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Lone parents

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Original poster

Sons dad wants him to live there

24 replies

Peach1989 · 22/07/2023 13:20

My sons dad has for months said he wants our 4yo to live with him and his new girlfriend and her daughter who is the same age. I refused because he chose to move 30 miles away from us to move in with her, their house is only 2 bed and our son is going to school where we are and so would have to move school.

Both adults in the house smoke weed and my sons dad sold drugs, potentially still does. Our old home was burgled by other drug dealers and he was badly attacked by them also, we moved away but he continued selling and that is what ended our relationship when my son was 2. He also never did any of the child care.

he currently sees him every other weekend and I offer extra, he never asks for it but doesn’t often refuse if I offer. He claims that because I work full time from home, (can do school run etc )and have help from my mum with child care he will get residency of our son in court. His gf would be doing the child care as he also works full time. our son does say he would like to live with his dad.

what’s the likely hood he would win for our son to live there ?

sorry for a long post I’m very stressed!

OP posts:

PrinceHaz · 22/07/2023 13:23

I don’t know, but I’d guess unlikely. I’d get advice to reassure yoursel. I’d also keep a dossier of all you know about they ways in which he is a danger to your child e.g. the drug dealer stuff.

gallina · 22/07/2023 13:23

Try not to stress it's highly unlikely.
Let him pay to take it to court, make sure you mention the drug use and the court will order drug tests too.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/07/2023 13:24

He'd get 50/50 tops.
When ds is school age, the distance wouldn't work with 50/50.
Ds would be able to choose around age 12.

AndyMcFlurry · 22/07/2023 13:24

Just say no. He won’t take it to court.
does your ex have any convictions ?
Your 4 year old is too young to know what’s best.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/07/2023 13:25

Is he likely to spend money on legal fees?

Sprogonthetyne · 22/07/2023 13:37

At 4, DS's opinion won't be a factor, though you could consider it when deciding how much time you are prepared to offer. The availability of dads new girlfriend will also not carry much weight, contact time is about spending time with a parent, and your both equally roughly equally in time/work.

Courts (if it even gets there) tend to favour the statuesque so are unlikely to subject a child to the upheaval of changing house, school & main caregiver, without very good reason. And babysitting by someone he bearly knows isn't going to be see as a reason.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 13:39

Not sure how he would even get 50/50 with him working and ds at school your way... Sounds like he is trying to act big to his gf..

FriendsDrinkBook · 22/07/2023 13:44

It is very unlikely that family court will suggest that it is best to remove a child from their stable home life and local school. It is also unlikely that the opinions of a 4 year old will be considered when making this decision. My children were 3 and 9 when we went through family court and exh was offered eow plus one evening each with with the 9 year old only. The 3 year old was seen as too little to spend an evening after a tiring day at nursery away from home.

FriendsDrinkBook · 22/07/2023 13:45

*each week.

Original poster

Peach1989 · 22/07/2023 13:52

Wow I didn’t expect all these responses.
I don’t think he has any convictions, @AndyMcFlurry maybe years ago.
@FriendsDrinkBook @Sprogonthetyne that is so reassuring to hear thank you, I have no idea about this stuff but I have contacted a solicitor to get advice but they can’t see me for 2 weeks. It’s just making me really upset and frustrate, especially when my son says he wants to live there. But I know it’s because he’s a total Disney dad. @Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets you aren’t the first person to say he’s probably just showing off to the gf! @BoohooWoohoo he says he happily spend thousands if he has to even if he loses… I honestly don’t know if he would, I can afford it if he does but I’m pretty sure he can’t. It’s all so stressful we co parent well for so long until he moved

OP posts:

FriendsDrinkBook · 22/07/2023 14:04

When I was in a panic about the outcome at family court , my solicitor gave me some good advice. She told me be consistent as family court knows that that's what's best for children. Keep doing what you're doing op , and just smile and nod when the ex goes on about what he wants. It will all work out.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 14:07

Imo make plans to persuade ds his feelings are to stay where he is. . Nip this idea df is offering something better.. My mate bought her dc a fish! Their home became the Best Place Ever!.
*not suggesting a dpet but sometimes dc see things so simple as being the best! New bike? Slide?

FriendsDrinkBook · 22/07/2023 14:10

Or let superdad run out of money and energy playing his silly one-up game against the op! They can't sustain this nonsense , trust me.

Mumof4plusbonus · 22/07/2023 14:17

So he thinks the fact he has his child on childcare with his gf is different than you with your mum? Yeah your mum is related and has known him since birth! He’s deluded. He might have got 50/50 as you have no proof of what he’s like, but due to the distance that’s unlikely too.

