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Original poster

Son's first girlfriend....controlling?

26 replies

Silveryfox · 16/09/2023 17:06

Hi, can I have a few opinions/some perspective please?

My 14 year old son has just started his first relationship with a girl in his year at school. She's nearly 15 (my son was only 14 at the end of May). I've already had to stop them getting too hot and heavy, and because of this I have her number/she has mine. Whenever my son is busy and doesnt reply quickly enough, she messages me to ask if he's OK because she's worried about him as he hasn't replied in a few hours. Last night it was because we were having a movie night and I don't like phones being used while we're watching movies. The last time was when he was with his dad and they were visiting family. Its starting to get my back up a bit, because I worry that she's being controlling when he doesn't reply back quickly enough. I've said to her a few times there's no need to worry, he didn't reply because we were doing XX or XX. He's only 14. They're just going into their GCSE year and I've said to both of them that I want his priority to be school/school work and they've both said they understand, but as his mother I'm feeling uncomfortable about it all. I'm divorced so don't have anyone to discuss things with. I worry about being too harsh, but then also worry about not being harsh enough if that makes sense?

OP posts:
HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 17/09/2023 03:21

"I've said to both of them that I want his priority to be school/school work and they've both said they understand"

Do you remember being a teenager OP?

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/09/2023 03:24

Think you forgot what been a teenager was like.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 17/09/2023 03:30

I think you are being controlling.

ymemanresu · 17/09/2023 03:32

My opinion- young first love, emotions/ hormones running high. Nothing to worry about, she's just a young girl

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 17/09/2023 03:52

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 17/09/2023 03:30

I think you are being controlling.

Really?

WandaWonder · 17/09/2023 03:55

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 17/09/2023 03:52

Really?

Show quote history

I also think the op is coming across as controlling

Mangotango39 · 17/09/2023 04:59

I'm confused by 'had to stop them getting to hot and heavy' what does this mean?

and why does this mean you had each other's numbers??
did you message her not to have sex with your son????

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 05:03

Yeah it’s definitely you that comes across as controlling. Stop messaging her!

HappiDaze · 17/09/2023 05:08

You need to delete her number asap and not get involved

jolaylasofia · 17/09/2023 05:12

first of all, she shouldn't have your number. Having a boyfriends moms number and knowing them personally makes the relationship 100x more serious. They are just kids.
Don't try to control the situation. she isn't being controlling she's being a 14 year old teenage girl who is probably insecure in her first ever relationship.

JamNittyGritty · 17/09/2023 05:26

From what I can see from my dd, with friends, there is a whole expectation of instant replies otherwise people are airing you. So whilst I also find it ridiculous it seems pretty normal for teens these days. What I would put a stop to is her messaging you when she can’t get hold of him.

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 05:31

She's nearly 15 (my son was only 14 at the end of May)

This framing is so weird. So they’re both 14 and will be 15 on their next birthdays per how numbers work. You sound like you’re trying to cast her as a predator Confused

PerfectMatch · 17/09/2023 05:36

I agree with you OP that she shouldn't be messaging you when your son doesn't reply - that's a bit odd. But I also agree with other posters that you're coming across as a bit controlling too. Not allowing your son to look at his phone while watching a movie with you is quite strict for a 14yo. And expecting them to focus on their GCSEs in 2 years' time rather than their personal lives is unrealistic!

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 05:42

Have a curfew, make sure he understands consent and knows about contraception and leave them to figure their relationship out. I'd discourage her messaging you, if she asks how he is just say 'he's fine'

AngelAurora · 17/09/2023 05:49

You are way too involved, poor lad does not need you fighting his battles. Your the adult, she is a child, leave them alone for heavens sake.

Bernadinetta · 17/09/2023 06:16

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 05:31

She's nearly 15 (my son was only 14 at the end of May)

This framing is so weird. So they’re both 14 and will be 15 on their next birthdays per how numbers work. You sound like you’re trying to cast her as a predator Confused

Agree. They’re in the same school year. If she’s “nearly 15” her birthday could be October maybe, and his is May- around 7 months between them.

