Child’s father suddenly interested

[Disillusionedmumma]

DS is 10 in a few days and his father over the last few months has popped out the woodwork interested in him. He hasn’t seen him since he was just over 1 and has never sent a birthday card etc.

I never had a proper relationship with the child’s father and he lives near Carlisle while I live in Birmingham. We met abroad travelling together for only a few weeks.

I don’t understand why all of a sudden he is interested. I’ve tried talking to DS but it just makes him upset and he says he doesn’t want to see him. I am worried about him going into Y6 with this over him.

I don’t know what to say to DS dad and don’t really want him getting involved. How would it even work when we’re so far away and DS doesn’t want to? What could his Dad do/what rights does he have? He pays maintenance and always has.

Personally I’d be helping your son foster a relationship with him, would you and your DS meet his dad together, so it takes the pressure off DS in the situation ?

If DS isn't interested then tell his dad he's not interested. He doesn't owe his dad a relationship.
maybe his dad could write to him and you could give it to DS if he asks about him at any point.

Given the distance involved, regular visits would be hard. But I think I would also be open to meeting up together if your son is up for it. Is that genuinely how he feels or is he influenced by your perception of the situation? It's probably come as a shock to him so I would be open to it but be led by your son and go at his own pace, if at all.

I would be very wary indeed of allowing him to get involved at this stage. He owes you thousands of pounds and thousands of hours of labour for raising his child unaided, and he owes his son ten years of love, attention, support and guidance. He is seriously in arrears.

I might have some lengthy adult to adult conversations with him about why this has happened and what he is prepared to do to prove he is now worthy: you deserve a LOT of money. He needs to have a completely emotionally mature grasp of how to parent effectively and build broken bonds. I bet that conversation alone would send him scuttling for the hills.

Keep your child out of it until you can trust him and if you can, arrange a meeting with you present, at a place and time of your son's choosing. Let him control the degree of contact if he wants any.

I’ve told ex that DS doesn’t want to see him or speak to him. He emailed a few times but that upset DS and to be Frank what have they got to talk about?

I don’t want to spend time with ex talking or ‘meeting up’.

I guess he may just go away. Does he have any chance through legal route? He’s not on birth certificate and DS has my name

Don't pressure your son and respect his decision. Tell him his biological father has expressed an interest in meeting him or contacting him. If he wants to meet him you will help him do so in a way that makes him most comfortable (e.g. being present, his pace, where/when he wants). If he doesn't want to meet him respect that too and tell the biological father (because he really hasn't earned the right to be called dad) that son is not interested in meeting but you will leave contact details with son should he change his mind.

You really need to not pressure it, you could push it, DC start forming a relationship then he disappear again and hurt him immensely. If he's 10 now, he'd be 11/12 before court and his views would be listened to by the courts if he went down that route.

Personally I'd be wary and cautious after all this time. I'd be vetting his interest and trying to work out the motive before he approached Ds.

My friend has similar when she was a child it depends on her father's relationships at the time, he got in touch when it made him look good. He flip flopped in and out of her life and ultimately she has always tried to build a relationship and he has always let her down. The damage has been long in the making.

If it seems he's had a genuine epiphany and is willing to take it slow and wait in the wings for as long as it takes, maybe encourage your son to consider it, but if it's a fad, he expects instant interest and is offended or impatient in any way, then it's on his terms and that's not ok.

You don't just turn your back on a child and then expect open arms unless you're spectacularly selfish and emotionally illiterate. Someone like that should be kept at arms length.

He does have legal rights but so does your son and the courts are unlikely to force him to see his dad. It's more likely that his dad has a new girlfriend who is pushing him to do the right thing and as soon as they split up he'll lose interest again.

Yes he could apply to court but given the 9 year (!) absence and your son's wishes they aren't likely to force much in the way of contact.

I would tell ex . You aren’t prepared to push your Ds into something he doesn’t want ..

I would get Ds to block ex on email - assuming it’s his … Tell your Ds if he ever changes his mind you will contact dad and tell him. . Then inform dad that is what you have told Dad..

legally the law the child has a right to a relationship with both parents but the longer court is delayed the more he will be listened too.

Does he pay cms?

He could get a paternity test then request access.

I would keep contact to emails or letters. Let ds read them if he wants. Let him show he can be consistent.

Does he have a new relationship? Trying to impress his new partner?

Getting added to a birth certificate isn't difficult. If he wanted to do that then it's some forms and a processing fee.
He could take you to court but the process of being added to the birth certificate etc would take time and by then ds opinion would be considered very important.
I would tell him no and see if he bothers being added to the birth certificate and taking you to court because that would be a minuscule step that shows how serious he might be.

Ask him if he's going to give you CM with 10 years of back pay. Might make him fuck off

OP says he pays maintenance and always has.

OP - why's he not had a relationship with his son up until now?

My ex ran off when our child had just turned 1. My friend had the same happen so we had a theory that they disappeared once they were no longer little 'bundles of joy' and became hard work, then in friend's case, reappeared once aged 11 when alllll the hard work had been done and her child could communicate with him directly! Fully expecting the same when my child reaches the age of 10-13ish. I personally believe it to be nothing more than abject laziness

This is a distinct possibility also

I’d want to know why after all this time, to find out what this man is like, and whether he has his child’s best interests at heart. He may want to meet him for genuine reasons - he’s had an epiphany, reasoned that he could be a good father after all, has health problems and wants to do the right thing, etc. Equally it could be for reasons that aren’t in you are your child’s best interests - he needs a kidney, is hoping to fleece you for the child support, wants a DNA test, etc. How I’d react would depend on his response. All other things being equal, I’d make an effort to help your DS develop a relationship with his father, because life is tough and the more people we have to love and support us the better.