sometimes i think i dont deserve my kids

[TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl]

just a recap for anyone that doesnt know: dd is nearly one, her dad left when i was 3 months pg, wont see her, refuses to aknowledge her existence, his family dont want to know either and wont even speak to me. im on my own, i dont have a partner. ds is 7 and a wonderfully behaved, caring, loving child, has always been even as a baby. im just finding it so hard to cope with dd at the moment. she's always been demanding and cried non stop for the first three months of her life (ok so that was probably colic but it still drove me mad) now she is older she just seems to whinge all day and doesnt want to go to bed at night. ive had so many other things going on this year, lost a family member, lost my job etc..everything has gone wrong. ive tired of the constant crying, tantrums etc. everything i seem to do with her makes her angry or upset..she is near an impossible baby at times. tonight i shouted..no scrap that...i screamed at her after the fifth time of going upstairs to her and trying to settle her when she just wanted to play. i admit it..i bawled my head off and then i sat and cried with guilt. ive been really looking forward to xmas and all i want is to have a happy time with them both but everything i do she seems to hate just lately. i feel like i dont deserve them and i know i shouldnt shout at a baby. perhaps she is just normal and ds was an exceptionally good baby? i dont know. i dont want to be so frustrated with her all the time. i look at them both sleeping and wonder why i cant be that wonderful patient mother i should be. please dont lynch me...i love them both so much and would never ever do anything to hurt them but after a year it doesnt seem to be getting any easier. she screams and fights me when i change her nappy, change her clothes, put her in her car seat or buggy and when i get her out of the car seat or buggy too. she spits her food out at me, if its finger food she throws it on the floor and then screams because she wants it back, if i tell her no to anything she throws herself down on the floor and screams. i could list it all day. its an endless cycle of screaming and tantrums. what am i doing wrong?

i know im complaining again...new years resolution..."one will not complain on mumsnet....so much"!

hi there..sorry to hear things aren't going well at the mo for you.am not surprised you feel like this tbh if you are bringing them up on your own, it's hard enough with a new baby but by yourself..nothing wrong with shouting out your children, it's human nature to get angry at times. I do sense from this post that you have a lot of crossness bottled up inside you, to do with perhaps being on your own and feeling chetaed in some way?? Is there no one you can talk to, a close friend, your own family about this. Mumsnet is the place to be on for advice btw and am sure you'll get many kind words on here TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl...complain as much as you like

hope you alright.

XmasOwl - please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a fantastic mum to me. It's hard enough to deal with kids when there are 2 of you and you don't have any major crises in your life, but I think if I were in your situation I would have crumpled in a heap way before now! What you are feeling and doing is totally normal, believe me. I know it's not fair on your kids but we all do it, and as long as they feel secure and loved 99.9% of the time they won't remember your occasional outbursts! You do deserve your kids and you are the best mother either of them could possibly hope for. It's really difficult when the second child comes along and you realise just how different they can be from the first. Mine are the other way round - DS2 (8m) is shaping up to be one of those babies who is never a moment's trouble (OK he doesn't sleep particularly well which is why I'm here at 5.45am!! but the rest of the time he's no trouble.) but DS1, who's starting school in Jan (he's 4.9) is being a right little bstrd at the moment! My DH and I had a particularly 'challenging' day with him yesterday when he ended up having a complete tantrum after tea because his best friend (who had come to tea) wanted to play with a different toy than the one DS1 wanted him to play with! We ended up sending him to bed while his friend was still here!!! It was so bad my DH had to have a real slanging match with him and he (DS) was slamming doors, screaming, kicking, throwing toys around. His friend's mum came to pick him up about 7pm and she and I just sat there listening to it with a glass of wine! DH was so upset all evening, he was almost in tears because he felt he'd handled it so badly, but really there was nothing else he could have done.

Kids can be a right pain in the proverbial sometimes and give us more heartache than we could ever possibly imagine - you're not the only one to feel that. Apparently they're like that right up until 18 and beyond! (Great!!)

I know this probably isn't helping you but please don't feel you're doing anything wrong. My DS1 went through all sorts of stages. How old is she? AT 13 months DS1 started getting stroppy - the 'terrible 2's a bit early methinks - at 26 months we began three months of hell with screaming at night etc etc, then at three he settled down for a long time (I think when you can communicate with them and have a conversation it gets a lot easier) and his problems now probably stem from the arrival of his baby brother and the fact that he's starting school soon. He's chucking his weight around. I'm sure DS2 will give us similar phases, every child does.

Don't really have any advice other than don't take it personally, try and get someone to help you for a few hours so it isn't constant pressure on you, and telling you it will get better! You sound lke a total heroine to me. I have such respect for single parents, it's the hardest job in the world. have a lovely Christmas.

what a lovely post Wordsmith

Why thank you HLF - caught me at just the right time I suppose, feelig a bit raw from fighting with kids myself!!

It must be really hard being on your own. Don't feel you've been awful for screaming at your dd. If I counted up all the times I've screamed at my children, I'd be here all day. There's a 5 year gap between my two sons. I did at times strongly - I repeat, strongly - resent being dragged back to the nappy, sick, struggling-into-pushchair-and-car-seat stage when my youngest son was a baby, and he was a realatively easy one!

If it's any consolation, a friend of mine had a very difficult baby girl - she did a lot of crying, wouldn't sleep, threw tantrums - I remember my friend having to return from holidays early because her dd refused to settle. Anyway, her dd grew into a lovely little girl, well behaved, does well at school and is also a very talented ballerina.

