Navigating Teens not wanting to see Narcissistic Ex

[whycantitbecalm]

Possibly the hardest part of divorce is this!!

So we have 3 teenage sons, who have spent their whole lives watching the way my ex treats me, and then being badly treated by him themselves. The eldest in particular on the receiving end of a lot of aggression and awful conversations.

Yet my ex is "heartbroken" that they don't want to see him every week! when he made zero effort to spend time with them when he lived here.

I have made it very clear to them without mad mouthing him that whether they see him is their decision. They're old enough now to know how they feel around him, and whether they want to spend that time. I will support them either way. They spent the first 6 weeks of separation seeing him weekly and quickly decided that they didn't want that to be as regular.

My ex is playing the victim in all this, despite being the one to treat us badly. But I have "friends" who say "I should be encouraging them to see him, he is their dad"

I don't even have a question, I was just hoping for someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by not making them go

[Isheabastard]

It’s difficult enough getting some teenagers out of bed or pick up their clothes off the floor. So getting them to see their prat of a dad when they don’t want to isn’t worth the effort involved. You probably couldn’t make them if you tried.

They are old enough to make up their own minds, and it’s not worth damaging the good relationship you have with them by making them see their father.

If it was me I’d be petty enough to think this was well deserved karma.

[forrestgreen]

I had an adult ch who ended up not speaking to idiot dad for quite some time.
I told them that was their choice but I kept talking to them about it. They've found their own path that seems good now

[MackenCheese]

My teens also want to see as little of their dad as they can get away with. They are processing quite a bit of emotional abuse when he lived here, so why would I force them to see him when they feel unsafe? I also do my best not to bad-mouth him, and 2 years on they will have the odd car lift or a few hours with him when i cant be around. He started off coming weekly but they were always so depressed afterwards, so weve cut it down to the bare minimum. It looks bad from the outside but I'm doing what's best for them right now. OP , you are thinking along the right lines.

[RandomMess]

You are doing the right thing supporting your DC not wanting to spend time with a Narcissist regardless of what relationship they have to them.

[whycantitbecalm]

{mention:Isheabastard}@forrestgreen @MackenCheese @RandomMess thank you all so much. Its really hard for people in real life to understand, i really appreciate you all today

[BlackeyedSusan]

People in real life don't see the day to day reality of him.

[Crunchingleaf]

Others don’t get what it’s like for a child growing up with a self centred sorry excuse of a parent.

There was a time a man could skip off into the sunset without seeing their kids and there was no judgment towards them. Nowadays that is viewed very negatively and men like this can’t possibly have others think negatively towards them so either cry sob stories to anyone that listens or else decide they want either 50:50 or full custody. This is just a continuation of previous terrible behaviour towards you. It just takes a different form now.

[whycantitbecalm]

@Crunchingleaf so very true, he is definitely playing the victim at the moment and making me out to be the unreasonable one whenever he gets the chance