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Original poster

Ex now rents a room from a friend, would you be happy with the kids staying there?

11 replies

NeedSleepNow · 25/08/2023 09:52

Ex and I have been separated for a few years now. When he first moved out he stayed with a friend and the kids didn't stay with him as there wasn't space and I don't really think it is appropriate when he doesn't have his own space.

He then moved into a 1 bed flat and the kids started staying with him every other weekend. Still far from ideal as the youngest slept in the double bed with him, one on a blow up bed on floor and one on sofa.

He's now moved back in with his friend and rents a room. He and the three kids would all be sleeping in the one room together (they haven't stayed over yet). Whenever they have been there they all come back having played computer games and watched films that are not appropriate for their age (they are 6, 10, 14). His friend does not have kids and spend most of his time watching violent films and playing 18 rated games in the living room, so I don't feel it is appropriate for the kids to stay there.

We just have an informal arrangement that the kids are with their Dad EOW, there is no court order in place. What would you do in my situation, would you let them stay over or try to sort other arrangements.

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 25/08/2023 10:40

Does his friend own the house or is he renting? If the friend and your ex are not a couple then it's a house of multiple occupancy and the landlord insurance is most likely to say no children can stay. If friend owns it then that won't apply.

Personally I wouldn't let mine stay but I'd let them spend time there if ex gaurentee they won't be seeing inappropriate content films etc.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 25/08/2023 10:49

PurpleBugz · 25/08/2023 10:40

Does his friend own the house or is he renting? If the friend and your ex are not a couple then it's a house of multiple occupancy and the landlord insurance is most likely to say no children can stay. If friend owns it then that won't apply.

Personally I wouldn't let mine stay but I'd let them spend time there if ex gaurentee they won't be seeing inappropriate content films etc.

His friend owns the house, when they last lived together the friend was renting and sublet a room to him.

I know his friend, I have known him for 20 years. He's ok, a nice guy but he doesn't have kids and I think probably wouldn't make choices that are in the best interests of my kids when they are there (and he shouldn't have to, it's his house if he wants to watch something unsuitable on TV instead of bluey/lego friends etc then that's understandable).

I am happy for the kids to go there but not really happy with them staying there. Ex is very difficult and can be verbally/emotionally abusive so I am dreading his reaction.

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 25/08/2023 12:51

My kids don’t stay over my exes house as he has a 3 bed flat but has chosen to rent all rooms out meaning the kids can’t stay.

TickingKey46 · 25/08/2023 20:35

The situations not ideal but also not necessarily harmful. I think you have to trust your ex that he will make the correct choices for the children.

Lindy2 · 25/08/2023 20:51

What does the friend think of 3 children staying in his house? It's a big leap from 2 adults to add 3 children into a home, especially as he is not experienced in being around children and there's quite an age range.

I can't see it working well over the longer term.

TicTacNicNak · 25/08/2023 20:57

Would your 14 yo be happy staying in one room with their dad and two siblings?

If they were my kids I wouldn't want them staying with this set up, and very unhappy with the younger ones seeing age inappropriate films and games.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 25/08/2023 21:31

TicTacNicNak · 25/08/2023 20:57

Would your 14 yo be happy staying in one room with their dad and two siblings?

If they were my kids I wouldn't want them staying with this set up, and very unhappy with the younger ones seeing age inappropriate films and games.

14 year old doesn't want to sleep in the same room. He had a pretty rocky relationship with his dad anyway (there is history of emotional abuse) and I would imagine eventually he'll refuse to go.

I have spoken to ex so many times about the younger two seeing things that aren't appropriate tv/computer game wise but he doesn't care. Says he'll be more conscious of it then the kids tell me otherwise when they get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 25/08/2023 21:32

Lindy2 · 25/08/2023 20:51

What does the friend think of 3 children staying in his house? It's a big leap from 2 adults to add 3 children into a home, especially as he is not experienced in being around children and there's quite an age range.

I can't see it working well over the longer term.

Edited

I don't know to be honest. If I lived on my own I wouldn't suddenly want another adult +3 kids moving in.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 25/08/2023 21:34

TickingKey46 · 25/08/2023 20:35

The situations not ideal but also not necessarily harmful. I think you have to trust your ex that he will make the correct choices for the children.

I suppose the problem is I don't really trust him. When it was his own place the kids were staying, I only had him to try to trust but now I also have to trust his friend to put my children first

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 26/08/2023 08:58

I get what your saying but he is the other parent. Unless they're is a massive back story then all you can do is discuss your conserns with him. It's not up to the other adult (his friend) to parent or only watch appropriate things ect. It's for the father to ensure the children's safety.

I'm presuming he has parental responsibility? If so then you are equally responsible for your children's welfare. With due respect you need to be careful that you don't come across as controling. I know you only want the best for your children but you both have equal responsibility. You carn't dictate to him as he carn't dictate to you. It's his responsibility to provide appropriate accommodation for his kids when he has them, let him figure it out.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 26/08/2023 21:13

TickingKey46 · 26/08/2023 08:58

I get what your saying but he is the other parent. Unless they're is a massive back story then all you can do is discuss your conserns with him. It's not up to the other adult (his friend) to parent or only watch appropriate things ect. It's for the father to ensure the children's safety.

I'm presuming he has parental responsibility? If so then you are equally responsible for your children's welfare. With due respect you need to be careful that you don't come across as controling. I know you only want the best for your children but you both have equal responsibility. You carn't dictate to him as he carn't dictate to you. It's his responsibility to provide appropriate accommodation for his kids when he has them, let him figure it out.

You are right, I know it's his responsibility on his time to parent them appropriately. I have tried to talk to him about my concerns but he is impossible to have an adult conversation with (he is generally a very angry person and will shout and swear aggressively if I don't agree with him on something).

I think this is the thing I find hardest about being a single parent. He doesn't always put the kids first and they often don't want to stay with him (even when he had his own place), so I worry about their time with him and living arrangements.

OP posts:
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