Should I keep trying?

[anonymousmummy]

I'm a regular mner but have name changed for this.

XDP and I split during my pregnancy. We have no contact at all now. I have sent information about our DD, suggested ways they could have contact (it'd have to be supervised), tried everything I can think of to bring him safely into DD's life. My family think I'm mad and that DD is better off without him (and at times I agree), but I feel such a tremendous responsibility to give her every chance at having both her parents.

I'm getting a bit sick of having to try and cajole him into being reasonable, and bending to his whims. I don't really know what to do and I'm running out of ideas. I feel strongly that DD has a right to know both her parents and maker her own decisions - but I've no idea how to make that happen safely.

Am I getting something wrong here that I can't see?

you may be flogging a dead horse.

Sounds like youve done all you can. you can bring a horse to water but you cant make him drink, as they say..

(sorry for all the horse analogies)

What about his own mother? Maybe even if her dad isn't interested, her Grandmother might be? Send her a picture, direct to her, with a sweet note about your daughter (if she's a reasonable woman!)

I think that might get me shot Colditz.

I just don't know what to do. I feel really bloody awful that DD will not know her father but likewise I'm not sure that having a Dad who has to be cajoled into doing anything is going to be a plus for her anyway.

this sad scenario is repeated right thru the threads on lone parents.

You can only do your best , for as long as you see fit.

Its 3 yrs now here, that i have been trying to talk sense into my ex, but I have given up.

ikwym, you want to patch it all up and make the best out of a bad sitch, by giving the dc's a chance or at least a right to see theother parent.

If theotherparent isn't bothered, you really cannot do anything. Accepting this is the crux, and dealing with the hurt of this is hard.
Yet, your dd might well be better off for now, not seeing soemone who is so reticent and uncaring.

Maybe their time will come, I just think as life changes, then maybe contact will resume again??

We just have to be there 100% in the meantime.

Thanks piratecat.

It does bloody hurt. I look at DD and (sounds soppy and daft I know) just can't understand why anyone, let alone her father, wouldn't get themselves together to do right by her.

It is a dreadful situation, but the worst of it I don't even believe this is what he wants either. He wanted things to be very different (long story) and doesn't cope well when life isn't on his terms.

I wish he would/could see past our problems and just get on with it. I don't think he'll ever agree to supervised contact though - and he'd never be given anything else.

I was in the same situation and didn't hear anything from the father for over a year(until my ds was 5months and i had taken his dad to the csa)..its not soppy at all..i looked at my son in his cot at night and would feel such rage and anger at the fact he didn't even want to see what he looked like. now he sees him once a week for an hour supervised. The thing is, i have a new partner now and he is so good with my son, he loves him like he's his own . He, to all intents and purposes,is more like a father than this man will ever be and sees him more often. Its a hard pill to swallow but some people deserve the title of daddy(even if they're not biological). also, on a different note it does put a huge amount of pressure on yourself having someone who is so difficult in your life, let alone the wee ones. sorry i've rambled on here...just my thoughts from my experience..i agree with piratecat..you've done all you can..

Thanks Clarabumps. You're right it does put pressure on me. If it was just me I'd have nothing more to do with him. He's abusive and hopelessly unstable. Personally I just don't want the stress and grief that comes from having him in our lives - but he's DD's father and I feel I have to try for her sake. Even if she decides later on not to bother then at least she's known him and he's had a chance. At the moment he just seems focussed on being nasty and causing upset - he doesn't seem interested in her at all. It's just all so sad - my heart breaks for DD.

With my first husband, he didn't want to see the children too much because he didn't want to see me. Although he wasn't committed to the marriage he was pissed off and hurt when I ended it, and he didn't like to see me with my new partner cos it hurt him. Could it be something like that, do you think?

Sadly not littlewoman. Contact would be independently supervised. He wouldn't see me at all.

I could have written every single word that you have written (and I have somewhere in the past threads).

Dd is nearly 3 and, to all intents and purposes, has never seen her father.

By strange coincidence, I spoke to him for the first time in nearly 2 years today. We have had a little email contact inbetween. I have raging PMT today (sorry TMI). I've only just realised and it must have been that that made me impulsive enough to call him.

I sent an email a month ago explaining that she was asking about and for him - got no reply. We had a reasonable conversation today (or it would appear so, on the surface, if I didn't have a wealth of experience of being disappointed and deceived in the past) and he is saying he is still thinking about having contact. He'll let me know in a few weeks (read months or never).