I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. This is definitely the age when their 'personality' (to use a nice word!) starts to emerge strongly. I wonder, though, from what you say whether some of her behaviour is exacerbated by being overtired. I know that before we did serious sleep training that my ds was very intolerant of all sorts of things. Once he started sleeping properly, he did become a lot calmer, less whingey, less dependent etc... Does she sleep much? If not, and if it were me, I would be doing controlled crying, although I'm not necessarily suggesting it to you because it's not for everyone, and you have to have serious stamina with a toddler and being by yourself, you are particularly worn out and without support.

Anyway, just some food for thought. Unlike you, I have a wonderfully supportive husband and I've spent the last 2 days snapping at the kids constantly and feeling guilty after they've gone to bed for not being a more patient and loving mummy... So I think you're a model of motherhood in comparison to me!!

Sweetheart, it sounds like hell. You poor poor love. I'm yet another mother who HAS a partner but boy oh boy do I lose it and shout. Nobody can be perfect all the time, let's face it; but maybe we can help you find some ways to make it all easier? Bloss's suggestion of sleep training is worth considering.

Don't forget that after the hellish year you've had, everything is going to seem worse. Quite 'normal' (grrrr) baby behaviour is going to seem awful. You're a fabulous mum. Don't blame yourself, let's find some ways to get you through.
xxxxx

Hi Nightowl. I'm single mum too but only have the 1 child to contend with. She's 2 and a half.

I know what it's like when a child is cross all day, it's a nightmare. Do you have any frinds or family that can give you a bit of a break during the day or in the evening?

I'm probably not saying anything constructive I can just really imagine what it must be like and for your son as well, being so well behaved. bless him! big {{{{hugs}}}}

dd has just started getting out of her bed at night and calling me from the top of the stairs (has been v. good up until now). She's not screaming the place down but it now takes me about 45mins-1hr to get her asleep in bed. I've started a new tactic - everytime she gets up I wait until she calls me, walk upstairs, pick her up put her back in bed and walk off again (in silence). It seems to be working as shes getting better again!!

Where abouts are you?

Message withdrawn

thanks for the messages..i thought i was either going mad or whinging (yet again). just to prove me wrong, today has been a good day with her. i managed to get a couple hours sleep (luckily she sleeps for a couple of hours after her bottle around nine) im trying to get us into a good routine but its impossible at the moment. im glad to hear its normal. i think i should have had the stroppy baby first when i had a partner and the calm one second! looking after ds would have been easy on my own! its nice to vent on here later i guess when i get some time to myself...makes me feel a lot better. i think ive really spoilt her today and she's got fed up with the cuddles! i think im going to have to accept that being temperamental is just part of who she is and try and get on with it. i do go out every once in a while but it isnt often. maybe i might ask my mum to have her for say a couple of hours every two weeks or something..i dont think she would object to that. in fact...seen as the child loves to be awkward..maybe if i complain about her enough she will turn into a little angel just to make me look like a liar ? she has her developmental check tomorrow so i'll perhaps have a word with the hv too.

Hiya, good to hear yesterday was better!

Do you work nightowl?

If not could maybe your mum have dd for a couple of hours one day during the week and maybe a couple of hours every other weekend to give you chance to spend sometime alone with your son?

Hope you're feeling better today

FWIW we all shout, I defy anyone on here to say they have never shouted at their baby, they drive you mad at times, so don't feel too guilty. Hope you get some time to yourself soon

Hi, it is so understandable that you feel the way you do. I can really relate to the screaming every time they're put in car seats, buggies etc. My dd is the same. Changing her nappy sometimes is an absolute nightmare. You are obviously a wonderful mum and love your kids and are doing a fantastic job on your own. I find it really difficult sometimes and that's with the support of dh. Must be a million times harder on your own. You are a normal mum, we all lose patience sometimes. Really hope next year brings happier times for you. Have a good christmas and be kind to yourself

Coming from the perspective of a child: my mom takes great delight in telling people that she used to 'sing' to me: "If you don't stop crying I'm going to flush you down the toilet". I still love and adore her - no harm done. (I think the tone is lost on a message board, but trust me, it's very funny when she tells it.)

I guess I'm bungling up saying that your daughter will be fine.

Nightowl, have you thought of going to Surestart? We have one round here and if you're a lone parent, I think they'll automatically get you a space. They give you support and help, and may also get you into parenting classes at no cost. I've just done a parenting course myself and have found it very helpful in taking a backward step when my DD behaves like Attila the Hun - I still end up screaming at her, but less than I used to! I also made a couple of friends there who understand how difficult it is and come up with some constructive, supportive suggestions.

Nightowl, you sound like you are having an incredibly tough time and my heart goes out to you.
God, it's bloody hard work looking after kids at the best of times isn't it?
You desperately need some support and help.
I just want to second what has been said about Surestart. i am on the Board of Directors for our local Surestart scheme and in our monthly meetings we review eligible families. You sound like exactly the sort of person who would fit the criteria. The staff at our nursery are wondeful. They take the kid/s while mum (or dad) gets a rsst, are always available to listen and ogffer a cup of tea and have an outreach worker who gets in btouch.
Please get in touch with them or Home Start (see other threads about this) or even local Socila Services. Ask if you can talk to someone on the child team. Also, have you considered contacting Gingerbread, the organisation for single parents?

Help IS available but you MUST go and search it out.

Thinking of you. It's the most important and hardest job in the world and you are a hero!
XXXXXXX

thankyou, some lovely posts there. i dont work suzy, i was made redundant in may and as someone who has always worked im am finding it still incredibly strange. i love in one way having the time on my hands to be with dd but miss the adult company and feeling needed and useful! mum works too so cant have dd during the day, one night every couple of weeks should be fine.

moondog, what exactly do surestart do? what would i say if i phoned up? i know there is one literally five mins away from me but ive never really known what they are all about?