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Original poster

Tween, phone and contact with other parent

23 replies

user727494727 · 01/08/2023 18:48

I need some advice as to what I can do/where I stand with this issue. I have a tween, there was controlling, EA issues in the relationship with her father which has escalated upon separation.
He will not communicate with me eg about what time he will be collecting/returning his child, if he cancels contact (around 25% of the time currently) he will not tell me, relying on her to tell me. The point of saying this is, I am sadly relying on our child to be a go between despite repeatedly asking not to.
He confiscates her phone when he has her but then makes it incredibly difficult for me to get it back meaning my child cannot go out unsupervised to the park etc. it is a contract phone I pay for. Is there anything I can do? Asking him not to do this won't work he thrives off making my life (and his child's) more difficult. I have told my child she is to insist she has it with her at all times outside of the house, it can be off, but as he won't tell me when he is returning her, or should something happen, I want my child to be able to contact me given that he won't. I cannot afford to go back through solicitors. Does anybody have any advice? Thanks

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 18:50

And setting up an arrangement for drop off/pick up won't work we had that but his contact is now sporadic, if there is a better offer contact gets cancelled. It has reduced by by 3/14 days since it was agreed and child does not want more time either

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XelaM · 01/08/2023 19:06

Can you just refuse contact? He sounds unhinged. Or get a second secret burner phone that he won't know about for emergencies and tell your kid to keep it hidden. Not sure what else you can do with such an ex (I totally sympathise as my ex-husband is also an arsehole).

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:11

I would never refuse contact as it's not fair on my child, and I don't want to do a second phone because of cost (no maintenance, CSA involved). I make a big deal of no secrets/lies with my child as her dad often lies so I'm trying to counter that. It's a really shitty situation for my child. Where do I stand legally does anybody know? Technically it is my phone in my name that is being withheld. I have managed to get it back now but this situation has happened before and will likely happen again

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BoohooWoohoo · 01/08/2023 19:13

Send dd to contact with no phone. Since he's confiscating it, there is little point having it there. She must also be upset with not having access to her phone at your house.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/08/2023 19:15

Does she know your phone number without checking her phone ? Dc knowing my number means that they've been able to have others text me on their behalf and could contact me in an emergency.

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:15

But then I have no idea when he is going to bring her home. She has been very frustrated since the weekend not having it as it has restricted what she can do.
For context I do not restrict when she can call/text him in my house although he never calls and rarely texts unless she initiates

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:16

BoohooWoohoo · 01/08/2023 19:15

Does she know your phone number without checking her phone ? Dc knowing my number means that they've been able to have others text me on their behalf and could contact me in an emergency.

Yes she does and we have had conversations about what happens if she is not with me without her phone and in need of help

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:17

Basically it is being used as a form of control over me/her

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BoohooWoohoo · 01/08/2023 19:17

Have you considered putting an AirTag in her bag if you want to know her location ? If you live close I understand that this will be pointless.
Does she have a house key for emergencies ?

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:19

BoohooWoohoo · 01/08/2023 19:17

Have you considered putting an AirTag in her bag if you want to know her location ? If you live close I understand that this will be pointless.
Does she have a house key for emergencies ?

But then I could be accused of tracking her/him which I would not want. She doesn't take a bag as she doesn't sleep there.
I don't think there is a suitable resolution sadly, I have told her to insist it stays with her, it can be turned off if he really wants but then she will have to stand up to him which isn't fair

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:20

No house key - scared of it being copied to be honest

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kelspin · 01/08/2023 19:24

Buy a £10 phone with a PAYT sim so that she can take that phone to his. Doesn't have to be hidden or secret from him and leave her other phone at home with you. At least she can contact you and if he takes that phone it won't be the end of the world.

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 19:32

Ok I have looked into it, Giff gaff credit doesn't expire so that could be an option - I don't want to have a further expense of £10pm for the 3 or 4 days she sees him each month.

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 20:04

Thank you for everybody's advice - old phone with p&g sim card purely for at her dads it is. Worst case I can block the phone, and she will still have her proper phone (she is getting a new one anyway)/contract safe at home.

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gogomoto · 01/08/2023 20:14

How about a key sage at your house so your dd can let herself in, don't send phone

doiapply · 01/08/2023 20:31

Not sure of cost but what about an Apple Watch or equivalent? Would that help?

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 20:34

gogomoto · 01/08/2023 20:14

How about a key sage at your house so your dd can let herself in, don't send phone

Maybe in the future, but she doesn't need to let herself in yet from his house as she comes home in the evening. Thank you for the suggestion

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Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 20:35

doiapply · 01/08/2023 20:31

Not sure of cost but what about an Apple Watch or equivalent? Would that help?

I can't afford one sadly right now as I am not getting maintenance (CSA investigating) but I have thought about it, but I am concerned that would be confiscated too

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Malificent1 · 01/08/2023 20:38

Get the cheapest, used, beat up old Nokia or whatever off eBay. £10 credit. And that is the phone that goes to Dad’s house. Her proper phone stays at home with you.

rockingbird · 01/08/2023 20:52

What's his reasoning for confiscating the phone from his daughter (apart from maliciously getting to you)? It's really not fair on her being the go between - I'd be seeking advice as this sort of controlling behaviour isn't really ideal.!

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 21:52

rockingbird · 01/08/2023 20:52

What's his reasoning for confiscating the phone from his daughter (apart from maliciously getting to you)? It's really not fair on her being the go between - I'd be seeking advice as this sort of controlling behaviour isn't really ideal.!

I don't know. She would get upset and want to come home but she doesn't sleep over now so this has eased.
Using her as a go between is absolutely unacceptable but unfortunately he will not stop. I have asked previously as had my solicitor but it will not stop. So I am at the point now where I try to let it wash over me.
If he cancels contact, oh well I can do something fun with her, I make sure that I go to events to support her so that when he doesn't turn up she has somebody there, if he upsets her we have a chat about what we can and can't control (our own actions/behaviour but not that of others). She is almost a teen so will be able to make up her own mind soon enough. Until then I will try and keep her safe emotionally and mentally, and show her that she is a great person and loved everyday.

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rockingbird · 01/08/2023 22:56

Bless you @user727494727 sounds like you are doing an amazing job under the circumstances! Sure enough when she is able to make that decision I'm sure things will change! He sounds incredibly controlling, I've experienced similar so get it. I have no idea why we get put through this, I do however think it makes us more resilient not to mention wise ☺️

Original poster
user727494727 · 01/08/2023 23:21

rockingbird · 01/08/2023 22:56

Bless you @user727494727 sounds like you are doing an amazing job under the circumstances! Sure enough when she is able to make that decision I'm sure things will change! He sounds incredibly controlling, I've experienced similar so get it. I have no idea why we get put through this, I do however think it makes us more resilient not to mention wise ☺️

Thank you I appreciate your kind words. It's not easy, but with the support of family, friends and therapy i am far stronger than I was at the start and I'm taking each day as it goes.
Life isn't easy and I feel like I am fire fighting a lot but I am raising a girl who knows her own mind, and will hopefully understand that her self worth and confidence comes from herself not those around her.
Life can be far harder than it needs to be at times, but we survive! As I tell my daughter there is not much I can't fix or find a solution too even if it's not ideal! This is just another problem thrust upon us, but with the help and advice of others, I have a solution 😊

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