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Lone parents

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Original poster

Maintenance increase

28 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 10:48

Hi. I have been divorced from my first husband for 7 years now, and we had a court order in place for him to pay £300 per month for the 2 children. BUT...in 7 years, despite the fact that his salary has increased and the children have got older (and therefore more expensive) his payments have never increased. I'm a single Mum, have 3 kids and struggle on the money I get. He doesn't contribute to clothes, school trips etc, and when he sees the children in holidays I have to do the journey one way which costs £50 in petrol each time. So...can I ask for the payments to be increased? Should he pay towards school trips etc on top of maintenance? And how much, given the 7 years of salary increases, should I reasonably ask him to pay? He lives with his girlfriend, they both work full time and have no kids.
I think I'm going to have to ask him to pay for the petrol to see the kids, and to top up the money I get. As it is my 13 year old daughter has next to no clothes, and I panic every time a school trip comes up. He knows we are in a dire situation as I had to flee my 2nd marriage as my husband sexually abused our baby daughter, as well as me and was emotionally abusive towards the children. At the moment we are 'in hiding' far from home, and staying with a friend who is in no position to financially support us, and we are due to move into our own council place in the next few weeks.
Any ideas? Suggestions?

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 26/02/2008 10:51

i think he should pay for petrol definitely.

As for increase, i think he should be giving you 20% of his income - thats what CSA says for 2 children. I think its worth asking him about school trips or doing a one-off biggish clothes shop for your children so they have more clothes etc. Shoes too. His partners income should not be counted though; they are not her children too iyswim?

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 10:59

Hi Scorpio...I know they're not her kids and to be honest I don't want her paying for them (even though she bloody well should seeing as she broke the marriage up in the first place!!!!). But it pees me off immensely when I see them swanning off to Rome and Paris for weekends, and Ibiza for a fortnight every year, when I'm struggling to even clothe the children, let alone take them on holiday. I've booked a camping holiday in August for a week, but will struggle to pay even the £100 for that TBH. I've not made a fuss in the whole time since the divorce, but now I'm really finding it hard to pay even the basics.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 26/02/2008 11:02

oh i wasn't being mean, i kow hard it can be

Could he pay for the holiday? Definitely sounds like he needs to be helping you out a bit more.

Katelyn · 26/02/2008 11:04

A tricky one?

My husband is currently paying maintenance for his daughter from his previous wife and it goes up by a percentage each year but NOT because of her age but because that was what they agreed in court to reflect interest rates going up etc.

The fact that he has a girlfriend and no kids should be at the back of your mind - thats none of your business. Reverse that for a moment and think if he and his new partner marry and have ten children - does that mean you shouldnt get a penny - of course not!

I would certainly consult a solicitor as i think £300 for 2 children is far too little anyway. My husband pays £500 for one child as well as spousal maintenance.

Good luck.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 11:15

Hi, lol...I know it sounds like I'm a bitter ex...I'm truly not as it was the best thing to happen to me in the long run - he's very immature and childish, and if we were still together I'd have outgrown him anyway IYSWIM? I only mentioned the girlfriend as a way to demonstrate that I didn't think I was making unreasonable demands on him - it's not like he has any dependents to support. Even in the divorce my solicitor wanted me to go for the jugular but I wouldn't as I didn't want to see him struggle. But now, I'm struggling and I think he should be contributing more to our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 11:18

But also, when I spoke to the CSA about my second husband, they said that they do take into account the fact that men who have second families should pay less. So in a way it is relevant that they have no kids to support in their relationship.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel6 · 26/02/2008 11:19

swte maybe take it back to court if you want an increase, the maintenance he gives you is for all the childrens needs and should cover everything, if you are in dire straights then maybe go along to the CAB to see if there is any benefits you are entitled too that you aren't claiming, are you on IS or working ?

Tinkerbel6 · 26/02/2008 11:27

swte cause they dont have any kids together shouldnt be an issue cause they still have their own living costs and they might have made a decision not to have kids cause they like their lifestyle, although your ex wont get a reduction in the maintenance and the court might even award you more if you took it back to court I do think that you are well provided for cause a lot of lone parents get sfa, myself included, I really think that maybe you should get some welfare rights advice about you situation.