GodDammitCecil · 17/09/2023 06:22

Oh, here we go.

’You’re being controlling’. ‘Don’t you remember what it was like to be a teenager?’ ‘Butt out - it’s none of your business’.

OP - didn’t you get the memo?

You’re not supposed parent, let alone be concerned about sons! Let him go out and live life - a 14YO boy should be raised and standing on his own two feet. 🙄

I suggest you start a new about your ‘DD’ - you will get some constructive advice, if you do that.

Indiacalling · 17/09/2023 06:42

I agree that you should not be in direct contact with your son’s girlfriend when they are still both teenagers in a new relationship. The person to communicate with is your son - what does he think about the frequency of communication with her and the constant messaging? He is also the person you want to have a good study schedule. I would probably be looking to set the ground rules with him.
Regarding the expectation of instant replies generally, my son is a couple of years younger (so does not have a girlfriend). But if he is busy or needs to leave a call to do something else, he just tells his friends. Your son can just tell his girlfriend that he is busy and will not be able to reply until x time.
I would see it is helping your son learn to manage his time sensibly and put appropriate boundaries in place.

RedHelenB · 17/09/2023 06:45

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 17/09/2023 03:30

I think you are being controlling.

This. Ask her not to text you too, I don't have my dc's gf mobile no.s and they've been together almost 2 years from a similar age. And you're being ridiculous painting her as older, they're in the same school year with 5 months between them.

paisley256 · 17/09/2023 07:48

I actually think you're right to keep an eye on this, but teens have a way of nodding to everything you say and doing the opposite as I'm sure you know.

My son at the same age had a very intense relationship, which from the outside looked loving and kind.

However, she'd start messaging me and his brothers asking if he got home ok etc which we later found out was just a polite way of trying keep track of him.

After they split up he revealed she wanted to know where he was 24/7, didn't want him out with his mates and if he was she'd throw a strop. Loads of controlling behaviour. And then she got violent.

I wish I'd known so I could've supported him, as he was going through so much I didn't know about. He said he didn't tell me as he didn't want me trying to split them up.

Even when she moved away she was txting round trying to find out his comings and goings, it was really intense and worrying.

Be careful not to wade in too heavy though as it might have the opposite effect, especially if you start dictating what they can and can't do. My son was excellent at agreeing with me and doing the opposite. Hope things work out ok.

paisley256 · 17/09/2023 07:49

Also, she had my number as he'd txt me on her phone if his battery died, which was alot!

trampoline123 · 17/09/2023 07:54

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 05:31

She's nearly 15 (my son was only 14 at the end of May)

This framing is so weird. So they’re both 14 and will be 15 on their next birthdays per how numbers work. You sound like you’re trying to cast her as a predator Confused

I thought this too!

trampoline123 · 17/09/2023 07:59

I think she is being an an emotional, dramatic teenager, not controlling.

I don't see why you need to have each others phone numbers, but you felt that was the thing to do so fine.

Hopefully if she keeps it up it will give him the ick.

Also, don't get how you've stopped them getting too hot and heavy? Teenagers will find a way if they want to.

incognito50me · 17/09/2023 08:28

She might be controlling, or she might not be - this is the maddening thing about parenting teens, there is a lot you don't know and can't really find out, as your child does not share; not with you.

What you should do is keep communication lines open with your son, talk to him about expectations and priorities and tell him he can always come to you. Talk to him about the need to keep his friendships and hobbies going, too. Trust me, if/when the relationship goes pear shaped, he will need his friends (as they will be who he turns to for support and advice, not you).

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 08:54

incognito50me · 17/09/2023 08:28

She might be controlling, or she might not be - this is the maddening thing about parenting teens, there is a lot you don't know and can't really find out, as your child does not share; not with you.

What you should do is keep communication lines open with your son, talk to him about expectations and priorities and tell him he can always come to you. Talk to him about the need to keep his friendships and hobbies going, too. Trust me, if/when the relationship goes pear shaped, he will need his friends (as they will be who he turns to for support and advice, not you).

Let’s just hope they don’t try and contact him to provide said support or advice on movie night 🚫

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