How do you let go of the anger

[WednesdaysMentor]

Split up with exDP in January. We have one DD who is 10 and an older son who is an adult.

Ex moved out in January and hasnt really bothered with DD since. He moved in with his OW in March and has seen DD once since then.

My heart breaks for her that her father has walked out on her life and makes no attempt to see her, makes her promises about shopping trips etc but none of it comes off. He is quick enough to take OWs kids on days out, pay for McDonalds and bowling but cant be arsed to see his own child.

He used to message her once a week, only a couple of lines, always an excuse, walk the dog, have his tea etc.

It makes me so angry i feel i could use violence against him, it gets me worked up so much. But also makes me feel so sad for DD.

Ex was a pretty shit dad to be fair and never did anything with her or always made her go upstairs to play as he couldnt be arsed, did the bare minimum so in some ways she is better off without him.

How do i let the anger go or the gut wrenching sadness? How long does it take for these feelings pass? I feel so sorry for DD she has done nothing wrong.

DD has now blocked him as she doesnt want to hear from him, her decision not mine.

It took me a very long time to lose the anger, my heart would break for my DCs. DC1 cut out his father a long time ago. I think it was his way of dealing with dad not being interested in him. He doesn't expect anything from him, and in fact gets nothing from him, it was his 21st this week and he didn't even get a text saying happy birthday.

DC2 is more complicated, he has tried to maintain contact with his dad, would accept the excuses for dad not visiting (once in the last four years) and maybe only once a year before that. But a couple of weeks ago he was really upset because XH had bought his step-son a Playstation 5 which DC2 has coveted for years. A lot came out in that rant, how he was angry with his Dad and how he'd treated him over the years.

I was very angry with XH at the beginning of our separation and divorce, just because of the way he did things. My DCs were so lost and upset during that time. But over the years (and it's been 10 years now) I've mellowed. I actually feel sorry for XH, by not maintaining a relationship with our DCs he's lost a lot. I don't know if he realises how much he's lost, but they've grown up to be really great young men who make me very proud.

Also, it's really exhausting being that angry and it doesn't make you feel good. I wish I'd learned to let it go earlier, I think it would have been better for me and my own mental health if I had. We can't change them, all we can do is support our DCs and move on with our lives. Ultimately, a life without a selfish man like that is better than a life still with him.

Thank you @brittanyfairies I try not to let it consume me but sometimes i could really kill him.

Your boys sound great and have the measure of their dad, so does DD.

Bizarrely he would tell anyone who would listen about how i keep her from him and dont let him have her. He has asked 3 times since January, the first 2 times we genuinely had plans, and the 3rd time she didnt want to go so he stopped asking.

I have emailed him several times telling him he needs to make the effort and contact her more and be more involved but of course he is Mr perfect and none of it is his fault, he just emails back with "you did this, you did that" and never makes any promises to contact DD.

She has a whole new life going on and he has no clue about any of it. It is so sad and makes me cry about how he has treated her.

I need to let go of the anger as you have said but it so hard.

Although my DS is significantly younger, I can sympathise with a disappointing ex. Sometimes the anger is all-consuming and I am heartbroken thinking what could have been. I often have to take myself in to the other room to have a quick cry before pulling myself together for my little boy.

I think it’s important to remember that it is perfectly normally to feel this way. Social media often paints anger as a shameful emotion but it is a perfectly normal reaction to a devastating event.

In the grand scheme of things, this is very early days for you. My relationship ended in December, and I am hopeful that in time, this hurt will mellow much like PP describes. This is absolutely his loss. It is clear from your post that you adore your DC and do not want your DD to be hurting. From that, I believe she will thrive on your love alone.

Lastly, if the anger and sadness becomes overwhelming or you’d simply like to discuss your concerns, a chat with your GP or a good therapist can be a blessing. Sending love. x

Following for advice. I hope time will help.

I was a single parent, life was good I was happy. Along comes youngest dad. He takes on dad role to my kids and things are good although I was dont having kids. Then I say it's a shame I've never had a supportive relationship when having a baby I've missed out. So he say well we can have a kid. Lots of discussion and a joint decision to have a baby was reached. As soon as I became pregnant he became a lazy selfish arsehole. We were spilt up before baby even born. And he barely sees he baby who is now over a year old. The anger I feel is beyond anything I can process. Made worse because I spent a year waiting for him to come around and trying to make it work- like my self worth it that bad I want the lazy ares back and all the extra housework he brings?

I just feel I was happy as a single parent. I'd got through the baby phase alone. I'd sorted my house I had work I loved. Now I'm back to the dark days again. Trying not to see my youngest as a burden and a massive mistake. Why did he do this to me? Anger is too mild a word for how I feel

@PurpleBugz that is so sad that he did that to you and i can understand the anger you have against him. The baby stage is really hard and it makes it worse that he talked you into have another baby. Does he have any other children?

@mamagiorgio thank you for your kind words. I know i need to forget about him and just concentrate on DD, but its so hard. I could be doing anything, driving down the road, cleaning the bath, anything and i start to think about him and how he has hurt DD and the anger consumes me. I have blocked him now after another pathetic email from him saying OW is 10 times the woman i am, what does that even mean 😂but DD blocked him too and the feeling of relief is immense. I think its knowing he cant just pop up when he feels like it to mess with DDs head.

Without using an unpleasant word, he sounds like a waste of space. Somebody who bothers to make it known that their new partner is “better” is not truly happy, I can promise you that. Revel in the fact that he will probably always be a bit miserable as a result of the poor decisions he has made and the things he is missing out on. Unfortunately whether he does anything about it is a different matter.

I also struggle to focus on other things. I could be doing anything, the laundry, minding my business and still think, ‘I wonder if I hadn’t said that, if things might have worked out differently.’ Find something that both you and DD can enjoy or look forward to and try to put some of the energy you spend overthinking to the point of rage into that instead. I’ve spent a lot of time decorating LO’s room over the past few months and I absolutely hate DIY. 😂 But it just means, for a moment, I’m not thinking about my ex.

I hope the blocking lasts, but be prepared for DD to block and unblock repeatedly. I think it’s to be expected in any situation where somebody has been hurt but equally wants to give a person the chance to do better. I really hope that time heals for all of our sakes. Take care. x

It’s hard but the anger will I hope dissipate with time. It’s great your DD has interests and I hope she has a good circle of friends. You don’t mention other adults - do you have family near, and good friends yourself? Any aunties/uncles or a godmother/father who’d take her out to the cinema or bowling or shopping? Just to feel you aren’t the only adult she has to lean on. Solo is hard when you are trying to do it all and you need a bit of space for yourself too, I’m sure.

I just accepted that ex was selfish to his core, a lazy, ignorant prat, I couldn't change that, and that ds was better off not having such a useless role model in his life.

Then I put all my energy into being both mum & dad to my ds. I've done all the teaching to swim, teaching to cycle etc. ds is 15 and we still spa together at martial arts, still cycle together sometime (good time to listen if ds has something on his mind).

Ex occasionally puts in an appearance, and boasts about ds' school reports to his friends, but has invested zero time in his son. DS refers to him as 'pretty hopeless' and we leave it at that. There's nothing else to say.