SKYTVADDICT · 26/02/2008 11:34

I am in similar situation at the moment about asking after four years for a rise. In our separation agreement it says it can be reviewed on 1 April each year and I haven't asked yet.

He has also had pay rises but it didn't occur to me at the time to get the percentage increase put in the agreement.

It also pisses me off to see then jetting off to Tenerife for two weeks plus weekends away etc. DD1 also had hardly any clothes and I have been buying her things from the charity shops and told her not to tell them as he has told her he pays me enough to buy them lots of things. She had a letter about a ski trip at the weekend which was going to cost £1200 - my dp was going to offer to pay half if her dad would pay the other half - apparently she showed him the letter (we were going to talk to him after he had seen it) and the message came back to us through her that he would pay towards it but he would cut the maintenance by £50 per month for a year !! FFS !! doesn't he know I'm going to be asking for more

By the way he currently pays £400 for 2 kids which I know isn't bad but I think he earns a lot more now.

Sorry for the long rant - in conclusion I think you should be asking for a rise.

Katelyn · 26/02/2008 11:34

sleepingwiththeenemy,

They do take it into account but if you go onto the website you will see just how little it matters.

for example, my husband pays £500 per months in child maintenance, If we have a child it will bring his maintenance down to £480 - surely you can see that his new relationship is irrelevant.

If you're struggling and you'll be asked to prove it, to support YOUR CHILD (this is not Spousal Maintenance) on £300 per month then there will be an increase. If an order was not made for Spousal Maintenance - then you were not eligeable, i.e the courts would have expected you to return to work within a reasonable amount of time to secure YOUR OWN wage, i.e 1 year was what they gave my husbands ex wife.

Whilst I completely understand your position the court's outlook (having been several times with nmy husband!) is that you did not marry your husband for LIFE and he has subsequently moved on and by the sounds of it done well for himself. The courts will interogate you as they did the ex wife as to why, in 7 years, you have not secured yourself a wage. In hindsight, if your ex is maintaining £300 per month, there is no reason (in the courts eyes!) why you should not be expected to provide money for your children also?

Please do not take these messages the wrong way, I'm telling you what I know to try and help you.

A court will ask why why why to everything......the first being 'What have YOU done to increase your income'.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 11:54

On the contrary, I DID have a business...it was building into quite a successful one until I had to flee my home and city to go into a refuge and escape abuse. I also have a 3 year old daughter, which limits my ability to work somewhat. So,I am in a new city, in hiding, and on the breadline.Now, whilst I understand that it is not my first husband's fault, neither is it mine that I married a man who went on to rape his own baby daughter, so now I find myself in a situation where I am struggling for money, my first husband is in a position to help, and I think he should. If he was any sort of father he would buy our daughter some clothes, seeing as she has about 5 items to her name.

OP posts:
Katelyn · 26/02/2008 12:28

If i had realised this was a thread in which you were going to lash out ot people I wouldnt have offered my opinion or advice.

Good luck with your acquisition.

SKYTVADDICT · 26/02/2008 12:33

SWTE - I think your case is somewhat different to that of Katelyn's H's ex!!

I am sure if you ended up taking him to court you would win a larger amount and you should definitely try for it. Good Luck.

Katelyn · 26/02/2008 12:36

to quote

"If you're struggling and you'll be asked to prove it, to support YOUR CHILD (this is not Spousal Maintenance) on £300 per month then there will be an increase"

Tinkerbel6 · 26/02/2008 18:02

swte your ex does help as he pays you maintenance, you might get an extra £20 a week at push but I doubt it will help you much in your situation as I think its emotional help that you need, its shitty what has happened to you and your daughter but I think you going after your ex isnt a way of making it all better, you really need to go to the CAB to get some support, good luck

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/02/2008 19:37

Tinkerbel...I'm not 'going after' my ex at all, in fact I have a pretty good relationship with him. But as I'm struggling with money I was asking was it unreasonable to ask him to pay the £50 petrol when the children go to stay with him as I can't afford it. And I don't see paying maintenance as helping me, surely it's his duty? I know in some respects I'm lucky as many many men don't pay a penny.

