Do other people get angry or annoyed when you tell them how hard being a LP is?

[liondreams]

Just wondered if this is a common experience. Family and friends seem to zone out or get angry when I say how difficult it is being a LP.

I don't go on about it all the time or anything I just sometimes let off steam to friends and family (in a non-angry way) just explaining how tough it is. But it seems to trigger anger in the other person like they can't cope with me mentioning it.

E.g. my mum etc. I realise other people have problems and I am not trying to compare my issues with others. Just looking to let off steam or verbalise things because otherwise it can get too much. But sadly most people seem to glaze over rather than empathise or offer support.

I am just wondering if other LPs experience it as well as me, maybe it triggers something in other non LPs that they feel uncomfortable about or something.

Yes! But I get it from other single parents. I can’t mention it to my mum as she had 6 and was a lone parent so you would think she would get it but nope she “had it worse than me so you have no right to complain” my sister also gets annoyed if I ever dare to say it’s hard yet she shares her child 50/50 with her ex and constantly goes on about how much she needs a break!

@BananaSlug Weird that other single parents take it badly. Maybe because in other ways they have more support!? I wonder if your sister subconsciously feels guilty that she has more help than you making her defensive. I also wonder if in general people take it as we are saying somehow our lives are more difficult than theirs when really all we want is a bit of empathy and to offload.

I'm haha yes! My sister cannot bare me talking about any of my LP struggles.
She thinks she knows how difficult it is because her husband works long hours... like it's a competition.
I honestly think nobody can relate unless their in this situation. I never knew how difficult it could be on so many different levels u til I wa sun this position!
Totally get it OP!
I think seasoned LP are probably very bitter from the experience, at least I imagine I might be 🙈

Possibly but I think it’s more to do with the fact she feels superior as she “chose” better as her ex is around and mine isn’t 🤦‍♀️

Yes, this is my experience too. It's very isolating. I think married people assume I'm dismissing their struggles - unhappy relationships, DHs working long hours etc. I wonder sometimes if they fantasise about ditching the husband and think it might be easier, and I come along and ruin the fantasy.

I get judged for talking about the hard bits of single parenting, and I get judged for enjoying the (small amount of) time when my ex has the kids.

I suspect it’s partly because the narrative in our society is “children are lovely, cute, a blessing, something to make you complete etc” and the fact that single parenting is more difficult goes against that narrative to a certain extent.

And partly because there is a lot of cognitive dissonance at work - people blame single mums for raising kids alone far more than they do the fathers who left / see their kids minimally/Disney dad etc. Yet if the single mum were to do the same thing the kids end up without a home which would be awful.

@midnightblue12 yes I agree many single parents are embittered at least at times, myself included! but I try to pick myself up and learn and try to be happier so it's not necessarily always a bad thing. And in all honesty now my DD is a bit older it is much easier than when she was small so I feel huge relief and gratitude and am hopeful that I won't always be bitter, LOL.

And I think you're right some people see it as a competition like you're trying to outdo them and get shirty back like you're not "allowed" to express it.

I also wonder that it's somehow related to our culture here in the UK. People don't like expressions of emotion and we are quite a repressed nation in some ways.

And definitely you're right there could be some judgement there about "you made the choice now deal with it". Shame really as that's such a small minded attitude and so blame ridden and completely lacking in compassion.

@TreesWelliesKnees you're right I think, maybe in some ways they fantasise about it but the reality is very different, but they can't possibly understand that. I'm not suggesting every relationship is easy but lone parenting is a different beast entirely.

@Namechangedforthis2244 yes there's definitely a lot of the not being "allowed" to raise the difficult side of parenting much in our culture because people somehow feel like you're disrespecting your child and the joy they bring you by doing so. In fact I've was once given a lot of abuse about daring to say it was difficult without simulatenously saying how lovely the child side of things was. it's a given that my child is amazing, doesn't make single parenting easier though.

and yes I hadn't really thought about the cognitive dissonance. Maybe underlying much of the reactions is latent misogyny against women and prejudice against single mothers. I certainly think that may be true with my mum and other family members. So weird when we are usually the ones who put in all the leg work when the ex is completely useless! We are the ones who step in yet get judged more than anything. Thank you for raising this point, it is really important!!

I haven't had people getting angry or annoyed as such. However I do have one friend who whenever I mention something I'm struggling with as a lone parent just dismisses it by saying "well its the same for all parents."

I think @TreesWelliesKnees might be on to something and she thinks I'm not recognising that she might struggle with aspects of parenting too. But the fact remains it is different when you have a partner and 2 sets of grandparents to help which she does, while I have neither.

I agree that people probably cant understand what it's really like if they haven't done it themselves.

Yes in the beginning my parents used to say it's just like when mum was at home with you in the daytime, when my dad was at his 9-5 job...

In the end managed to shut it down by saying unless dad did NOTHING to help with childcare in evening or weekends, did nothing around the house or garden, contributed nothing financially, then it's absolutely nothing like it.

Don't whinge about it. It's not easy and nobody will be interested. They possibly interpret it as a disguised criticism, or feel guilty for not offering you help. It's difficult as a single parent, nobody to talk things over with and so on but really OP, you won't do yourself any favours by moaning about it. You'll lose friends.

But this goes against all the mental health advice, talking to people about things you're struggling with, showing vulnerability, reaching out for help..

The OP already said she wasn't going on and on about it

Yes you need to talk but you need to choose your audience otherwise I refer you back to my post. There is no point in trying to find succour from those who have none to give, it just makes everyone tetchy and resentful. Find someone prepared to listen willingly.

@newnamethanks I'm not sure if you're a single parent, but when you have a very limited range of contacts (your pool is usually radically reduced when you're a single parent, because of the isolation that goes hand in hand with the limiting nature of being a LP e.g. social life is near impossible), sometimes you need to let off steam and talk it out a bit. And as I said upthread I'm not going on and on about it nor do I make it a "repeat" habit if someone gets upset about it. I'm not perfect and can't keep it all in at all times, I think this is the reason people get depressed - maintaining a facade of "I'm ok" when they are clearly not.

One of the people I included was my own mother here. I'm just trying to make sense of other people's reactions.

Yes, single parent of 2 now adult children and I fully understand how isolating it can be. It's exhausting, frustrating and generally thankless for many years. This is why I say don't unload on the friends you have unless they invite it, you need to keep what support you have. My parents were both dead before my children were born, I was widowed, pregnant, with a 3 year old and had no family support at all. I was 23 years old. I'm not being unkind, I know just how it feels and sometimes you need the kindness of strangers as there's nobody else. Don't alienate people through your resentment.

@newnamethanks Appreciate what you’re saying but to reiterate again I’m not repeatedly going on at them or moaning contstantly.

I also kind of feel like friends aren’t real friends if they cant show some empathy and support when things are tough. And if I can’t sometimes discuss my problems with them once in a while then whats the point of even being friends.

I hope things improve for you soon.

I think the zoning out/anger is born out of guilt that they aren't helping or resentment that you might need help.
If you articulate the problem it might make it their problem and they don't want to step up. Perfectly their right but that works both ways when they are in need of care.