what would you do in this situation???

[charlotte121]

My ex is starting to mess about totally when he is supposed to see ds and is only giving me £15 a week for him when it should be something like £35. I ended up waiting in all day for him at the weekend only for him to txt me and say he wasnt coming... well basicly that happen friday evening and saterday. then he came over on sunday played with ds for a bit then took him out for the afternoon, when he came bk he told me that he had been to the pub to watch the football. He couldnt understand y i was so angry but i thought it was downright irresponsible to take an 8 month baby into a pub and not my idea of him spending quality time with him either.
Im thinking of going through the CSA to get my money i deserve, however he gets the sack often and so im not sure how secure the money would be if you get what i mean. also Im thinking of telling him that if he's gonna be stupid and take my baby to a pub then he'll have to have supervised visits. Am i over reacting? comments and views please!

I dont think your over reacting hes having ds to spend time with him n what quality of time is ds getting with his dad if its down the pub. If you get the CSA involved they will chase your ex for maintanence and as it takes a little longer to get to your account you should theoretically egt a heads up if he isnt able to pay. Im think although not sure that if he is on jobseekers he can still make a contribution but when my ex was on it he could 'opt out' this was nearlya year ago so dont know how its changed. hth

it drives me mad how he cant see that hes doing anything wrong and always has a reason to justify what he has done... i just wish he would spend that much time on ds and expected bump dd.

I'm guessing your ex is failry young still?

Remember noone knows how to be a perfect parent, we all have to learn and learn from our mistakes and get help from our mother, health vistor, books, or whoever will listen!

Perhaps suggest he should consider going on a parenting course to help him learn some of the basics as he's not seeing much of his son, and not very hands on. It must be hard for him when he feels he is doing the right thing seeing his son, only to be yelled at and criticised for it. Ok most people would agree that taking a baby to the pub to watch football isn't quality time. But at 8 months your son might well have fallen asleep on the walk, and the pub is smoke free now remember. He probably got a fuss made over him too, and all the chatter and noise would have kept him entertained. I doubt he was in any danger being in a pub, so how can you justify cancelling all contact unless supervised.

Maybe instead of yelling at your ex, try and stay calm, make it clear you don't approve of the pub and suggest he leaves taking your son to the pub until he is old enough to appreciate it. And then suggest places he could take him instead, like to the park or for a walk around the shops, to the library, feeding the ducks/pigeons or wherever you think. Why not try and enroll his mum or sister to visit with him so if he takes your son out they go with them. You might end up with him taking him to the pub and just not telling you if you yell at him for it.

Also you might well see cancelling friday and saturday while you waited in all day as being unreliable, but he might feel that he is a free spirit, you are not together and he had (in his eyes) good reasons not to be there and managed to get there as soon as he could, which was only sunday after all and what's the big deal...

Next time text him if he doesn't arrive at the appointed time asking if he has been held up and that you will wait in for another 15 minutes unless you hear otherwise from him. And then go out, for a walk, for the rest of the day, to the library, a friends, wherever. But don't be sitting at home waiting for him. If he then turns up and you're not there maybe he'll think twice about letting you know if he's runnign late next time.

I don't think there is a magic wand you can wave to make him realise what a responsibility it is to be a parent, and that even if you son is only 8 months old he needs relaibility, consistancy and a father who is part of his life and committed to his child. But encouragement and help might work better and help build his confidence so he wants to be around his son more. Then again it might not. I'm just saying try and see both sides and find a solution. Not easy i know, you'd probably still be together if you could work things out and compromise. Stay strong, stay calm for your son.

Put the parenting course to him, he may not even know about them.

Deep breathes, he's not worth your anger.
Gilly

gillybean: He's 25... going on 4 Its good to see it from someones perspective who seems to have balanced it out. His mother will be of no help. She isnt a particually good role model herself and he has learnt most of his bad habbits from her. I can see what you mean about encouraging him rather than critocising... which i will try harder at although i do find it very hard. Especially when i have to leave him in charge of my precious son, i know im going to return to some sort of disaster. I bought him a book about being a dad when i was pregnant as i thought he might find it useful, it was also quite funny. it ended up in the first st peters hospice bag that came round. he wasnt impressed.
he doesnt react well to nagging... which i do quite a bit i spose. But i try the nicey nicey approach and he takes the piss and then i end up losing my rag and yelling at which point he either hangs the phone up on me or walks out. I just find it hard sometimes that which ever approach i take he doesnt seem to listen.
I think i need to take a step back and stop venting my own anger on him... the fact that i had to grow up without my dad (he died when i was 8) and i know he would have done everything in his power to look after me and give me everything i need. I know also that my ex had quite a disturbed childhood and perhaps he doesnt really know how to be a dad if he never had a decent role model. He also had lots of different men coming in and out of his life as his mother appears to have been a (cough cough) busy woman when her children were growing up. None of them have the same father, i think he is 1 of 5 and none of them r in contact with their fathers. Anyway im rambling here. thankyou for your advice. I will try and take it on board as much as possible and put my patient slippers on with him. hope you dont think i sound like a harsh bitch. I just dont want him messing ds about the way he is doing. and i could also do with a bit of support from him thanks again. x

