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About to become a solo mum due to being widowed, advice please

15 replies

seethebeauty84 · 23/07/2023 20:59

Hi there, hope everyone's ok. Sadly my husband has incurable cancer and options are running out quickly. I have 3 kids aged 6 and under. It's heartbreaking.

I'm after any advice you think may help someone go from a very solid parenting team (he's very hands on) to a solo parent of 3 please... I can't lie, I'm scared.

Also, can anyone recommend any books / TV shows where there's no dad? I cannot stand bl**dy Bluey with the incredible dad in it now this is happening and would love them to see some characters without dads to normalise it a bit...

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Switcher · 23/07/2023 21:01

Get in touch with widowed and young and Cruse. My friend who was in that situation said they were very helpful. I'm so sorry.

BingandSulaandFlop · 23/07/2023 21:06

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. Unfortunately I don't think I can give any practical advice, but in answer to your other question, the mum in Toy Story is on her own and there is no mention of what happened to Andy's dad. For younger children, Tee and Mo.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 23/07/2023 21:21

I'm sorry @seethebeauty84 that's an awful thing to have to deal with.

Winstons Wish is a bereavement charity for children, they have fantastic resources to help explain the loss in child friendly ways. I lost my mum when I was 21, my brothers were 18, 16 and 5. Then dad died when I was 28, my youngest brother was only 12.

You'll probably find with your children that they'll have periods where they seem completely fine, then all of a sudden it will hit them, then quickly they'll be fine again. It's how kids process grief, unlike adults who will feel the deep pain for a prolonged period.

Take any and all help you can get from family and friends, let them take the kids out for fun times if they are able to, look at kids clubs and activities that give them normalcy and you some room to breathe.

Get your paperwork in order now, probate, wills, if your husband has bank accounts in his name, get added so that they are joint accounts and don't get frozen, look at your DHs employment contract to see if there are death in service benefits, also if you have life insurance check for critical illness cover.

In the weeks and months after you pr husband passes there are no 'shouldn't when it comes to your feelings, your kids feelings, house keeping, diet, exercise or any of that stuff. If you eat nothing but fish and chips for a month it will be fine. Do not put any pressure on yourself.
You also might find that you feel unexpected emotions, I remember feeling so ashamed of myself because I was just so fucking angry at my mum for dying and leaving us. If you have someone you can be honest with then talk to them, if not then look into counselling because it is useful to be able to vent.

Persipan · 23/07/2023 21:36

I don't recall ever seeing Tag's dad in Hey Duggee. Or Happy's, come to that. There are dads about, sure, but there's definitely a mix of families there. And the fact that you are thinking deeply about this now is a sign to me that you can do this. It will be incredibly hard sometimes, but you can do it.

My situation is very different to yours, because I'm a solo parent by choice rather than by circumstance, but I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. You are going to find that people offer to do 'anything' to help, which is fundamentally quite meaningless because what's 'anything'? If I may offer one piece of advice, it would be this (which I learned from friends going through an incredibly difficult time a few years ago) - don't be afraid to just outright ask for whatever you need at any point. Someone to cook dinner. Someone to weed the garden. Anything and everything. People will be glad to know what would help you, and you'll get exactly what you need when you need it.

letshaveachangeshallwe · 23/07/2023 21:45

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I would also recommend widowed and young website but to answer your question - Tee and Mo, she's an amazing sole monkey mum x

CKL987 · 23/07/2023 23:19

I'm really sorry you and your family are having to go through this. I'm afraid I don't have any parenting advice from experience but to add to a previous poster regarding money, please be aware you'll qualify for a bereavement allowance from the government. https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/eligibility

BreakfastGold · 23/07/2023 23:35

Hi op, I was widowed when our daughter was 2, he was a adoring dad too and it's horrendous, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I've noticed more since I was widowed how many characters have lost parents. Lots of superheroes and fairytales for example. But the ones that kids relate to aren't always the ones you expect. The one that's resonated with my dd most so far is Peter Rabbit, the cartoon regularly references his late father. Tee and Mo is another example of a lone parent. There are books specifically for grieving children - Is Daddy Coming Back in a Minute, Daddy's Rainbow and Why Do Things Die have helped us.

