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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Shaking with rage... Sorry - long rant

15 replies

goingbonkers · 24/02/2008 21:21

Ok so it's kind of my own fault for looking but I decided to see if my ExP was on facebook. Turns out he is.

He hasn't had anything to do with my DD for 2 yrs (She's 3 now) and that's thru his own choice. It was always me calling him and he frequently failed to turn up without letting me know he wasn't coming - like I didn't have better things to do. Well, anyway he doesn't pay child support, denied paternity to CSA, job hopped blah blah blah. You get the picture.. So he moved house and changed his number.

Back to the point - he is on facebook so I nosey at his profile, only to find he's got married and had a baby just before christmas. All the pics of the wedding/honeymoon/baby are on there and I find myself crying my eyes out, before the rage sets in.. Where is the justice? Him playing the doting dad with another daughter 10mins down the road?

I genuinely hope things work out for them but it makes me sick how I supported him through 3 years together. He never held down a job so I paid everything. He stole from me, and covered me with bruises several times. Still, I stuck by him and tried to encourage him to turn his life around. I stood by him when he went to prison for 3 months, he started to open up and talk about his childhood when he witnessed domestic violence against his mother. I counselled him through his darkest days. I was eventually signed off with anxiety and panic attacks after being beaten, bullied and manipulated to the point where I'd lost all my self esteem.

He stopped contact with my DD when he met his (now) wife so I assume he hasn't told her about any of it.

I know the worst thing to do would be to contact him/her as I don't want to cause trouble for an innocent woman/child but I just feel so angry that he's prepared to be there for his new baby when I'm struggling to make ends meet. I am also upset and feeling a bit protective over my DD as I can't understand how he could just walk away from her. His parents also dropped all contact at the same time.

It feels like I went to emotional hell and back only for him to abandon us and turn his life around for another woman.

I just hope he really has changed for the wife and childs sake. I wouldn't wish anyone to go thru what I suffered.

Why am I so upset? I understand the anger side of it but why do I keep crying? I don't want him back - I was pretty glad to see the back of him.

OP posts:

IamTheSpeedingHam · 24/02/2008 21:26

your mourning te lifeyou think you deserved - thats ok and naural.

i have two conflicting thought

my first one is that - if he cant be fucked seeingher then i wouldnt mke him.

the econd is that he should pay for his daughter
but i dont know how you makie him do that

i wold try and be grown up about things and perhaps try and speak tothe wife and explain that you wish them all the hppynes, that he hasnt paid a penny and that her dd has a half sister that at some point in the future the issue is going to come and bite them in th arse

theboob · 24/02/2008 21:27

stuff the other womans fellings he has your dd to support,and if i was his new wife then i would want to know if my new husband had another child somewhere .i think if it was me a would be pretty upset ,he put you through hell and now he is sitting pretty go track down the bastard

theboob · 24/02/2008 21:27

mamalovesmojitos · 24/02/2008 21:27

oh gb. you poor thing. you hope things work out for them? you're a better woman than me. what a pile of shit you've had to deal with. what a complete asshole. no wonder you're so upset. you dont want him back but on his facebook is the life that you once thought you'd have with him. and you're grieving for that now. not for him, but for a happy future for your dd and her two parents. bu i can tell you she is much better off with such a toxic parent in her life. as for his new wife! well you can only pity her. maybe she should know about your dd. she is married to him for flips sake! have you sought any counselling for all you've been through?

theboob · 24/02/2008 21:28

sorry my pc is crap

Original poster

goingbonkers · 24/02/2008 21:46

Had some counselling while I was with him and it helped, but at the time he kept telling me I must be a 'loon' if I need counselling and that I must be a weak person!! I'm not so narrow minded however and told him that it actually takes strength to go get help!!

I just don't know if I've got the energy to start what I know will turn into a war. I can do 'grown up' but he is totally incapable!! Is it worth opening up a can of worms?