charlotte, it's definitely not ok for him to say he's coming on a friday and not show up until sunday and you shoudl talk to him about this. However, he is a 25 year old boy and if you nag him about too much he will just shut off and not listen to anything you say. Taking an 8 month old to a pub is probably not the best thing he could do with him, but the reality is that 8 month old babies are not terribly exciting companions and especially not for 25 year old boys. At least with the smoking ban, the pub would not have been smokey. Let him do what he wants to do as long as it's not dangerous and then he might actually stick around and be there when your ds is older and wants to do more interesting things that his father could do with him. In the meantime enjoy the free time for yourself.

I consider my dh an excellent father and I'm not sure he would have done anything more exciting with our kids than take them to the pub or plop them in front of the tv when they were babies, if I hadn't organized other things.

My friend once gave me very good advice for dealing with men. She said whatever they do or say, add in your mind "mental age of 12" and whatever they have just done or said will make a whole lot more sense.

Pretty selfish of him to make sure he has all the best bits of the weekend, then turns up on a Sunday when there's nothing else to do, so may as well go visit the baby. Harsh, but true, I think.

he's being very pig headed at the mo. Im really trying to be patient with him but he knows exactly what to do to wind me up and then i have a go at him. The main problem at the mo is he hasnt got a job and i cant support ds without his weekly money as pityful as it is as i live off of a student loan which seems to be becoming nevre ending. he keeps ending up in temp jobs, the sensible thing to do would be to look for a perminant job whilst he was in one of these temp job but time after time he does nothing and then has to go weeks without anywork and gets him self into debt.
Im going through quite a stressful time at the moment with family members who arnt over the moon that im expecting another baby and deadlines due in at uni and could use his support. Im worried about the effects of stress on the unborn baby but it doesnt seem to bother him. I think he may have a new gf which would explain his loss of interest in ds. its a real pity!

he's being very pig headed at the mo. Im really trying to be patient with him but he knows exactly what to do to wind me up and then i have a go at him. The main problem at the mo is he hasnt got a job and i cant support ds without his weekly money as pityful as it is as i live off of a student loan which seems to be becoming nevre ending. he keeps ending up in temp jobs, the sensible thing to do would be to look for a perminant job whilst he was in one of these temp job but time after time he does nothing and then has to go weeks without anywork and gets him self into debt.
Im going through quite a stressful time at the moment with family members who arnt over the moon that im expecting another baby and deadlines due in at uni and could use his support. Im worried about the effects of stress on the unborn baby but it doesnt seem to bother him. I think he may have a new gf which would explain his loss of interest in ds. its a real pity!

have you checked that you are recieving everything you could be financially charlotte? check out entitledto.com if you havn't already. Of course it goes without saying that your ex should be supporting his son finacially and also turning up when he says he will to see him rather then when he feels like it. I don't think 25 years old is a 'boy' either, its plenty old enough to take resposibility for providing for and being there for his child whether of not he is an 'entertaining companion' or not!
hope that he does step up to the mark and start giving you more support so you can feel a bit less stressed for the rest of your pregnancy. Would meeting somewhere neuteral like for a coffie if you can get DS minded and calmly talking to him about your son and new baby and coming to an agreement about him having consistent contact and financial support be possible or helpful do you think?

Im not sure. There are so many other problematic issues in the situation and some that i know really bug him but wont back down on (in the best intrests of ds)
He doesnt always listen so i end up writing him letters so that i can get my point across without being interupted, however this doesnt really get the desired effect. I think some of the things i said may have set in as he has turned upto to see ds tonight he changed the time a million times but i cant complain, he's actually playing with him instead of watching the tv. Its very nice to see ds so happy with his daddy! lets hope this is the start of things to change