Original poster

Peach1989 · 22/07/2023 14:54

He wouldn’t go for 50/50 I have offered him way more contact as a permanent things and he says no because of work he claims the only way to see him in the week is for ds to live there. As far as evidence of what he’s like we actually do have some pictures of things myself and others found in the house when he was selling. But how long ago it was I guess the court would only care about now.

thank you so so much to everyone who responded to my post, I feel a lot better now

OP posts:

ninjafoodienovice · 22/07/2023 16:33

Always base your answers on what is best for the child. Such as it's in x's best interests to stay at his school where he has settled in well and making friends.
It's not in x's best interests to live in a 2 bedroom house and share a bedroom with a non relative female child.
X walks to school with me everyday in under 10 minutes- this is in x's best interests rather than a 30 min car journey twice a day
X has a good support network, and it's not in their best interests to be uprooted to another area and school because the other parent finds it more convenient etc etc

I have seen evidence of drug use in the house so that is not in X's best interests to be exposed to that on a daily basis

It is very unlikely that family court would award residency to your ex when your dc is already settled at school. The worst case would be 50/50 but DC would continue at their current school which is not what your ex wants because they can't be bothered with that in the first place.

A 4 year old doesn't know what they want really. They could say they want to live with Dad because there's an X box or a big sweetie tin.
Just concern yourself with your child's best interest and I doubt your ex will follow through with court and if they do, you hold all the cards right now.

Original poster

Peach1989 · 22/07/2023 16:52

@ninjafoodienovice
thank you so much that’s really informative, I will be keeping this so I know how to word things

OP posts:

grunttheterrible · 22/07/2023 17:00

At 4 has he just finished reception or just about to start? It doesn't make a massive difference anyway- by the time it came to mediation/court DS will be settled in school. I'd delay as much as possible "thinking it over" and be open to every other weekend and him coming to your location one evening a week to take DS out after school for dinner as it's "in his best interests to see his dad" 50/50 can't really work with the distance and judges are keen to maintain the status quo as far as possible when there are no child protection issues with the current arrangement. I can't help thinking he dumps DS on gf and claims maintenance to find their habit but that's prob just me being cynical. Either way he's not offering anything you can't and there's no reason for things to drastically change, unless you've missed out something serious.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I have similar issues with DD1's father and it's so stressful. Honestly don't think you have grounds to worry though ❤️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2023 17:02

Very unlikely when they smoke drugs and love so far away - your son has a right to be settled at school. Your mum helping you will count for you not against you, and involved granparent is much more useful than a parents girlfriend.
Don't worry. Let him go to court. Keep a record of everything and be careful what you say in writing

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 22/07/2023 17:29

If he's a drug user then he probably doesn't have the most logical thought process. If he thinks that all he has to do is tell you what he wants and it will happen, then he's very wrong.

You know him better than us? In your experience of him is he organised and driven, can he follow a course of action that needs logical and sensible input over months or years? If not, then he's probably not going to be able to get it together to even bring you to court, let alone convince the court that his house would be a better choice for primary residency. If he does bring you to court then you clearly have a good, child-centred set up at the moment and it's unlikely that the court will disrupt your DC just to make your ex happy.

Try to keep all of your communication in writing, by text or email, so that you have a record of you being reasonable and he can't make up some alternative narrative that makes you out to be a bad parent in some way. Don't let him upset you, be bland to any suggestions that he makes eg "I think the current set up works well for DC" or "I don't think it would be a good idea to have a lot of upheaval in DC's life". Don't be scared, if he thinks that he can scare you then that gives him power.

trevthecat · 22/07/2023 17:49

Is he really going to pay the amount it costs to drag you through court? Does he have thousands to spare?

Yahyahs22 · 22/07/2023 18:24

Almost no chance he'll get full custody

Original poster

Peach1989 · 22/07/2023 18:59

@grunttheterrible thank you, DS has done 2 years or nursery joined to the reception and school he is about to go in to. His dad doesn’t want 50/50 or even an extra night because he won’t make the effort to travel.

I let him not pay maintenance to me for a year when we first split as he was struggling & have texts from him saying how if they got my son they could get a bigger council house. They haven’t declared him living there as she is on benefits and the house is paid by the council.

I have a great support network my mum is actually my neighbour (blessing and curse haha) thank you for your support and kind words

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/07/2023 19:35

This would drive me fucking crazy! It's not in your little boy's best interest to live with his dad. His dad wouldn't even be the person looking after him. I think this is due to him not wanting to pay any maintenance at all and to relish the thought of you paying. I would do nothing regards contact, but I would gather as much evidence of drug abuse as possible.

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