I only have one child but zero family support and the hardest thing for me was getting time to grieve or just have any kind of alone time. Do whatever you can to carve out time for yourself, even just a couple of hours a week. It's meant calling in a lot of childcare favours I'd never have wanted to ask for, from neighbours and friends. It's not nice to be the person needing help from others but here we are sadly.

seethebeauty84 · 25/07/2023 17:02

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. This is a lonely path and it means a lot. Definitely going to check out Tee and Mo and I can't believe I forgot about Peter Rabbit? Are there any for slightly older kids? Just thinking about my 6 year old... (Who thinks she's a teenager already.)

@BreakfastGold I'm so sorry you were widowed too. Ugh, it's shit. How are you doing? And how's your daughter now? Sending love and solidarity your way xxx

OP posts:
BreakfastGold · 26/07/2023 14:16

@seethebeauty84 we are doing...okay. From the outside our lives look good now, we are settled in routines, I work, we make happy memories at the weekends, she's doing really well at nursery. Not every day is a struggle, I have plans for the future, I'm even thinking about dating...But not a day goes by when I don't miss my husband or keenly feel the sheer unfairness of the hand we've been dealt. Having someone to parent with is what I miss most of all, it's just not as much fun doing it alone. Have you looked at Widowed and Young? You can't join until you are widowed but I've found a lot of support there over the last couple of years.

WidowedMum · 28/07/2023 22:42

You’ve had some great advice already so I’m just going to say what a widowed nurse said to me at the hospice my husband was in.

‘You will get through it. It seems impossible now but you will.’

Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk.

Mythicalcreatures · 28/07/2023 22:47

I wasn't widowed, we had already divorced, so it was easier for me. For dc we made a memory box and we got a Christmas tree star made with some of dc's father's ashes, so he plays a part every Christmas, dc really appreciate that. Good luck

Hellenbach · 28/07/2023 23:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this with such very young children. My DH died in 2016 after many years of living with cancer.
My children were 10 and 6 (with SEN).
I told my children that Daddy was going to die (one of the hardest things I've had to do).
It's been a bumpy few years.
My youngest loves the CBeebies Waffle the Dog. Evie's birth dad is absent from her life.
Recently I took him to watch Lion King. I couldn't have done that before.
I'll be thinking of you. The road ahead is tough, I won't lie.
Come back to me if you'd like more advice about anything.
You can do this, you'll find a strength that you never knew you had x

StJulian2023 · 30/07/2023 23:19

Sending much love. Mine were 5 and 7, are now 11 and 14. Eldest has struggled much more than youngest but that’s to do with SN and other issues also. Previous description of a ‘bumpy’ few years so true for us too. We’ve had some brilliant times also though and the DC make me proud every day.

You’ll do wonderfully because you have no choice and because you love your family. Please take any chances at rest when you can even if they are mere moments, because this life is a marathon xxx

Plump50 · 31/07/2023 00:18

I was widowed suddenly 2 years ago, and have 3 DC. There's good advice on this thread about organisations that can provide support.

At times I've felt overwhelmed, resentful, angry, scared, but also a growing sense of confidence in myself and my DC. I would say that we're doing pretty well now. Our lives have changed and we're a different family, but my kids are growing and thriving and yours will too.

Sending very best wishes to you and your family OP.

warblingwater · 31/07/2023 00:31

In a similar position unfortunately, my DH is refusing any further treatment so now it's a matter of time.
One thing I might suggest is asking him Qs like

What was your favourite memory/toy as a child
How did you decide what to study at uni/where to work
what was your hobby
Do you have a favourite poem/book? Why that one?
Have you ever won any competitions?
Tell me a funny story about your relationship with your siblings
What was your first date like with mum?

And voice recording them and then when you're strong enough transcribe them and make them into a book for the children so they can 'know' all these things about their dad

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