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Original poster

Child meeting ex's new partner

12 replies

Shergill15 · 16/08/2023 12:36

So me and STBXH separated last autumn and are in the process of divorcing. We have one DD who is 8. STBXH lives abroad and has very sporadic contact with DD. However, he has a new partner now, says he has been seeing her since beginning of this year. He wants DD (and me) to meet her apparently and is talking about bringing her with him when he next comes to the UK to see DD. I have no particular interest in neeting her and personally think its maybe a bit early as they've not even been together a year (assuming he's telling the truth about when the relationship started that is!) and also that when he makes a rare visit here that his priority should be spending one on one time with DD, not making her an extension to a break with his girlfriend.

I'm interested to hear anyone's views on the above (including if I'm being unreasonable) and anyone's experiences of DC meeting new partners, the good the bad and the ugly!

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 16/08/2023 12:53

You are not unreasonable. His priorities when he visits should be his daughter. He is not even a year with his girlfriend that he wants to introduce them. My ex done that he introduced his girlfriend less than a year of meeting her. The relationship broke up a month later. Now he has a new girlfriend he waited 18 months before introducing her but prioritise her instead of the kids, he is supposed to be on holiday with the kids this week but left the eldest (16) behind alone in his house and did not even informed me. Dad of the year award!!! He had another week earlier with them but eldest came back 3 days earlier as again he was supposed to be only him and the kids but the girlfriend turned up with her kids in the middle of it so he did not want to stay.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 16/08/2023 18:10

Completely agree OP. I'd say that either he comes alone or goes off somewhere with his girlfriend and sees DD on another trip. Introducing a new partner before at least 12-18 months is, in my personal opinion, irresponsible. There's noooo possible way of knowing someone well enough to be confidently certain that you'll last, before that timeframe has passed. At least.

janeholden · 16/08/2023 18:26

Is he visiting other family while in the UK or is it a visit specifically to see your DD?

AlfietheSchnauzer · 16/08/2023 18:33

For personal reasons, I've decided to remain single (I'm widowed) until my DD is an adult but if I was dating, I'd ideally be waiting 2/3 years. As long as possible, because I'd want to:

  1. Be as certain as humanly possible that it's going to last.
& 2. Be as certain as humanly possible that I knew as much about him as I could and that he was safe, trustworthy, would love & care for my DD as much as a non-bio related man could and wasn't going to walk away at the first bump in the road. Also that he was genuinely ok with always being my second priority - not all partners can cope with that; As demonstrated regularly on MN!
  • Finding out & being certain of all of the above takes far longer than some people realise.

With regards to the good, the bad & the ugly experiences, well I only have a former friend (of 20yrs') experiences to share.
I was always around when she was a single parent to her now adult daughter. The father walked out when she was born and FF (former friend) chose to put herself back out there quite quickly. She dated 3 different men before meeting her now DH when her DD was 4. All of them were introduced and each of them lasted long enough for her DD to ask where they'd gone after they split.
I didn't judge her as I knew no better at the time.
Although I'm no longer friends with FF, I do stay in touch with her DD (who now has a low opinion of her DM & her choices when she was very young). However, conversely, her DM's now DH (who as I said, has been around since FF's DD was 4) has been a very good father figure and is (deservingly) called Dad. He is in every sense of the word, her father.

The real 'father' got in touch when she was age 13 - when all the hard work had been done! - and is useless!
She however, has turned into a lovely young woman despite her parents' mistakes. It could so easily have gone the other way.

Original poster
Shergill15 · 16/08/2023 18:34

Thanks everyone for commenting.

@janeholden his brother still lives in the UK but the visit would be primarily to see DD

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/08/2023 18:36

You’re not being unreasonable, but unfortunately if he decides to do it there’s not anything you can do about it.

On the up side at least he’s brought it up so you can make your opinion known (if he listens is another story) and if he does go ahead you’ll be aware of it so prepared for any questions.

On at least 5 occasions I only discovered my girls had met one of exes new gf’s when they caught me off guard with a random question.

Original poster
Shergill15 · 16/08/2023 18:39

@AlfietheSchnauzer sorry for your loss. I think you raise some really good points. I also have no real intention of dating until DD is much older.

That's another concern of mine, it feels a very new relationship still and he was in it very soon after our split. I don't want DD introduced to a revolving door of women, but it's hard to get that across without sounding jealous/sour grapes

OP posts:
VinEtFromage · 16/08/2023 18:44

@Shergill15

He lives overseas, he has sporadic contact with DD. It's not going to make the slightest bit of difference if DD meets his new girlfriend. It's really not.

Ghostjail · 16/08/2023 18:54

Unfortunately you don't get a say in whether or not he introduces your child to his new gf...or any subsequent gfs. You can't control this. You know your daughter has a right to a relationship with her dad and you also know he's being pretty self-absorbed to not realise that his focus should be entirely on her until she's a bit older - but his relationship with his your daughter is HIS relationship to make successful or to fuck up. Your only job here is to support your girl and give her space and safety to talk about her feelings, whatever they might be. She might hate the woman, she might love the woman.

Original poster
Shergill15 · 16/08/2023 18:59

@VinEtFromage you're probably right. I tend to overthink things!

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 16/08/2023 19:01

Sadly not your business.. But adding a dc to a fairly new relationship is dicey! Leave them to it I say.. At 8 I imagine your dd will form her own opinions on her.. And her df if she feels pushed out! It really is all his to manage op.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2023 19:06

Sounds to me like he is trying to sell himself to his girlfriend as a Good and Involved Father. This should be an interesting visit!

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