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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex DH thinks this is fair coparenting...

22 replies

penguinkisses · 30/08/2023 19:15

To give some background: Ex DH and I split when our twins were a couple of months old. He chose to relocate 2 hours away to move in with his brother and his family.

It's not been easy as I returned to work early from maternity leave as he messed around with paying towards bills when I went onto SMP.

Now I'm back to work, FT hours and my SIL and Mum combined care for the twins while I work. DH says that this means I don't do a lot of parenting myself!

We now have an "arrangement", instigated by him which was the bare minimum where he sees the twins for a few hours on a Sunday one weekend and the following week he takes them on a Friday afternoon (meaning I have to juggle work to facilitate handover) and brings them home Sunday afternoon.

Through the week I barely hear from him to check how the twins are. I take care of everything from their clothes, food, medical apps and general care. When he takes them back to his family he gets a lot of help so basically gets all the "fun side" of parenting whilst not having to do all the things I am doing to keep the house running and because it's the weekend he's not juggling work either.

He says he thinks this is a fair arrangement and that my time I am at work I'm not parenting either!!

I know this is a complete pile of nonsense and typical of him gaslighting me... I just wonder when this will get easier to manage?! Twins are nearly 2 now and I feel like we are entering terrible 2 stage and it's feeling relentless.

OP posts:

Redcliffe1 · 30/08/2023 19:27

Have you considered meditation with him? Would an overnight be better for you? Does he pay cms?

Original poster

penguinkisses · 30/08/2023 19:36

@Redcliffe1 I offered him mediation as part of the divorce but he refused as he wouldn't pay towards the divorce and so left it all to me.

I'd love an overnight during the week but he won't do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

penguinkisses · 30/08/2023 19:37

No CMS as currently he contributes towards the household bills. When the house sells and I am in my own place he will pay CMS (significantly less than what he's paying now)

OP posts:

Ladyj84 · 30/08/2023 19:37

Sorry but that isn't a good dad. Surely he should be having twins every weekend or more in the week. If he chose to live further away it's his responsibility to step up and make efforts. I feel for you we also have twin 2 year old girls and a 3 yr old so I know exactly how full on it is for you

Original poster

penguinkisses · 30/08/2023 19:40

@Ladyj84 I've suggested / pleaded with him to see them more, if only because he's missing out on time with them but also because I need a break.

His reasons range from work (I work too!) and the cost of fuel to travel between here and where his family live.

Ironically he has a new girlfriend who lives 25 minutes up the road from here who I'm presuming he manages to see!

Thankyou for your message - you're a super hero looking after 3!

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 30/08/2023 19:40

Why juggle work to facilitate him he can collect from sil or your mom can't he? Ultimately you have to work if he bitches about you not parenting you can either ignore him or ask him if he will cover your bills then?

It's not ideal but you know he is a dick

Original poster

penguinkisses · 30/08/2023 19:48

@Theunamedcat He can, and he has.
Although my family prefer not to speak to him because of things he has done... but it's more because I like to see the twins off before they go for a couple of days. I've asked if he could collect them on a Friday morning before I go to work and he refuses this too.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 30/08/2023 20:05

He sounds like a peach

BananaSlug · 30/08/2023 23:25

It’s not great but it sounds standard for contact for nrp father.. my ex hasn’t seen the kids since may so could be worse 🫣

Crunchingleaf · 31/08/2023 10:40

OP nothing you can do will make him step up and be more involved. It’s also not in twins best interest to be spending too much time with someone who isn’t bothered with them. They will pick up on this even as young as they are. Right now he has the Disney dad routine going on and they go back home before it becomes too much for him. He moved away which shows his priority is to himself and not the twins.
There is no point in speaking about fairness with a selfish person, they only think of themselves.

Long term OP you will need quality weekend time with twins too. Otherwise you will have all the grunt work and none of the fun weekend trips and outings. Right now he is monopolising all the twins leisure time.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 10:42

Start looking for a babysitter op. Stop letting him dictate your life so much. Stop dropping them off.

Original poster

penguinkisses · 01/09/2023 10:04

Thanks all.

@Crunchingleaf this is my concern too, that soon enough their weekends are going to be filled with parties and activities and I'll want my time with them rather than them being with their Dad just because he won't give any other time.

