broke up, he would just disaapear from my daughter's life without any word. And when he feels like its time for him to come back he would use my daughter. Whenever he did his disappearing acts, for reasons only known to him, he blames me and claims that I refused him access to our daughter, which is all a lie.

Last time he found out that I had met someone when he trying to come back to me and then he just disappeared from our daughter's life and claims that i refused him access again, and then I am left to pick the pieces when my daughter asks for her dad. He basically doesn't care. I have beeen through the solicitors route but he has not stuck to our agreement. He refuses to pay child maintenance as we had agreed with our solicitors and I look after my daughter on my own.

Now he wants to come back into my daughter's life again and I do not want to let him in until he sorts himself out. At the same time my daughter longs for her father....... what should I do.

you have to set the terms. You tell him that he can see his daughter on this day and at this time and if he fails to turn up or he fails to keep to the arrangement then contact will stop and he will have to apply through the Court. Do it in writing and keep a copy. Tell him it is his last chance, explain that he cannot continue to drop in and out of his child's life given the upset that it is causing to her. You need to spell it out in writing how it makes her feel when he doesn't come to see her.
I can only imagine how hurtful this is for you and your daughter.

I guess the first questions to answer are you happy to facilitate the contact, and are you strong enough to keep him at arms length?

If he is serious ask him to go to a mediator or family advisor to try and find solutions and to show that he is thinking of his daughter in all this and to put your mind at rest that there is nothing more behind his intentions.

Your daughter has a right to a relationship with her father, so if he wants to see her and she wants to see him then you should try and find some solution.

Do you think he is back now because he wants to be with you so is using your daughter as a means to get to you? Or does he genuinely want to see his daughter? What would your reaction be if he did make a move on you?

You need some firm lines in place if you do not want to get back with him and to ensure this is about him having a relationship with your daughter rather than trying to see you.

Do you have any reason to be worried about him having contact with her? Taking her out to the park, or swimming, or back to his place? If not then I think the best wy would be to use a third part (grandparent/friend/neighbour) to be present at the house at handover and for you not to go to the door. Allow the third party to open the door, see your daughter out and again open the door and bring her in on return. No need for you to see or speak to your ex at all. And certainly no need for him to come into the house at all. If no third party around then he can always knock at the door and then walk back to his car and you can then open the door and watch your daughter as she walks over to where he is.

If you do have worries about him taking her out on his own then what solutions do you have in terms of a third party staying with them at the house while you go out, or his parents house with them present maybe? How has contact happened previously and what can you do to minimise the issues that caused problems before in terms of you and he getting back together as a result of it?

Also he really must start paying some child maintenance. Why have the CSA not been involved? Being a parent means accepting responsibility, both emotional and financial. Does he have a job? Even if he's on benefits he should be paying the minimum amount. This would be a firm step in showing that he accepts responsibility for his daughter.

Think of what is best for your daughter. You getting back with her dad doesn't sound like it would be best for her in the long term given that he runs away when he can't handle it and things get difficult between you.
Difficult choices ahead for you.
Keep strong
Gilly

Thank you both for your response, muc appreciated.

Gilly I have no intentions of getting back with my ex at all and I am very strong about that now. I think he is trying touse my daughter to see what I am upto, but then again I never know what he is upto. He is such a conniving bastard (angry) and he likes playing mind games.
I have no worries about my daughter's safety when he is with her, but lately i have been concerned about his mental state as he is a person who likes to play mind games......its just a feeling that I have within me...you know that motherely instinct that we sometimes have due to worry or something like that.
At the same time my daughter adores her father so much, and I don't not want to deny a relationship with her because of the fear that I have but at the same I want to protect her emotionally as i have her interests at heart.

I also feel that he is expecting me to refuse him access to our daughter and is looking forward to arguing with me and the whole rigmoral of going to the solicitors and all, and the delays and stress that is involves, obviously that gives him satisfication. So am thinking about that saying, "if you can't beat them, join them". That way I will not put a fight and see how long he is going to put up with it.

Am going to sleep on it, but thank you for your advise.