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Lone parents

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Original poster

Overnight contact for 2 year old

16 replies

clareandbean · 28/02/2008 15:01

My daughter's father has been in and out of her life sporadically over the last few years. He has had no tangible involvement in her life, ie we weren't together during my pregnancy or since and he is not on her birth certificate. He chose not to see her for 7 months of last year and then made me go to mediation. He sees her for a maximum of 3 hours a few times a month and we have no formal contact agreement. He is now threatening to take me to court for overnight contact. Any advice? Anyone had any experience of contact orders and overnight stays?

OP posts:

bonkerz · 28/02/2008 15:14

I was in the same posisiton when DS was 2. We went to mediation and exp was told that due to the lack of regular contact he would have to prove his commitment to DS before any over night stays occurred. If you dont mind overnight then maybe try getting something formal written up by a solicitor that way if he doesnt stick to it you can stop it. If oyu are worried about overnight then i think you should stick to your guns and let him persue court. He will probably be forced to attend mediation again where you could argue he can have overnight once he starts having regular consistant visitation with your DD and that he builds a bond with her over a period of say 6 months.
Hope that helps.

VinegarTits · 28/02/2008 15:15

Do you have an issue with him having over night contact? can you not come to an agreement out of court? I can understand you might be resentful towards the fact that he hasnt shown much interest, but if he is now wanting more time with his child surely thats a good thing for them both to start building up a good relationship? plus it will give you a break.

Unless there is a good reason not to (i.e he has been violent towards you or your dd) there is a good chance a court will grant him overnight contact.

Original poster

clareandbean · 28/02/2008 15:22

I have told him that the answer is not 'No' but that he will have to build up the time he spends with her now. He has never even spent a full day with her, max is 3 hours. She has always been with me, he has never lived in the same house with her and the only other person she has stayed overnight with is my mother. He stopped seeing her until early November last year and has seen her less than 10 times since then.

OP posts:

lostdad · 28/02/2008 15:22

Why not use the mediation to come to a deal where you both agree a timetable of increased time culminating in overnight stays?

You, your daughter and your ex would then feel secure about the future if you did this.

Original poster

clareandbean · 28/02/2008 15:27

Lostdad I would be happy to do that and we've already been to mediation twice but he goes from not seeing her, to seeing her for a few hours to wanting overnights in the space of a couple of months. In the time from early november to now he has spent 15 hours with her. This is his choice, he has refused to come and see her more often because his life is more important (I have this from him in an email.)

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 28/02/2008 15:34

Regardless of whether or not he has ever lived in the same house as your dd, he still has rights as her father.

I have a ds (19 mths) his father and i were not together during my pg or after, he first met our son when he was 3 months old, until then he ignored us. At first i was resentful that he wanted to be in his life, what right did he have when he had not bothered so far and told me he didnt want me to keep the child? But i realised i was going to be eaten up by bitterness and i was only thinking about what was best for me. I realised he needed to bond with his son so allowed overnight contact from when he was very small, now i postively encourage them spending as much time as possible together because i see how happy it makes my ds to see his daddy. I dont know your situation and understand your concerns, but he still has a right to be in your dd's life.

lostdad · 28/02/2008 15:42

The problem I have is I keep assuming everyone is as unreasonable as my ex...the only reason I took her to court was because she refused to talk to me, refused all mediation and told me where and when my son could spend time (one hour per week in a cafe) supervised by her parents.

lostdad · 28/02/2008 15:42

VinegarTits · 28/02/2008 15:43

You say you want him to build up the time he spends with her now, isn't that what he is doing by wanting her to stay overnight? How does your dd feel about seeing him?

Original poster

clareandbean · 28/02/2008 15:44

Hi VinegarTits. I have actively encouraged him to spend time with his daughter, made it very very easy over the past 2 years but how can she feel safe and confident for the night with someone she hardly knows? I fully agree that he has a right to be in her life, I'm not denying that at all. She spends more time with her auntie than her father but I know she wouldn't feel confident looking after her for the night. If he had been involved and wanted to spend more time with her when she was younger and had built up a bond as your exp did then it would be a different matter. This is about my daughter's happiness and security not about my resentment or anger.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 28/02/2008 15:48

fair enough, but it does sound to me like he wants to try and spend more time with her now so maybe he deserves the chance to. It can only be a good thing that he wants more time with her cant it? or am i missing the point

Original poster

clareandbean · 28/02/2008 15:48

Hi VinegarTits. To put this into context she has never even been to his house! Day time contact is very different from nighttime, my daughter is happy and confident during the day but we all feel more anxious and vulnerable at night, it's only human. I want him to at least have her for full days before night time visits can be considered.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 28/02/2008 16:27

Does he have a suitable place that she would be able to stay? Is it set up for a young child - stairgates, cupboard locks, chemicals out of reach... Does he have age appropriate toys, feeding utensils etc? If he has a safe envirnoment for her then that is the first step.

Assuming he does then I would suggest you start by saying you want to see some reliability and consistancy in his contact before you agree to overnights. Saying he wants it is one thing, meaning it and doing it is another.

Perhaps suggest increased building up to overnight. So up it to 4 hours, for the next three months. If he manages to do that then up contact to 6 hours for another 3 months. Perhaps include a midweek time too for a couple of hours.

When that is going well, then you can move to overnights. He could perhaps pick her up on the friday have her overnight and then bring her back saturday evening. That way you get some weekend time as well.

If you are worried that he doesn't know how to deal with the practicalities of beinga parent then suggest he attend a parenting course. All these things will help your case for small steps leading to overnights should it go to court.

If he is serious then he should be willing to compromise and moving from three hours to overnights in 6 months time is a perfectly reasonable timetable.

Good luck and I hope the mediation manages to help you find a solution together. Court should only be a last resort.
Gilly

skeletonbones · 28/02/2008 18:29

I think gillybeans advice is really good.
I can see why you would be reluctant to give immediate overnight to someone who has been unreliable thus far, gradual build up of contact will be a win win for everyone, your daughter can get to know her Dad and you will feel happy that he is able to care for her, on the other hand, if he repeatedly breaks contact then you have shown that you have done your best to involve him and facilitate overnight contact and he is he one who is proving himself not to be capeable.

Tinkerbel6 · 28/02/2008 19:25

definately echo gillybeans advice

yes VT you are missing the point, contact has to be built up gradually rather than a full force handover of an overnight stay, just because he is the childs father doesn't make him capable of looking after her.

Original poster

clareandbean · 29/02/2008 08:57

Thanks for all the great advice. I think I'll take Gillybeans tips to mediation with me and work on that basis. I do hope that eventually he does have her overnight, if only for the fact that I'll get to sleep past 6am for once!!

OP posts:

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