As for his marriage - it's hardly her fault but if he's told her anything it will be a pack of lies and a new mummy shouldn't be caught in the middle of a feud. He's quite a convincing liar so she would believe his stories.

I go out about 6 times a year so I'm annoyed that I never get chance to meet anyone. He's such a shitbag.

I just wish the CSA were capable of doing their job. It maked me mad that it's so easy for people to avoid paying CS and nothing gets done about it. My MP got involved a while ago but now I'm back to square 1 again. AAAARGGGGHHHH!

Thanks for replies. xx

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 24/02/2008 21:52

listen it may not start a war. in a few months you could send a delicate and sympathetic letter to the wife. you can say that you just wanted her to know and that you are sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that it's not your fault. and beg, borrow or steal babysitting for a bit more time out for yourself. it's so important. hope you'll be ok.

singledadofthree · 24/02/2008 21:53

hey bonkers - the plot thickens and then some - cant remember what you called him the other week, but you were kind!

i'd at least sleep on it - dont do anything hasty, and if you can talk to anyone who knows all the history, friends, sister, parents etc then do so. they can probably be more objective - is no way you can be right now.

he should really be giving some support to dd, saying that tho i never asked my kids mum for anything - and its exactly what i got.

i'd really sleep on it and discuss it with rl friends.

Original poster

goingbonkers · 24/02/2008 22:13

Hi again SDof3! I slept on it last night and I feel a lot calmer today; I had a good bitch about it with a close girlfriend!

Most people that know the history will tell me to leave well alone. I've pretty much got past all the hurt and anger so I don't want to set myself up for a fall again.

I really don't think it would do DD or me any good as I know I'll never see a penny from him. He owes me about £5K (not just CS but other money he stole etc).

I also feel I can't let it drop. Should I get back in touch with CSA and make another push from them? I have no faith in them but I think it's my only option. It's not even really about the money tho! I'm coping without him, it's more the principle! It's supposedly at the stage where the bailiffs have been, but he'd moved again. The next stage is prison but they don't seem to be able to find him. Surely it can't be that hard!! (They only need to look in the local pub!)

OP posts:

singledadofthree · 24/02/2008 22:21

personally i'd say leave well alone too - tho theres plenty on here thatll disagree. i never asked for anything from my ex as i didnt want to feel that i'd needed her help. i never relied on her when we were together - wasnt going to start after we split.
i know this is different, but there is the principal that youre doing it alone too. also of course that he's getting off without any responsibilty to dd - tho she may be better off without him. i dont know - is a hard one - is all you need.
oh - hi again to you too

Original poster

goingbonkers · 24/02/2008 22:26

Thanks for your advice oh wise one! Might have to resort to the old trick of writing it all down and giving it some time and thought.
If only I wasn't so nosey!!!

OP posts:

singledadofthree · 24/02/2008 23:14

yeah well thats an 'if only' youll never overcome

you can at least sit back and make a descision at your own leisure - theres no pressure to rush into anything.

i just want to go to sleep - up early as ever - have a great week

Tinkerbel6 · 25/02/2008 09:50

I will echo the leave it alone, if you contact the new wife and she does know about you and your child then it could prove your ex right if he has told her that he thinks that you are a loon (which you aren't), push for maintenance if you need it and swallow the rest, keep it under your belt about knowing he is on facebook cause you can use it to lookout for any clues as too where he works if it comes back that he has no income.

Original poster

goingbonkers · 25/02/2008 20:40

Thanks Tinkerbel6. That is what my instinct is saying although it is tempting to send a sarcastic message lol! Think I'm going to try the CSA again as there are a few clues on his profile. Don't know where it will get me but like someone else said - it will come back to bite him on the bum if my DD decides to track him down when she's older!!

Think I need to step back and rise above it. It's just so hard! I've been thinking about it all non stop and I keep getting upset. Silly really I know! It doesn't really affect me and DD as such, I'm just struggling to accept that he's rejected my baby and accepted his new one. That really hurts.

OP posts:

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