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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Awkward situation with absent father's parents...

18 replies

Phoebe25 · 14/12/2004 17:14

Im really unsure what to do....

I'm proud mum to a gorgeous 6wk old daughter. She was the result of a very silly one night stand unfortunately. The father does see her on a weekly basis (which im not really happy with, but know i have to go along with it for the sake of my daughter)
Although he's agreed to provide maintenence, i havent had a penny yet as we're in the process of having a DNA test done. His idea not mine, im in no doubt as to the paternity. God knows how long this could take.
However, he now wants his parents to visit.
Im really in a dilemma about this.
I could understand this if we were in a relationship etc etc.
He is a different culture to myself & his family have strict rules about this sort of thing, so im actually surprised they want to be involved.
The fact that he minimal access & we are just about on speaking terms makes things a little awkward. I want to paddy, be childish & say no but i dont think thats the best course of action!
My parents dote on her & i believe that's all she needs.
What if they just want to gawp & see if she looks like him? Worse still, what if they want to see her on a regular basis?
I so torn because it takes me all my time to be civil to him that one hour a week!
Help....what do i do?

OP posts:

Caligulights · 14/12/2004 17:17

I think while he is insisting on a DNA test being done, he has no right to see your daughter, let alone have anyone else see her. Having your cake and eating it springs to mind.

Having said that, I'd let them, and then ask them if they could persuade him to pay some maintenance please?

Noella · 14/12/2004 17:40

I'd be inclined to say you would prefer to wait until after the results of the DNA test.

Caligulights · 14/12/2004 18:10

btw, it does indicate that he is forcing you to do a DNA test out of bloody-mindedness rather than because he genuinely believes that he is not the father of your child. I can't imagine any man wanting his parents to meet a child who may not be his.

TheHollyAndTheTwiglett · 14/12/2004 18:16

as soon as he starts paying the mainenance then I think his parents have a right to visit ... and you have a right to be there whilst they do so

if it is a different culture it can only do your DD good to be exposed to both parts of her heritage .. why cut her off from it if they want to be part of her life?

Congratulations BTW

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 14/12/2004 18:18

Totally with you Noella

aloha · 14/12/2004 18:28

I think that if they are nice people then it can only be good for your daughter to have two sets of adoring grandparents. Being a single mother is hard, I think (I'm not one but have friends who are) and I think a bit of respite or emergency childcare available can be fantastic. You don't have to do this, but I think it would show remarkable generosity of spirit if you did. And congratulations on your daughter. If you don't mind my saying so, I think it is amazing and great that you are being so kind and providing your daughter with a really wonderful family set up both with your family and by allowing her father to be part of her life.

FestiveFrex · 14/12/2004 19:07

That's fabulous, but have you asked him why he wants his parents to meet your daughter if he has any doubts that he is the father? Seems rather odd, if he does doubt and, if he doesnt' doubt, why is he insisting on the DNA?

My gut feeling is that you should agree. After all, they may turn out to be the most wonderful grandparents and you will have shown yourself to be generous of spirit when the DNA test prove you right.

Caligulights · 14/12/2004 19:20

You may also be surprised... they may be your best supporters in terms of keeping your DD's father reasonable. In-laws can sometimes surprise you. I know my MIL feels absolutely dreadful about her DS's failure to support or contact his children, it makes her really unhappy, and I know that she roots for me (and her grandchildren) in any discussion with him.

Can't guarantee it though!

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 14/12/2004 19:24

Totally agree with everyone but personally I think I would prefer to wait until DNA test is done.

bubsylocket · 14/12/2004 19:25

My advice is as Noella says - let him wait to see your dd until after the tests !!! If he has a doubt then let him wait. Certainly don't let the il see your dd until results are in !! I think he and they have a cheek to even consider it at the moment making you go through all tests and the waiting around for the results !!!

Original poster

Phoebe25 · 15/12/2004 13:00

Thankyou for some lovely, supportive comments!

I wish i'd started as i meant to go on. I mean, not allowing him access before the test was done etc.
I was furious at first because he asked either me or my parents to cough up half the £450 for the DNA test. What a joke - im no floozy who had a list of 10 potential fathers!!
Anyway, he's paying for it now, even though he says he knows she's his?
I cant understand him wanting to spend all that money & like you say, ask his parents to see her if he's at all unsure?! Mad.

Thanks Aloha for your kind message. I doubt i'd rely on them for childcare but who knows!
I wont even leave the room when he's there. I just store up all my ironing & do it then!!

Also....Am i being daft by not wanting him to change her nappy / bath her?
He keeps asking to & i keep making excuses. Because he's a relative stranger to me, i dont feel comfortable letting him see her naked. Maybe im being paranoid...

Thanks again

OP posts:

Caligulights · 15/12/2004 13:18

I don't think you're being paranoid, she's your baby, you went through having her alone, he's shown himself pretty hostile to you, and sometimes it's hard to hand your baby over to people you trust, let alone those you don't.

