*Sensitive - domestic abuse* pregnant and he has been charged - contact?

[Rainbowbaby18]

We tried for 2 years to have a baby, 2 rounds of ivf, 1 failed and the other I lost triplets at 7 weeks.

I couldn't take all the physical and mental abuse anymore towards myself and my 12 year old son that wasn't his. He kept saying he was going to get help and was trying so hard not to do it. Last weekend I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to go home because I couldn't face him starting on me. I went the police and everything just came out that he has been doing to me. Its evidenced in WhatsApp and witnesses have seen my bruises on my face and arms before.

He has been charged with domestic abuse and coercive/controlling behaviour.

I found out the day after I went to the police that I was pregnant naturally. Now everything is such a mess.

He has been removed from the house and not allowed to contact me.

He already has an 8 year old son who he only saw 4 times and she stopped him seeing him. He gave up trying apparently because she made it so difficult. I don't know the full story. No one does.

I feel that he should be at scans as I never felt like a child shouldn't know their parents and I dont want to take that away from him even after everything he has done to me. Now that he has been instructed for no contact until court, I don't know what will happen from now on.

He told me he will be taking the newborn overnight and that I won't be breastfeeding as that would prevent him from having the baby himself. He has moved back in with his Mum and Dad in their flat. They are very vindictive and manipulative too. I don't mind letting him see the child under my supervision but I just don't know how it works where there has been domestic abuse involved.

The plea hearing is this Friday. I'm 5 weeks.

OP. Honestly you should never of told him about the pregnancy until you had processed it and were in a stronger place mentally. It’s too late to undo it. Right now the focus needs to be on what is best for your existing child as well as yourself and this pregnancy.

He absolutely doesn’t need to be at the scans. You can text him afterwards to say if it went okay. He is and is going to be furious at you for ‘daring’ to go against him and report him. He will therefore try to punish you by telling you he will want custody etc. Abusers do not make good parents. In an ideal world a child gets to know both parents. However, a child of an abuser is often not safe with the abuser. Abuser may not hurt child physically but the mental, verbal, emotional abuse does a huge amount of harm in its own right. Plus abuser often will do borderline neglectful behaviours with child in order to get at you. You can not co parent with an abuser either.

Think very carefully about saying he can see child under your supervision because he could use that to further abuse you.

This court case is vital in order to protect you and most importantly this baby from him. The less contact this man has with the child the better. A lazy dad is something children will get over but an abusive dad will affect them in numerous ways for the rest of their lives.

Do you know the mother of his other child? Are you able to reach out to her and ask why she did not allow contact?

I would not be allowing him to have any contact with your baby unless stipulated by the family court.

He hasn't learned at all. He's been charged with controlling and coercive behaviour and goes on to tell you that you'll be letting him take the child and you won't be breastfeeding. Block him.

Why do you think a child should know their abusive father? Why would that be a good thing for a child? And scans are medical appointments, even if you decide, stupidly, to let this man near your child, then a scan is not a chance for him to bond with them.

I don't think you are safe to be near him. And you desperately need some counselling to stop you from having him around.

I would make an application to the police for a DVDS, or 'Claire's Law' disclosure. He has been abusive to you and more than likely abusive to the ex partner/mother of his child.

A woman is much more at risk of domestic abuse during pregnancy so please protect yourself and your unborn baby but not continuing contact.

Reach out to women's aid for support, or any local domestic abuse charities, they will be able to guide you on your legal options etc.

Stop speaking to him he has abused you no you don't need to give him your child to abuse what you need to do is get him prosecuted and move far away where he can't get to you tell him you had a miscarriage or an abortion but don't give him an innocent child to play with

It's not safe for you to be around him and that's even more the case for a vulnerable baby.

So, he's been charged with coercive and controlling behaviour and is still continuing doing it about the baby, and instructing you on how you will feed it.

Yup.....seems like a good father to put in this innocent child's life.

Your job is to protect that child at all costs!! He doesn't get to bond and have a relationship until you can be sure of the child's safety, security and wellbeing. If convicted of DV it may end up as a referral to social services anyway to help you navigate it

But, as I say, your first and only thoughts are to protect this child. Not him, not what he demands, THE CHILD!

Block him until the birth. He has no right legal or moral to be at scans and shouldn't be in contact with you until the child is born because he's still controlling and abusing you.
When baby is born, wait to see if he takes you to court then request a contact centre so that you can minimise contact. Him seeing the child under your supervision isn't going to work as he's abusive and controlling. Worryingly you seem to accept him saying shit like you will not breastfeed so he can have the baby overnight. No judge would expect you to give up the baby for overnights until the baby is much older and that's in cases where there's do domestic violence.
A child not knowing their father is much better than a child knowing their abusive father. Your children will be damaged with each interaction that you have with your ex and in an ideal world, he would not bother to take you to court and leave you alone. Sadly as his parents are made from the same mould, you are at risk. Take a Freedom
Programme course to protect you and the children because you're going to have a turbulent and painful ride to say the least.

No, he can’t dictate how the baby will be fed and also you need to protect yourself and stop
contacting him.

Well done on being able to break free from such an awful situation. It's ok to feel conflicted and all the emotions under the sun, double that with pregnancy hormones and it'll be a roller coaster.

For scans - firstly it doesn't sound as though you'd be safe with him to attend with you. There's an order in place to prevent contact for your safety and consequences if this is broken - definitely for him amd potentially for you through being exposed to more DV. Not attending scans won't impact your child IF a safe relationship can be established at some point in the future.

I'd strongly recommend you are not suitable to supervise any contact when baby is here if its safe for this to go ahead. It needs to be a safe adult who accepts and understands the risks so potentially not his parents either.

He has shown you his behaviour has not changed by telling you you can't breastfeed.

He can apply for access through court which will consider the safety of you and baby whilst also looking at the child's right to a relationship with dad - if safe and in best interests of child. I would speak to your midwife about your worries but remember you have time to figure this out especially as you're so early on

I could have almost written this post myself. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I reported my ex fiancé for coercive control and sexual assault. He is getting away with everything as the police have mishandled the DA element and it's infuriating after years of abuse.
He is now engaged to his next victim who he got together with a matter of weeks after his arrest and he's unaware that I've had a baby a few weeks ago. I decided not to involve him at all because he doesn't want a child, he would use the situation as an opportunity to control me so I'm keeping things quiet for as long as I can.
He will find out eventually but I'll deal with it then.
If your ex is as cruel as that to you, you don't really want him anywhere near your child. He's already trying to control the way you feed, which is horrendous.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Feel free to keep in touch if you ever want to talk xx