Newbie and new to single parent life

[birky]

I'm 23, just split up with my partner of 3 years and we have a daughter aged 1. He's behaving terribly at the moment - nothing new there!

He started being violent towards me in July last year, assaulted me on 2 occasions and was generally very controlling over me and my life. I became very secluded, wasn't allowed to use my phone or see my friends and family on my own. He bullied me, constantly put me down, shouted, swore, threatened. I tried to leave a number of times but he always won in the end.

We split up for a few days here and there a few times and then he moved back to his mums last week. He's hardly made an effort to see his daughter and is refusing to pay maintenance - we agreed not to go through CSA.

He's acting like I've never meant anything to him, has told me he's now got a life and doesn't love me. He's out drinking with his friends all the time. Spoke to his mum earlier and he didn't go home last night and she hasn't seen or spoken to him today. I've tried to get him to see his daughter but he just stops my phonecalls and ignores texts.

Finding being a single parent quite daunting, thankfully my mum is being really supportive and helping me out with housework etc.

hi birky,

stick with us in mumsnetland here...we will give him what for!!!

no really, make sure you talk to someone, even if it is just us, it can seem like everything is awful when you are on your own, but a bit of a moan and a cup of tea can help.

What i did when my twit of an ex left was quite mercenary, but it worked. I packed his stuff, changed the locks, phoned round all his friends and family and told them about it then dumped his stuff on his brother in laws drive way, blocking thier work vans!!!

( admittedly i did also give his two cats to the rspca but it was a very hard time for me!)

after that he had to grovel to get his post or get hold of me as i ignored his texts and calls for about 6 weeks...ive just realised how awful that sounds, oh well!!

good luck and keep laughing at him, it makes you feel soooo much better!-the same goes for any single dads by the way!

hey,
I'm really sorry to hear your situation. It is hard been new to single parenting im a 22 yr old single mum to a 15 month old. My ex shyed away from his resposibilities as a dad when we were together left without a word for 2 weeks without a thought to our son. My point being even though you half expect to be a single mum nothing actually prepares you for it. You have one of the main things you need right now your mum being supportive, its hard without a support network but even haarder without one, ive been there too. My ex did the whole i never ment anything to him, it was all for the baby including making me move 65miles away from my family etc etc, not sure if this is a defence mechanism
He might not be seeing your dd at the moment as he doesnt want to see you so can avoid any confrentation.
Have you applied for income support? As a single mum you are entitled to it and as part of it they will pass yur details onto the CSA. As he is refusing to pay maintenance it sounds like he may have agreed not to go through the CSA so he can get away without paying. Dont let him!!! he has a legal responsibilty to contribute to your childs upbringing.
Make sure you apply for all benefits you are entitled to it really does help and inform Child tax credits as the circumstance have changed and may effect your payments. I really hope this helps even if its just alittle bit, take comfort in knowing your not alone. Be on for a while longer if you want a chat.
shell x

He's taken me for a ride for the last time. I rent my house and the tenancy went into my name only after he kicked the door in and tried to strangle me.... I've given him his clothes but that's it. Most of the stuff in the house is mine anyway but he's got tropical fish, the tv n some other stuff. He went straight ahead to a solicitor about access and his belongings so I've got a solicitor. He keeps nagging for his stuff but now it's the solicitors who say when. I've tried to make arrangements for him to see our little girl but he thinks he can just turn up or give me an hours notice so I've told my solicitor I'm refusing access. He had her one day when I was at work and turned his phone off leaving me frantic all day, his family have been harassing and threatening me and his temper in general has all led to me having concerns about her welfare. She's only 1 and has had to listen to him shouting and swearing at me for months.

