When DC's father acts beyond belief!

[sillysilly]

My DS1's dad left when he was just 2. He is now 8 and he has him every weekend for one night.

He never bothers doing anything with him. He just gives him the computer to sit at all day while he watches telly or sleeps. DS1 is so bored there but he will never admit it because he thinks the sun shines out of his dad's ar*e and I'm not going to shatter his illusion.

Just lately it's got loads worse. He has stopped paying maintenance (not had a penny since last September). Even when I told him I was broke and needed money for school shoes and a school trip, he still never gave me any. He says he is struggling too but he can't be, he travels all around the country and he is always having new gadgets. He is single so he doesn't have anyone else to worry about.

Last couple of weekends have really taken the biscuit. DS1 came home telling me he'd slept on the floor and the sofa in the lounge (strange considering he was staying in a house with 3 spare bedrooms!). His dad said it was because it was cold upstairs....but I really think he just couldn't be bothered to take him to bed! He often comes back without having changed his clothes or brushed his teeth. This weekend he said that he had been in the house for two days solid and his dad had told him to lie to me and say they'd been out! He also hadn't had a proper meal in two days, just snacks like crackers, crisps and ice cream.

It made me cry. I made him the biggest roast dinner ever when he came back.

I am really good to his dad. I let him see him whenever he wants to, involve him in school plays etc, call him whenever he is ill, just to let him know. I never expect anything from him, not emotional support or financial, but things are getting me down now.

What I want from him is a bit of financial support (even if just paying for his shoes etc, not actually giving me the money), and for him to look after him properly when he has him. I even send him with all his clothes and underwear for the next day but they often come back in the bag unworn. When I suggested he kept a set of clothes there he looked at me like I was mad and carried on sending them back with him.

Basically he does nothing for his son, nothing at all.

He is an intelligent man, with good prospects and a clear head.

How can he treat our little son like this? It is neglect and it breaks my heart.

What a tosser. Clearly a deeply, deeply selfish man. Can't think of a brilliant solution but probably calls for a Big Talk where you say that if he can't be bothered to look after his son - dressing him and feeding him, for a start - then he can f*ck right off.

I've tried talking, it doesn't work. I don't want my son to pick up on this either, although he does know I'm not happy because of how many questions I ask him when he comes home.

Six years of this though, and it's just getting worse.

He is lazy, totally and utterly lazy. And I hate my son going there.

As time goes on DS will realise and see his Dad for exactly what he is. you are doing a fantasic job raising him.

My XP is similar to your X so I know how you feel, all I can do is the best for DS1 when he is here and just leanrn to bite my toungue when he goes there.

Is the contact by a court order?

No, we agreed everything ourselves. We had been together a long time, since we were 16, and when we split up it was all very amicable, we both agreed it was over for no reason other that we didn't love each other anymore.

We even did the divorce without solicitors, simply on the grounds of living apart for two years. He let me keep the house.

We agreed then that our son would live with me and see his father whenever he wanted, and he agreed to pay £200 a month maintenance. This then went to £100 when he lost his job and went self-employed, although when he was starting his business up, I didn't ask for a penny for nearly a year as I knew he couldn't afford it. Now he can but still nothing.

You're right WiiMii, it isn't harmful to him when it's one night a week, just deeply saddening to me.

My DS thinks his dad is the best and I don't want to take that away from him.

Ah thanks WiiMii, it's nice to know someone understands.

Sometimes when he brings him back I can hardly talk to him because I am so angry but I do just bite my tongue. Only once in six years have I shouted and that was because he said he was taking him to the other side of the country for Christmas, which I couldn't allow!

Has just helped to have a rant...

How about letting ex read this thread? Print it out. That would let him know son still thinks he is Mr. everything, points out he does nothing but sleep or watch tv and you know it, that you know they don't go out and do anything, that he is not caring for the boy properly at all. He is not cooking a nice breakfast for your boy, tucking him in at night, seeing he gets a bath, nice bedtime routine with brushing teeth, and read him a story. Your letter points out how much of a zero father he is. Also you aren't saying you hate the guy, just disappointed for your son. And it lets him know that son still loves his dad.

It sounds like your ex may be depressed.

I would not print out this thread for him - he might not like knowing you are discussing his poor treatment of his son online.

I don't know what I would do - are there grandparents in the picture who could get involved, maybe?