What do you tell your kids when their other parent flakes?

[Laurenjessicax]

Sons dad very flakey for example not having him this weekend for blatant bullshitty reasons this is common but I'm at my wits end making up excuses 'your dads got to work' etc when really he hasn't he just can't be bothered or better plans have come up. Makes me mad because it then means I have to arrange childcare last minute or tell work I can't come in all the while making him out to be some hard working hero. Also is there anything I can do to get him to stick to his nights (which he demanded)

Firstly, no, there's really nothing you can do to make him stick to his nights. Flakers gonna flake.

I believe in being honest with kids because making out their dad is some kind of hard-working hero when he's actually an emotionally void deadbeat is likely to come back to bite you and your child in the ass later on. Eventually your child will be able to see through the excuses and will wonder why you've been making your ex out to be someone he's not while letting your child suffer under a delusion.

I wouldn't be brutal but I wouldn't be protecting him either.

You might like to tell your ex that if he's going to cancel at the last minute to go away with his mates or some other bullshit reason, he might want to just tell you he won't be there, as you won't lie to protect him. I'd focus on making the alternative to spending time with his dad appealing.

"Your dad rang to say he can't make it this weekend, I'm sorry. How about we go to the playground tomorrow?"
"Your dad has had something come up this weekend, so we'll have the chance to go to that movie we've been talking about. I'm not sure what came up, sorry, he didn't tell me."
"Your dad has let me know he won't be here this weekend after all. I'm sorry that I need to work because it's pre-arranged, but you'll get to hang out with Aunty Jess."

Bumping. I have a similar issue and am really interested in how people deal with this. I often hear of the "God complex" kids get for rubbish dads and certainly don't want that for my child when her father is just selfish and unreliable

I used to say work when she was really little. Now she's older I just tell the truth which is either that I don't know (sometimes he won't answer me when I ask) or that he's hungover or out or whatever. I'm not lying for him, I'm as honest as I can be to DD for everything so I'm not damaging the trust she has in me for someone that clearly doesn't care.

As for making him stick to his days, if you find the magic solution let me know! I'm nearly a decade in and still can't reliably know where DD is spending the weekend until she's actually gone.

Plan your life as though he's not going to see dc. Let him ring you or dc of they're old enough to arrange things on ab as & when basis to fit in with yours and dcs commitments It will be a lot less annoying to you.

I had this
Would not let me know till last minute each weekend if he wanted her or not.
Usually around Friday
I was in tender hooks...
So we changed it to every other weekend- take it or leave it
He still swop around
Anyway, one weekend was a special occasion and it was my weekend.
I said you can only have her fir the Sunday.
When he argued I stood firm (was a bit scary) it was MY weekend.
He never messed around again.

I feel you! I get frustrated because it's not just the child it lets down it then impacts everyone because I have to ask family who are already helping as much as they can to have DS on my days with son when I'm at work and they feel like essentially they're acting as a baby sitter for my ex when really he should be sorting it for his days or booking days off work like I am. The whole summer I've used annual leave cut my hours or found childcare for when I have my child I'm also now doing it for his days. He's booked no time off work had so many days to himself where as I'm trying to juggle it all I'm either at work then dashing to collect son or with son.