He's changed so much in these past few weeks. He can't admit to what he's done to me, i ended up on antidepressants because of his behaviour and I'm really struggling to trust people. I have hardly any self confidence anymore and yet am absolutely heartbroken

i would text him n tell him 2 pick his stuff up on x between z and y time (or a friend family member that wouldnt give you hassle). well go through the solicitors i know you can give him an mount of time to pick it up and then get rid of it but check with you solicitor. Your daughter should have a routine even at 1 it makes it much easier for all concerned if you know when she is seeing her dad. She definately doesnt deserve to hear her mum being verbally abused, will turn her away from her dad i would have thought. Dont worry about him admitting what hes done, chances are he wont or IF he does it will be quite a while away. Look after yourself do whats best for you and your daughter.

hi birky (((((((((())))))))))))
i too am a single parent, aged 33, of four and half months standing. some of the things that i never thought xp would do, he has. i have tried to get on with him for dd's sake but obv this will only happen at his convenience. the best thign i have found is that when i am positive, dd is a lot happier but i am also honest with her about how i feel and maybe sometimes i shouldn't but at least i am not lying to her, liek xp suggests i should. so, i guess in a roundabout way i am saying that don't worry about him admitting to anythign, as chances are (like shelllylou has said) it will be quite a while, if ever. try not to say silly things on the phone like i have done, cos you can bet if the sol says for him to copy it down , then the chances are that he will try and lead the conversation to thins that he knows will ge tyour temper going. (i am prone to this at most times but am learning to bite my tongue nowsee here ) i have been accused of being a slut, having casual sex with someone who may not be single so my stupid retort was "was that what you did when you went behind my back with your xw then?" funny but i shouldn't have said it.

keep talking to mn we wil be here for you xxx

I think we must have the same exP!! My story is on 'shaking with rage' thread but it's fairly similar. It appalls me that there are so many people (dads and mums) that behave like this and treat their kids in such a way.

It's great that you have your mum to help you. Your DD should not have to watch and hear the abuse you have suffered (I too was held by the throat, having had my clothes ripped off me and been spat at in the face because I spoke to a male friend in the pub - fortunately the woman in the flat below came up and he stopped). I have survived it and so have you. NO-ONE deserves to be abused.

Please talk to people on here that have experienced some of the things you have - day by day you will find more strength and courage and your confidence will shine again. Every time you feel upset or scared, look at your DD and smile. She is your future and you are hers.

My DD turned my life around and I'm so proud to be her mummy. She made me fight for my dignity and fight to give her the best future I can. She is happy and healthy and my best friend - and I've achieved that by myself. (Big headed i know ) But you will go on to do the same.

If he's refusing to answer calls/texts perhaps give it a week or two. Use that time to focus on yourself. Get a friend/your mum round in the evenings as it can be lonely at first. I really value my own space now and quite enjoy watching what I want on TV!!!

Make a note of times you have tried to contact him and the result of each attempt. It's important (but very difficult) to keep any conversations calm and civil but take a deep breath, keep to the point and if he becomes abusive, tell him as politely as you can manage that you will hang up if he continues to talk to you like that. I did that several times and although it's frustrating, it's satisfying to know that you are the bigger person. Keep yours and your DD's best interests at the front of your mind and don't let him persuade you into doing something that goes against it.

Keep talking to us- I have no doubt you'll be fine. Keep strong - I'll be thinking of you.
xxx

He's such a pig. I reluctantly let him have DD yesterday at his mums as I had some things I needed to sort out for my new house. He didn't contact me once to let me know she was ok and when I went to pick her up, he started shouting at me in front of her telling me to do everyone a favour and move as far away as possible. Sent me a very out of the blue text today saying 'i dont want to be with you'. Idiot.

Ive been lucky in finding a new house to rent so quickly, don't want to stay here anymore as theres too many bad memories especially of him pinning me down by the throat in the bedroom. I've managed to get all his stuff in binbags down the cellar out of the way til my solicitor arranges for it all to be collected.

I look at him - living with him mum n stepdad, bought a rusty old car n only has a temp agency job and look at myself with my new house, my shiny new car, full time permanent job, DD in a lovely nursery 3 days a week and I'm proud of myself for what I can achieve on my own. Its just when I think of him or something reminds me of him that I get down

New house new start. Dont worry bout him saying the father the better,. Move to where is best for you and dd. Dont give him a thought in your future. As hard as it is dont expect him to let you know how your dd is, even if you havew asked him to. If he starts being abusinve at handover shile sweetly and walk calmly away. It gives you the control! Be proud of what you can achieve for yourself and yur daughter!!!!!

am thinking of you today birky, congrats on new house. xp being pain here too, took dd to view new house when i expressly asked him not to. good luck in your new life sweetheart(((((((((((((((((((((((birky)))))))))))))))))))