We're hotwired to want to protect our babies, if we weren't, the human race would have died out by now, and your protective instinct is just coming to the fore about something which is so intimate and exposes your child's vulnerability so much, in the presence of someone who hasn't shown himself to be part of the protective cocoon you want to put around your baby. Your hormones are just screaming at you to get this non-protective presence away from her. Hope that makes some kind of sense. I don't know how you can get over that though. Perhaps when he begins to act like a father, your hormones might start treating him like one.

Shimmy21 · 15/12/2004 13:34

I can really understand your dilemma. My friend went through almost the same thing 4 years ago. She eventually decided to let the paternal grandparents visit and it has turned into a really good thing. Her dd's father is basically useless, loves his dd but never coughs up any money. His parents have encouraged him to be supportive and have given a large amount in presents, money and babysitting etc themselves.

I think your worries about letting dd's dad change her etc are completely normal natural maternal protectiveness(I felt just the same and I'm married to my ds's dad and love him!) I really think you should grit your teeth and let him do it (you can be hovering nearby). Doing all those things for a baby is the best way for a dad to bond and presumably for your dd's sake you would like her to have a bond with him even if you don't want one! (And to put it even more brutally if he bonds with her he is more likely to want to pay her child support for the next 18 years and play a part in her life. It might be more comfortable for you if he disappeared but in the long run if she gets an OK dad who loves her out of it she'll benefit.
Good luck -it must be hard enough dealing with eating and sleeping etc, let alone having to cope with all these dilemmas too.

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl · 16/12/2004 03:16

im the opposite to you i guess. my dd's father wasnt a one night stand but did leave me very early on in my pg. i never received any support from him or his parents (who are quite decent people surprisingly). ive known him for years and years before this happened but he absolutely refuses to see his daughter and his parents slammed the phone down on me when i rang to ask if they wanted to meet my dd. (this ive never understood as i didnt even have one argument with him in the time we were together, let alone them) for the last year it has constantly been on my mind and practically drove me insane...its all ive wanted, for my dd to know her family. so i would have to say from my point of view that if his family wanted to be a part of dd's life, even after theyve hurt me like this, i would let them. obviously its your choice, just wanted to offer a different point of view. do find it strange though that he wants a dna test when he seems sure enough that she's his! is that something his family could have pressured him into maybe? anyway, hope whatever you decide works out well.

aloha · 16/12/2004 11:34

Re the DNA test, this might be just something he thinks he has to do to completely clear any niggling doubt and let him feel secure in loving his daughter. I won't lie and say I've never had a one-nighter in my life, so I am absolutely NOT taking any kind of moral stance on this AT ALL - there but for the grace etc etc, but you do barely know each other and he doesn't yet know what kind of person you are and I expect that fact that he was about to be a parent freaked him just as it probably freaked you a bit at the beginning (I was pretty shocked and I'm now married and really wanted a baby!). It's a scary thing to feel the beginnings of love and commitment if there is the faintest doubt in your mind. Mind you - asking you to pay half the cost is a bloody cheek IMO! So glad you told him where to get off on that one. I agree that it is natural and normal to be ultra-cautious when your baby is in the company of a comparative stranger to you, even if he is the biological father of your child. I would probably be exactly the same. I think you are right to be slow and cautious in the way you handle this. For example, when I referrred to emergency childcare, I was really thinking of maybe picking up your dd from school when she's five - not having her now!!
I think you sound lovely and amazingly generous. Your dd is lucky to have you.

5goldendillydallys · 16/12/2004 11:46

My exs in-laws wanted to be hugely involved when she was a baby but by the time her 1st birthday came around, DD didnt receive so much as a birthday card from them.
It would be lovely of you to let them meet little Phoebe junior, but I would have lower expectations than others about the level of support you may receive if you choose to do this.

aloha · 16/12/2004 11:49

That's a very good point, and another reason to take any contact slowly and cautiously.

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl · 17/12/2004 02:28

just reading this did remind me a tad of what my ds's grandparents did. i hadnt thought of this before. i was still with his father and his parents only ever accepted me when i became pregnant. for four years they looked after ds whilst i went to work but they in fact tried to take over. they were obsessed actually. they made my life hell for years and when i finally took him away from their care in the daytime (with good reason, they seemed to think he was theirs) i said that they could visit him, pick him up or his father (by then my ex) could take him there...but i would not take him and they were not welcome in my home. now for two people who claimed they loved that child more than anything and would fight me for him in court (which made me laugh so much) they barely see him at all. they have my phone number but never ring even though i made it clear i would be civil for his sake. he is lucky if he gets a card from them now. so although i still stick by what i said earlier with regard to my dd...i backtrack slightly and agree that perhaps contact should be taken slowly..if that makes any sense? and yes it is a bit of a cheek asking you to pay for a test that he wants! (i didnt notice that bit before)!

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