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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My DS has upset me, please talk me down

17 replies

Runningonjammiedodgers · 20/07/2023 11:04

DS (13) is on a school trip. He lives with me 99% of the time and I do all the parenting. ExH loves his kids but is a bit of a Disney dad. He also has a habbit of ditching them on his weekends if he gets a 'better offer'. We communicate well enough and he does do nice things with the DCs when he has them.

I registered DS for a place on the school trip (massively over subscribed, had to act fast to get the spot), I paid for the school trip, took DS to the bus at an un godly hour, helped him pack, provided the spending money, and sat through many a meeting at school about the trip. Since he has been away I have heard nothing from him and my messages have gone unread. ExH has just texted 'did you see DS pictures from the trip? Looks amazing'. So now I have cried because I feel so upset that I do everything for DS, his Dad does not, and yet I get ignored while ExH gets photos, messages and daily updates on all the fun.

I don't parent my children because I want their gratitude, I do it because I love them and I love being their mum. But it stings that he can't even be bothered to read a text from me but has all the time in the world to chat to his dad.

OP posts:

Skeldale · 20/07/2023 11:07

This must be so hard and my heart really feels for you. Whilst there is little you can do now, when your DS returns you need to talk to him about this. This sort of discussion is how he learns to how to treat people he cares about.

Be good to yourself and remember he's 13, a boy and probably unused to dealing with gratitude as most boys his age are.

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 20/07/2023 11:19

Thank you. I know its not intentional but def hurts!

OP posts:

Backstreets · 20/07/2023 11:23

He knows he has to work for dad’s love and attention and takes yours for granted. Doesn’t make it any less hurtful I suppose, but you’re the safe constant and the sense of home.

ElephantLove · 20/07/2023 11:25

I agree - talk to him when he’s home. I have a 13 yr old. He’s adorable but can pull shit like this with his dad. He really takes it on board when I talk to him though.

Quartz2208 · 20/07/2023 11:27

Did he definitely send them to his dad and not post them on instagram etc, did you see can imply that he saw them somewhere rather than was sent

Useruser0912 · 20/07/2023 11:32

Yes I would be hurt by this too but I imagine he's probably sent the photos to his dad to try and get his attention. He knows he doesn't need to do stuff like this to get your attention.

QuickDraining · 20/07/2023 11:32

How does DH get these photos? Are they direct messages via something like Whatsapp, or is this just something dumped on Facebook/Instagram that he is watching from afar?

Seems world's apart from school trips when we were young. We wouldn't have even considered contacting our parents, but then again, barely had the means to. I remember being in that kind of environment and it's hard to find your own space to do anything.

It may be 40 year back, but you simply don't recognise what your parents do for you when you are young. Only in time. My Dad really only had energy to do his job. And barely anything else, while my Mum went slowly crazy living in suburbia being a Mum until she couldn't take it any more.

Ducksurprise · 20/07/2023 11:37

Backstreets · 20/07/2023 11:23

He knows he has to work for dad’s love and attention and takes yours for granted. Doesn’t make it any less hurtful I suppose, but you’re the safe constant and the sense of home.

This, he knows you love him whatever, he doesn't have to perform for your love.

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 20/07/2023 11:48

QuickDraining · 20/07/2023 11:32

How does DH get these photos? Are they direct messages via something like Whatsapp, or is this just something dumped on Facebook/Instagram that he is watching from afar?

The DCs have a group WhatsApp with their dad. DC2 phone is at home and there are now 64 unread messages on the group chat between DS and his dad (I haven't read them obvs just seen the notifications). ExH text about the pictures which are not on Facebook so i'm guessing where sent in the group chat. DC2 phone is in my room as they don't have phones in their room at night and DC2 is primary age so phone stays at home when they are at school hence the reason I have noticed all the notifications coming through.

OP posts:

QuickDraining · 20/07/2023 11:55

Oh, well there's part of me that thinks DH is just being stupid, and not realising you aren't part of the chat. Other people's conversations aren't our business really. But I get why that can trigger jealousy and annoyance. He may feel more comfortable reaching out to his Dad when you are not about. Don't take that too personally. Some boys are desperate to vie for approval. Especially when it comes to activities. Hey Dad, watch me!

Levithecat · 22/07/2023 14:20

Backstreets · 20/07/2023 11:23

He knows he has to work for dad’s love and attention and takes yours for granted. Doesn’t make it any less hurtful I suppose, but you’re the safe constant and the sense of home.

100% this. Hard to take your son ignoring you as a compliment (!) but it shows he trusts in your presence and supoort. Def talk with him when he get back about the courtesy of acknowledging a message at least.

Singleandproud · 22/07/2023 15:19

Do you and DS routinely share photos on chat etc? It may well be he is just used to communicating with his dad that way as he doesn't see him and didn't think.

Things like that hurt, but remember it's because you are the constant and dad is the novelty.

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 22/07/2023 22:19

No we don't normally text much because I see him every single day. So maybe that's why he didn't think to text.

He got back yesterday and had bought me and DC2 a present each. I cried. As discreetly as I could. 😊

OP posts:

biggreentree · 22/07/2023 22:29

What a lovely boy. You’re the centre of his world, and will see the pics.

Singleandproud · 23/07/2023 09:35

What a lovely reunion.

Make him a warm drink this morning and sit with him and look through his photos so he can tell you about each one, and then take him to the supermarket and get his favourites developed.

Original poster

Runningonjammiedodgers · 23/07/2023 13:30

Singleandproud · 23/07/2023 09:35

What a lovely reunion.

Make him a warm drink this morning and sit with him and look through his photos so he can tell you about each one, and then take him to the supermarket and get his favourites developed.

Oh that's great idea to get some of his favourites printed out!

OP posts:

defiant2024 · 06/02/2024 00:28

Of course you had a perfect right to feel a bit snubbed. But it's because you're the safe bet, you are always there, he knows you will always pay attention and love him, so he takes your love for granted. Just shows you're a great mum and he feels very safe in that love.

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