Hey everyone,
I am not good at these sorts of things but I feel that I need to reach out.
I am a 44 year old divorced male. My eldest son, Adam, is now 18 - he is high functioning autistic and he is my absolute world. I had a very violent and abusive upbringing and when he was born, he almost died due to complications during the birth process. For the first time in my life, I felt a level of protection towards another human being that I had never felt before - I finally felt a purpose, I finally felt that I could be the protector that I never had. My old man had one job and he couldnt even be bothered to do that correctly. Adam was not a planned birth and it scared the daylights out of me, petrified that I would abuse him the way that my old man had abused me. I thought of running away, of protecting him as surely that was better than not being in his life and hurting him. I was scared and I was 26.
After a week or so in an incubator, Adam came home and I still remember holding him in my arms, tears streaming down my face as I held him, promising him with the words I have never forgotten - "I will be the dad to you that I never had".
As Adam started to grow, it was clear he had struggles with social understandings, and his mum simply couldnt take the time to understand who he was and from very early on, it was clear that it was going to be Adam and I against the world. As he grew, I have been his sole source of security, of safety and we developed a closeness that I have never felt with another human being before. I fought his fights, I protected him from whatever needed to be protected from regardless of who they were. When he was about 2 years old, his mother, who was in the UK on a work visa as we had met when I was studying overseas, got a letter from the home office saying that we either get married or she leaves the country and Adam goes back 6000 miles with her as he was born outside of wedlock. I made a decision then to marry her because I couldnt cope with him not knowing who his dad was and why I didnt love him etc. After 14 years, I divorced her as she was very abusive.
Adam still struggles socially, but he is learning to push himself. He has just finished 6th form and is due to get his results in 10 days time however he is so academically brilliant, neither of us have any concerns. He is going to university soon and the truth is - I am struggling massively with this
Who do I now become? What is my role? I have sacrificed so much of my wants in my life (opportunites to live overseas but turned down for Adam etc) in order to provide him with the stability that he so badly needs to function, he struggles with any instability. I have him for a bit longer, I know this, but he will move a few hours up north from me and I am already walking around the house thinking - whats the point of a family home without a family? Whats the point in finishing a new bathroom now, or the new kitchen upgrade - whats the point in any of this stuff when my son, who is the only person I have ever truly sacrificed myself for, is going to be gone.
I am struggling with this so badly - what do I become? WHere do I go? Is there any point in finishing these projects off? Do I move but even then, whats the point? I know I have to let him go, and this is the right course of action. I also feel proud of myself for acheiving my promise and being the dad I never had. I know that teaching him to be independant is my job, and that is my role, to be his guide and prepare him for the real world, but I just feel disgarded even though I know thats unfair. I just feel thrown away and I am struggling with this. I have protected him so visciously over the past 18 years - how do I just let that go? Even Adam admits that there is noone that knows him as well as I do.
I am reaching out as I just need to hear from other parents, how do you deal with this? How do you find your purpose?
Im feeling scared and everything feels unstable and unsettled - I am staying strong for him as he needs to see that still but truthfully - I am struggling.