He has had three years to think about it. He talks about whether it might do more harm than good (he doesn't want her to get hurt by his unreliability?). What he really means is that he can't be arsed. Yes, he is thinking about it but I won't hold my breath.

Like you, I feel compelled to do whatever I can to facilitate contact between them. It would also make me feel a hell of a lot better if we could put the past behind us. (I hate feeling that I've brought a child into the world whose father doesn't care. I feel responsible.)

But, as others have said, even if you bend over backwards, prostrate yourself on the ground and beg and....???!?!??!!?...you can't make it happen. It is not our responsibility or choice, it is the fathers'.

I just have to try from time to time because, otherwise, it preys on my mind. For my own peace of mind, I have to remove any possibility of my looking back at this time and wondering whether..if....I had...then....????? That's all I can do.

Commiserations.

Thank you so much Skyatnight. Do your family understand why you keep trying? Mine really don't, they are still very supportive, but can't see why I don't just leave well alone.

My DD is still tiny so no questions or such like here yet. These are precious days though - and there's a many a night I feel like he should be a part of them somehow.

I wrote him an e-mail a few days ago with all the information he said he'd been so desperate for. As yet - no reply. Again - he gets what he wants and DD gets nothing.

and tonight.

I don't often talk to my family about it any more. And it is not as if there is much to talk about. We spoke about it over Christmas as dd was asking about him. Some of my family still try to be objective about it in the hope that he will eventually see her. Others get cross and/or don't want to hear about it.

I feel the same way as you about what he is missing out on and not understanding what is so hard about putting the past behind us and making the best of what we have. My ex is a strange man so I doubt I will ever understand him. I often think that dd is better off without him but he is her father and nothing will change that.

About 10 months after she was born, he asked for monthly email updates about her. I obliged for several months. He stopped replying and then sent me a nasty email telling me to stop contacting him because it was upsetting his gf?! (WTF? Presumably, he had finally told her that he had a child? She had seen red and he was blaming me for it?) I had been very careful not to give him any information about myself (don't want him knowing my business). I just kept it strictly about dd's development. Quite formal. As you say, it was a case of he gets what he wants and DD gets nothing.

It is very hard when she asks about him. She sometimes calls out about him in her sleep, crying, so there's definitely something bad going on in her subconscious. This is heartbreaking but it isn't him that she is longing for, just the idea of a proper Daddy.

I no longer get my hopes up. I think it helps if you can accept that it is probably never going to happen, and, even if it did, it probably wouldn't be much of a success anyway.

It's been 8 years since my ds has seen his father. Have written to him occasionally and sent pictures, but never any reply. I've never had a penny from him (and never asked). Ds asks about him sometimes and I tell him that things just didn't work out between us and his dad loves him - although he is getting to an age where that's going to become hard to swallow without any effort from his dad.

You are doing the right thing trying - this makes you a good mum, willing to put your child's rights and feelings before your own - but the time does come when he must make an effort too. My ex never did. One day he will have to explain himself - I can console myself with the fact that I tried.

Ds's stepdad is his dad now. We're about to start adoption proceedings.

Thanks for the replies.

I've still heard nothing in response to the e-mail. I was hoping that it was perhaps because he was away, or busy, or his computer had broken, or anything - but I've woken up this morning to see work e-mails from him, and still no reply.

Nothing in our case has been to court yet (I don't know if it will either), and I have sole PR. When DD was born he was furiously insistent - he wanted PR, he wanted this, that and the other and he wanted it now. These days though he's stopped everything. I don't know if he just enjoys dangling it over me - that he could waltz back at any point and ask for joint PR etc. Or if he just genuinely doesn't care. I don't know which is worse.

sorry, just quickley.

I don't think he can just demand PR back?

How did you end up with full PR? Is he on the birth certificate? I thought if he was he had PR anyway, or in this case if he is on the birth cert and you weren't married, did it get awarded to you?

I know you are hurt for you dd's sake,and for your own but keep going, make a life for you and her. I am a fine one to talk, but it gets easier to remove yourself from 'them' and their crap behaviour WITH time.

You will get setbacks, and despair, but life will keep moving forwards.
I sent quite afew fair letters to my ex, regarding contact. I said, 'look this is only going to fall back on you and she will not want to know you if you aren't doing this properly'.very sadly this is what the sitch is now,

If you are having to do all this by yourself, and he isn't bothered,just tell yourself 'I have done enough' its his turn to step up now.