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Original poster

anyone had experience of mediation?

15 replies

TLV · 03/03/2008 13:32

if so what was it like, were you the one who decided to leave the relationship? how did the other react etc

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brightwell · 03/03/2008 17:47

No, but wish we had. Ex left me & 2 (at the time) young dc. He wouldn't entertain mediation but with hindsight and a £15,000 solicitor's bill I imagine he wishes we had

Rosasmum · 03/03/2008 19:12

Going through it at the moment to resolve maintenance and contact issues. So far I've had my 'chat' with mediator and now waiting for ex to have his. Then we both 'chat' together. So far it has been a positive experience and I am using it to get any issues I have out in the open.

Original poster
TLV · 03/03/2008 19:25

what kind of issues tho, personal, the marriage breakdown? or just the clinical stuff ie money contact

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Rosasmum · 03/03/2008 22:26

He wants to spend more time with our daughter which I have no problem with, we disagree on how to achieve it.

I would like him to contribute more financially to our lo and he has so far refused to increase the amount until he sees our lo more.

Just basic stuff but we have so far been unable to resolve them between ourselves. He has also ignored my request to meet his new girlfriend who is due to give birth next month so I am using the session to get that arranged. But they do deal with marriage breakdown, property division, etc. It is a voluntary thing, so either party can leave at any time.

have a look here for more info:
www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Mediation

emma08x · 03/03/2008 22:33

hi ave never done it before, wot does it involve?

Fluffybubble · 03/03/2008 22:41

I have been going to mediation (on and off!) since marriage breakdown 3 years ago. I think you can address whatever concerns you have, that cannot be resolved by the two of you. It does not cross the line into counselling, and I have found that it is more of a "how do we move forward" approach rather than an opportunity to off-load about general crap-ness of ex!!

It is not an easy thing, but can be very constructive. Also, we have revisited it as new issues have arisen and it does provide a neutral setting for discussion. It is also a great deal cheaper than using a solicitor!

Good luck.

redpyjamas · 04/03/2008 00:48

I wouldn't attempt it with an abusive ex, personally. Just in case anyone reading this is in that situation.
A few months after I left mine, mediation was arranged. Tbh, I can't even remember what it was to discuss (prob the house and money issues).
I didn't really want to have to see him, but rather felt obliged to go through with it.
Anyway, he turned up so late that there were only about 10 minutes (if that) of the session left. He did call the mediator on his way though, and told her, "it's ok. It'll only take a few minutes for me to say what I have to say". She couldn't believe how arrogant he was, and not even trying to hide it. The whole thing was cancelled there and then (much to my relief and to his extreme annoyance - I could hear him ranting in the lobby, from a side room where he was unaware I was).
So, he never got to deliver his monologue.
He's recently asked for mediation again, this time in relation to access to the children, but I have not entertained the idea. People like that never change, however much they would like you to believe that they have.

glitterfairy · 04/03/2008 07:04

You dont have to go to mediation with an abusive x even for legal aid. I got legal aid without mediation because of my xs violence.

My x still tries to go down this route over contact even though we had two years of a court case. I will always refuse because the contact issues were worked out by the kids and it is their choice in the end which matters not ours.

Mediation is very useful though for some and one of my friends worked everything out with her x in a really considerate way and then told the kids through mediation.

lostdad · 04/03/2008 09:40

My ex alleged abuse to avoid mediation concerning our son because she on legal aid. She has happy for mediation when it came to discuss money however.

Remember...court is the alternative to mediation. In mediation [b]you[/b] compromise concerning your children's time.

If you go to court, a total stranger does it for you. If you go to court, the money you and your ex could be spending on your children goes in a solicitor's pocket.

...and finally - going to court leaves a bitter taste in the mouth that runs for years and years that can only cause more problems. Mediation can avoid that.

lostdad · 04/03/2008 09:41

...plus - there is such a thing as `shuttle mediation' where you don't even need to sit in the same room as your ex, if that is an issue for you.

Look. Go to mediation. Even ff it kills you, because court is far, far, far worse overall.

I'm serious here.

Original poster
TLV · 07/03/2008 19:45

we both discussed it last night, found out it is going to cost 117.50 per hour and neither of us can afford it, if we can't afford that then we certainly can't afford going to court!

will have to solve another way

OP posts:
lou33 · 07/03/2008 19:46

exh wants me to go to mediation

but he wants ME to travel to london to do it

because i only have 4 kids to organise and school runs to od and he doesnt

Original poster
TLV · 07/03/2008 19:49

I would say yes you pay tho and find someone who can organise or watch the kids.

so annoying isn't it

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lou33 · 07/03/2008 19:51

i'm only going if it is free, i have zero spare cash, and as far as i am concerened it's all cut and dried

he's a nob and i am not

Original poster
TLV · 07/03/2008 20:04

its normally 1st session for assessment which is free then you pay for the following if they think its needed.

so is my ex and i'm not

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