Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

is my 5 year old too young to decide where to live???

21 replies

LoneLou · 22/02/2008 13:57

Since my X walked out 6 weeks ago my ds has been living with me in the family home. He seems happy enough, don't know whats going on inside his head. X is living with other woman who happens to have a ds of similar age, my ds being only child loves this but cracks are starting to appear fighting for attention etc. X visited me today and said ds has told him he wants to live with him, I don't want to ask ds coz I don't want to put him in the position of feeling like he has to choose, but I need to know if X is having a dig at me or not. I did agree that when ds is old enough to decide and he decides he wants to live with X then I will agree, hard as it will be.
Advice needed.

OP posts:

dippydeedoo · 22/02/2008 14:09

no a 5 yr old isnt old enough to decide imo and his thoughts of what he likes and dislikes will change daily.....if i were you id get custody officially-poor you tho your x certainly knows where to hurt you ((u))

Alambil · 22/02/2008 14:39

If it were to go to court, they wouldn't take the child's view in to account until about 7 or 8 yrs old (I speak from my own experience - I guess different courts may be a bit different.)

I think your ex is just being a pig really - why would you put your DS through that? Hasn't he had enough? Poor DS probably meant he wanted you all back together - that is IF he even said it AT ALL!

(((( ))) Have a hug - it is truly a horrid time

Have you spoken to your DS about it - the separation I mean? There are some books on Amazon about having 2 homes/families... may help?

snotbuster · 22/02/2008 14:41

X is having a dig. 5 yr olds are not able to make decisions like this and will probably say that he wants to live with both of you anyway.
I feel really cross reading that X has said this to you - is there no end to his bad behaviour?! Honestly - as if he hasn't put you through enough already...

Original poster

LoneLou · 22/02/2008 14:54

Thanks everyone, it does help knowing the facts and that I'm not the only going through all this s*.
I do speak to ds and try to explain things and basically tell him that if he ever needs to talk that I'm here for him.

OP posts:

evelynrose · 22/02/2008 18:28

The official age for courts taking the child's view into account is 9 and they can make up their own mind by age 12. Therefore I guess this is saying that, with the wealth of court experience and case law, that until children are 9 they are not really capable of giving a realistic account of where they want to live despite views they may have expressed at a younger age.

jellibabe · 22/02/2008 23:37

Think 5 is to young to make a decision like that. Follow your own instincts. Children from separated families often try to please both parents. Innocent comments that they make can easily be misinterpreted.

purpleduck · 23/02/2008 00:01

dh decided when he was 14 to stay with his dad, and he still feels guilty (it was the obvious decision tho)

Don't have any personal experience, but I would say 5 is tooooo young.

BTW, he probably DOES want to live there when he is there, he is with his father after all. Doesn't mean he would want to be away from YOU though.

Good Luck, sounds like a crap situation

nappyaddict · 23/02/2008 00:04

i would say that 5 and even 6 would be too young.

Scramble · 23/02/2008 00:05

I wouldn't let my 8 yr old choose she would stay with whoever bought her the most chocolate cereal and sparkly tops.

gillybean2 · 23/02/2008 08:34

Your son is far too young to be able to understand the implications of what he says. Make it clear to your son that both you and his dad love him very much. That he doesn't ever have to choose and that he has two homes and he can live at both, sometimes with you, and sometimes with his dad.

There is no set age at which a court will take a child's view's into account. The child has to be judged to be "Gilleck competent". Do an internet search on that phrase to find out more, but here has some of the basic info to put your mind at rest:

www.zoescaljon.com/05/2007/19/the-children-act-1989.html

Try not to be upset by your sons word. They hurt a lot, but he actually has no idea of what he says or what it would mean to live with his dad. If he keeps saying it then make sure you simply tell him how much you miss him when he's not there, just like his dad misses him, and that you love him just like his dad loves him. Also consider letting him spend a bit more time with his dad, possibly after school. He will soon see that in fact it's not all rosy and fun times when he's with his Dad.

Keep strong
Gilly

jellibabe · 23/02/2008 13:03

I just wanted to add that I think your x is a shit. Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it. Bloody cheek.

Aimsmum · 23/02/2008 13:11

Message withdrawn

ElenorRigby · 23/02/2008 15:15

My DP's DD had a very clear view at 4 that she wanted to spend a long time with mummy and a long time with daddy. Her routine was one week with mum and one week with dad.