Also at present he co owns the house so he will often have them in the house (that I live in) but once I've moved into my own place I've told him he needs to work out what he'll be doing as I don't want him in my new home.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 01/09/2023 10:06

I wouldn't be compromising your working hours to facilitate him seeing them

Yalta · 20/11/2023 11:45

I think you have given him good warning about the time he spends in the family home with them. I wouldn’t mention it again

I wouldn’t however be facilitating pick up.

Friday evening or morning works for you if he wants to collect them.
I would also look at full time nursery and present him with a more structured plan going forward as well as 50% of the fees

Atm he is being helped out by your family. It is time he starts to live in the real world

I am struggling to see how you organising who is looking after your children and being the emergency contact isn’t parenting whilst you are at work

Surely if he is at work and that is the reason he is using to not pick up his children then that is not parenting. He needs to organise pick ups by someone else not leave them

I would get them into nursery on at least the days he is supposed to pick up and if he can’t then he needs to deal with the nursery calling and billing him for the excess childcare.

He sounds like someone who expects other people to do the grunt work in life and he floats along doing what he pleases

He can’t even put a roof over his head. That is his brothers job
He can’t look after his children as that is yours and your mother and sisters job

He just wafts in and out of their life doing fun things that don’t involve any real life day to day stuff

Starlightstarbright2 · 20/11/2023 16:32

I would work with what you have . The distance for overnight contact in the week is too long .

it is exhausting especially with twins but you don’t want to lose your weekends .

This man doesn’t care about you - you been exhausted he doesn’t care about how exhausted you are .. He isn’t your solution .

Original poster

penguinkisses · 28/11/2023 11:27

Hi all
Sorry for the delayed replies, the recent replies to the thread have just come through on a notification!

So ex-DH has recently decided that once a week is too much for him as he has no room for a social life so has said he will be reducing the contact down to 1 weekend (friday night and Saturday night) per fortnight.

I won't lie, after a run of norovirus and being very run down myself and trying to keep everything going as well as working... I'm pulling my hair out at the minute.

Places for full time nursery around here are way oversubscribed so my only choice is to get them into part time starting in the new year. Not sure I could afford to pay for them both to go full time anyway and ex-DH won't pay more as he already feels he is doing me a favour by paying more than the standard child maintenance amount...

It all just feels so hard, isolating and exhausting right now. I feel I'm failing my children daily because I'm always running around to get things done, and I failed them by choosing such a pisspoor father.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/11/2023 17:31

It is hard the childcare costs of twins is really hard because funding doesn’t kick in for one then the other .

let go of the guilt - you are doing amazing - you are one person doing 2 parents jobs along with working .

piperpheobepruepaige · 28/11/2023 17:35

Oh its so hard, but you got this - you have support from family

Your dc will know that he couldnt be bothered, they will treat him as they have been treated

GoldDuster · 28/11/2023 17:38

Don't blame yourself, you're in a tough spot and your best is all you can do. Save your energy and don't look to him for anything more than he's doing, no more pleading, it's a waste of your time. Set yourself up so you're as supported as possible from other sources, my bet is that his effort will slowly dwindle over time, but he is the one who will lose out, take the long view.

The kids will know the score, they will see the situation for what it is eventually and all of your effort will pay off in your relationship with them and vice versa.
No matter what he says, it's not fair, and it never will be, because he is happy saying one thing and doing another. I would be banging the door down to see my children, the fact that he isn't tells you what you need to know.
Sending you strength, it's a tough ride.

vernatheraven · 28/11/2023 18:24

And he has the absolute cheek to say you don't do enough parenting.

My ex was like this.

Didn't want to know about our dd when she was with me. Hated that my dd asked to call me. To say goodnight when she was with him.

Some men just do not get it at all

Ferriswheels · 28/11/2023 21:06

When the present house sells will he be buying his own place too? Would he consider purchasing close to you and the twins (and new girlfriend)?
It would be much easier to juggle times then and maybe he could have them for an evening midweek instead of the Friday he's now bailing on? As well as doing some of the driving to school, activities, parties etc as they grow older.

He has to be interested and willing though...

Matilda1981 · 28/11/2023 21:11

I think the every other weekend thing is standard to be honest! I split up with my husband when mine were 3 and 18 months old so had 12 days with them and then 2 days without them - I was working 3 jobs too! Just enjoy your every other weekend and you really don’t have to see them off on a Friday!!!!

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