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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Am I a single parent?

18 replies

usernumber1 · 21/08/2023 19:06

I feel I am, and trying to co-parent.

Ex heard me use the term and kicked off as it implies he isn’t around. He feels we are co-parents.

We split last year and he moved out Feb. He doesn’t work and is homeless. I have the kids majority of the time, pay for everything - nursery fees, the lot.

He sees them regularly (school pick ups, activities etc) and has them overnight every now and them if he is in a hotel or staying with family - past few months he has been sofa surfing. Usually last minute which makes planning my night a nightmare. he isn’t able to have them on a regular pattern. There is no real equity in parenting - I am making the decisions and token asking his opinion, but really I am responsible for everything!

I rarely get a break unless my mum has them (started dating but that’s another thread!) I am exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally.

What am I?!

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 21/08/2023 19:09

Do you have a live in partner ? You sound like a single parent to me and he has a cheek kicking off when he doesn't even contribute financially or often consistent, regular parenting.

Findyourneutralspace · 21/08/2023 19:09

Id say you are yes. Can he see a way out of his current situation to provide a more stable home for the DCs to visit?

Original poster
usernumber1 · 21/08/2023 19:36

No, I don’t have a live in partner. I have recently started dating and met someone who is so lovely - very early days though!

It’s been a challenge!

I can’t even steak with him anymore about what he is going to do. He isn’t well to work and is just a bit stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber1 · 21/08/2023 19:37

Speak* not steak 😂😂

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/08/2023 19:42

Yes you are a single parent. That might change in the future if your ex gets his act together and gets a job and accommodation can have DC overnight and contribute financially. Even on benefits he should contribute something.

ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken · 21/08/2023 19:48

You are a single parent. Can't he get a job of any description? Could/would you help him in any way?

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 19:53

Of course you're a single parent. You're not a lone parent - maybe that's what he's getting confused with. He's a useless parent by the sounds of it.

Meatus · 21/08/2023 20:05

What did you do when he kicked off?

Od have given him a few home truths. Surely having him dip in and out of caring for the children like that is actually more work for you?

Until he can provide properly for his children (be that financially, overnight care etc), he had a cheek calling himself a co-parent. He sounds like a glorified uncle.

Original poster
usernumber1 · 21/08/2023 20:16

@Meatus he was really upset! I have been incredibly considerate and accommodating throughout. I just reiterated the reasons why I feel I am and until the balance changes that is how I see myself. I have also told him that I am not responsible for his reactions!

@ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken I did broach this with him, but he either isn’t well enough to work due to his mental health and in that case he needs to apply for some benefits (he is on jobseekers I believe)… but he is looking for a role with the right level of seniority/salary that he held previously. Took a package due to his mental health last summer.

I have helped loads - he was having his dinner here regularly, seeing the kids here, has slwpt on the sofa a few times and I have offered him to stay for a few weekends when he has nowhere else to go and I am away - so he sees the kids, washes his clothes. I have even paid for an air bnb for a few days too, plus loaned him money. I am still covering all payment to a joint card we had and paying all costs associated with the kids.

Not just this, but given how emotionally fragile he has been I told him I was dating as it takes him time to adjust. I regret this! But there we are. Really tricky to have my boundaries when he is in such a fucked position and seemingly no way out. I do keep reinforcing them though.

I have done way more than anyone ever should to support him. Yes it was my calm to end it and there was a time I felt guilty, but equally he has had time to sort himself out. From September there won’t be anymore bending over backwards from me.

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 20:30

Well if you're single and a parent then yeah. I would assume lone parent meant what he is thinking it is?

MintJulia · 21/08/2023 20:48

Yes, you are a single parent. I'd say you are a lone parent too.

You're paying for your children alone. You're making all the decisions alone. You're required to be there every night. You're doing all the care, management, planning alone.

When there is an emergency, who does the school ring?

If your ex wasn't around it wouldn't make a jot of practical difference because you already do everything. In fact life would probably be easier and less expensive.

Ellie1015 · 21/08/2023 22:18

You are single and you are a parent, so def a single parent. Even with a live in partner at some stage you could still describe yourself as a single parent depending on how involved partner is.

I would explain you meant no offence and appreciate he is not an absent parent as he sees them.

No point in saying this part to him but especially as he is no practical help you are absolutely a single parent. Tbh i think co parent is a stretch given no financial support or regularly taking the children.

BananaSlug · 22/08/2023 01:42

I don't agree op is a lone parent a lone parent is someone who has zero involvement from their ex. He has them overnight sometimes and does school runs so no she isn't a lone parent at all, otherwise what is someone whose ex has no involvement at all? She's a single parent, not lone.

Original poster
usernumber1 · 22/08/2023 06:55

Thanks everyone. It’s good to have the reassurance!

Can be a very trying situation at times.

OP posts:
Ilikepinacoladass · 28/08/2023 08:11

Is he finding it hard to come to terms with the fact you're not together any more maybe? Maybe the use of the term single was a bit of a reality check. Surely you're both single parents, although he sounds useless. I guess there's an overlap with the term co-parent, but I'd usually say that's when you're sharing things a bit more equally.

Original poster
usernumber1 · 01/09/2023 07:39

@Ilikepinacoladass possibly?

OP posts:
TossacointoHenryCavill · 01/09/2023 07:45

His opinion on how you view yourself is irrelevant. Don’t bother getting drawn into a discussion about it with him again.
Does he feel like you’ve thrown him out of the family home and he now has nowhere to go? He really needs to take a temporary job while he gets himself sorted out to look for something better.

Starlightstarbright2 · 01/09/2023 10:03

Yes you are a single parent rather than a lone parent although it sounds like you do more support than he takes .

you can still be a single parent but co parenting - this term isn’t about 50/50 care but two parents working together for the benefit of the children - doesn’t sound the case here

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