OP posts:
FioFio · 26/02/2008 19:39

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FioFio · 26/02/2008 19:39

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Surfermum · 26/02/2008 19:47

If you have a pretty good relationship with him can't you just discuss this with him? If you start to involve solicitors or the CSA before even giving him the chance to offer/agree to help, I think it would be very inflammatory.

If you can't afford clothes or other things for your dd, it isn't unreasonable to be asking him to help out. And definitely not unreasonable with the petrol money. I think sharing the journey is a lovely thing to do, but if you are in dire straits financially it should definitely be the first thing to go if he is easily able to afford to do both ways.

How do you get on with his partner? Is it worth you talking to her? Now that dsd's mum will talk to me, sometimes we get things sorted better than she and dh can.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 27/02/2008 08:34

FioFio...whilst I 'moan' about the one who is paying for the other 2, the father of my 3 year old is being questioned for rape charges against her and myself. I have already said that I am in hiding from him, and have been advised by the police not to apply for maintenance from him as the CSA will reveal my address and he will come after me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 27/02/2008 08:36

Surfermum...I discussed it with him last night, or attempted to, but he went off his trolley. As I knew he would. I get on reasonably well with his gf but now that I have broached it with him he will have made his feelings clear to her so doubt it will help.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 27/02/2008 08:38

And in my OP, at no point was I moaning about him, FioFio...I was merely stating the facts. That I cannot manage, and could have gone back to court yearly for an increase but decided not to. To be nice to him. But now that I am struggling I merely want him to help out by either increasing his payment slightly, or pay the petrol. I'm not asking for a lot, I don't think.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 27/02/2008 09:21

Well at the very least you can contact the CSA and ask them to open a case. Then your claim will be dated from that point onwards. They will ask your ex for his details, your ex will say he pays so much as per the court order, and they will take this into account. But for two children they will work out 20%. Go to the CSA website and use their calculator thing based on what you think he is earning. Bear in mind that your perception of what you think he's earning might not be.

Going with a court order on the matter ties you to that order. So if his salary goes up or down you have to go back to court with costs, time, stress etc. In straight forward cases the CSA is much faster, as they know they can get their numbers up quicker dealing with an easy case. Course your ex will likely take offence if you go to the CSA without giving him a chance to pay more first.

If you can, try simply speaking to your ex. If speaking is difficult then write his a letter setting out your points and asking for a response within two weeks. Tell him you think it's time for an increase and point him at the CSA page for the calculator to work out how much he should be paying. See if you can come to an agreement. He's not likely to volunteer the money out of the blue, but if you ask then he might increase it. And if he doesn't increase it then you gave him a chance and so try the CSA.

As far as the petrol money goes tell him you are currently having trouble paying it and ask that he does both journeys until you can get things sorted out, or combine it with the money increase request, or say you simply can't do it for now and what does he suggest, (ie see the children more in the holidays rather than at wekends for 6 weeks and then review it again).

If it comes to a choice of him paying the petrol money or not seeing the children which do you think he will pick? And is not deeing their dad fair to the children and to him? There are compromises to be made, even if just short term ones. Solutions can be found, but you need to ask or you won't get. And if you ask and don't get then look at your other options of CSA or court.

Gilly

Surfermum · 27/02/2008 09:22

Oh SWTE . I just don't get it. It's one thing refusing to give extra if you just don't have it, or if the parent with care wants to have holidays abroad, or little Johnny MUST have a wii, but what you're asking isn't unreasonable.

The way we look at it is does dsd need x, will she have it if we don't pay, will she go on her school trip if we don't pay, and if it were dd what would we do? Anything we would do/be able to afford for dd we do for dsd. If her mum isn't paying for it and dsd misses out then it falls to us. I suppose we view it that we have 2 children to pay for, so we're lucky in that for one of them we don't have to pay for everything.

Is it worth a try ringing the girlfriend anyway?

Tinkerbel6 · 27/02/2008 13:18

SWTE I dont think you should be paying for the petrol to get the children to your ex, if he wants to see them then he should be doing the leg work, you cant afford to pay out for things like that at the moment so contact him and tell him that you are really struggling and that £50 could be better spent elsewhere, also go to the CAB as they can help you sort out your finaces, although you wont be entitled to income support you are entitled to child tax credits if you aren't receiving them at the moment.