When DP's ex unilaterally changed the schedule to alternate weekends and a midweek tea time DP's DD was distraught and inconsolable. It was horrendous having to take her back to her mums when she was begging her dad that she wanted to stay with dad and spend a long time with mummy and a long time daddy ie the routine she was used to. DP's ex went to court to get the schedule she wanted and get sole residency. She failed DP got shared residency and 4/14 nights with his daughter and 1/2 holidays.

DP's DD still remembers her old routine and was in tears at the end of the half term when she was going back to mums. She still wants to spend longer time with her dad. Kids love both parents whether they are together or separated

colditz · 23/02/2008 15:25

Far too young. Keep the arrangement as it is.

Goodness, when I was 5, I still believed in santa, would you want someone like that making the decisions about your son's life? Cos that's what you'll be doing if you make him choose who to live with - you'll be putting someone in charge of his life who can barely differentiate fantasy from reality - himself!

When ex and I split up, ds1 ranted on for ages about how he wanted daddy to come back, and how daddy could sleep in his bed, and how he was going to live with daddy, and how daddy lets him do X, Y and Z. Bluntly, it's tough. I do what I think is best for my child, and while I take his wishes into account, I don't let him push me to a decision I feel isn't right.

I hope you feel better soon, it must still be very raw.

Miggsie · 23/02/2008 15:31

Legally the mother has the parental responsibility until age 16 so unless you agree outright he can live with ex he legally is your responsibility no matter where he lives. A court would award you main custody...
also if he did live with dad when would he start asking for mum, very soon after moving in I think!?
Kids that age have no concept of the future or even "a long time" so I think if he lived with dad he would miss mum and vice versa.
Think ex is being horrid...legally he has no rights over the child unless he goes to court and even then he would not get awarded full custody

LittleBella · 23/02/2008 15:35

Yes 5 is far too young to make any decisions. Would you let hiim decide what school he goes to?

Your ex is just winding you up, don't let him.

nappyaddict · 23/02/2008 18:13

were you married? if you were then he will have parental resonsibility too.

nutcracker · 23/02/2008 18:19

He is too young for his opinion to be taken into account at court and also IMO he is too young to decide anyway.

I had to decide at 11/12 and it was such a huge thing to have to do, especially as I went against the norm. A 5 yr old shouldn't have to make a desicion like that, it is up to the parents to reach an agreement.

Surfermum · 23/02/2008 20:21

Crikey, way too young to decide. He may well feel he wants to live with his dad, but equally wants to live with you. It's not necessarily a choosing one parent over the other scenario, but more a little boy who wants to be with his dad but also wants to be with his mum. My step-daughter often used to say she wished she could cut herself in half and then she could be in both places . It's a horrible, but inevitable, thing for a child to be dealing with in a break-up.

And, sorry but you aren't right Miggsie, a father can have parental responsibility as well as the mother. I'm really struggling getting my head around the concept that dads have "no rights", only mums do. Of course he has rights and responsibilities - he's the child's other parent! And although residency is more often than not granted to the mother, it isn't a foregone conclusion.

mummyfantastico · 24/02/2008 06:45

Even if your ds did tell your x he wanted to live with him it was probably because x asked him and ds didn't feel he could say no.
My dds both want to see daddy, don't want to see his gf, but they won't tell him that, and if I speak up on their behalf he thinks I'm being selfish and the dds won't tell him I'm right because they are worried about his reaction (he left them and could barely be bothered to see them til seeing them didn't take him away from gf iyswim)
They know that I'm not going anywhere
Either that or ds thought living with daddy meant living with both of you.

Original poster

LoneLou · 27/02/2008 11:25

I have spoken to ds about that, not asked him outright. he told me he wanted to live with both of us and is happy living with me. I would never make him choose that would be awful for him I know he loves us both. To be honest I don't think X would be able to cope full time with ds, he's too used to his weekend P* ups.
Ds also tells me he doesn't want to do things ie X taking ds swimming, ds didn't want to go but told me he was too scared to tell daddy and when I tell X he thinks I'm interfering, I'm just looking out for ds.
This is so hard, I just want ds to be happy.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread