Missing kids when they're at their dads

Jessicarosex94x · 2023-05-21T19:33:08+00:00

does it ever get easier? It's been 4 years and I still miss DS every weekend when he's at his dads I normally work but I've had the weekend off and I've stayed incredibly busy with the gym, seeing friends and errands it just gets to the evening and It's all so quiet. I'm glad he goes to dads and wouldn't want him not to for DS's sake and it must be a lot harder for dad going all week without him. But I just hate feeling like a part time parent when he's not here and despite distracting myself the sadness constantly creeps in. Doesn't help that a few married couples with kids I know make the comment a lot of 'gosh I couldn't not see my child every day' and then it makes me feel almost guilty.

ErinAoife · 21/05/2023 20:44

I don't think it get easier with time. Over 5 years divorced and I don't know what to do when the kids are at their dad. They were with him this weekend and i spent all weekend in bed watching TV. I have no motivation whatsoever.

Popetthetreehugger · 21/05/2023 20:57

Those ‘ friends’ are smug , insensitive prat’s . I used to work , so it wasn’t the weekend if you see what I mean ? Maybe focus on your child free friends when you’re flying solo ? Afternoon cinema, something arty ? Batch cook for week ahead ? For me it eased when I found purposeful things to do that I loved and kids would have been bored senseless by . As you move on with your life , it will change , just as when they get older and are out and about more independently you spend less time together . Good luck , your child is very lucky to have such a connected mum .

midnightblue12 · 21/05/2023 22:28

I totally hear you OP.
I don't think I'll ever recover from the heartache of my boys not being home everyday.
It's so difficult because there's no happy balence. Time with them is so hectic and busy and over whelming that sometimes I can't even enjoy it and I'm exhausted. Then when they're away I miss them so much it hurts.
I hope that it'll get easier, but 3.5 years in I feel it almost gets worse :(

CadburyDream · 22/05/2023 00:03

Does he go every weekend? Surely you should get some weekends? Sorry if I misunderstood. I have the opposite and in 6 years my ex has never had our children over night not once, would love a chance to “miss” them 🫣

Original poster

Jessicarosex94x · 22/05/2023 08:13

No he goes every weekend because I work weekends and dad doesn't unless I have something on with him like a trip or occasion but I try wait till the holidays because if I did have him for a weekend it means he'd not be seeing his dad for almost 2 weeks the only good thing is school holidays I feel like I get to make up for all those weekends. I just think as he's getting older I'm missing him more when he goes. And I'm already bracing myself for Christmas I know the right thing to do is share Christmas Day but not having DS for all Christmas once again breaks my heart every year. Sorry to hear about your ex and yeah it can be a positive thing sometimes because having a break really does sort of reset you ready for them to come home.

OP posts:

Cantstaystuckforever · 22/05/2023 08:20

No wonder you miss him when it's every weekend. It's not great for your ds or for you not to get any of the down time stuff together.

Could you change jobs, then switch to every second weekend? Working every weekend when your child at school is a really non optimal pattern.

Ringmaster27 · 22/05/2023 08:23

Yeah 🥺
I try to work as much as I can just to pass the time. When I’m not working, I try to have plans with friends filling the time. But sometimes that doesn’t work out and I feel lost at home without the DCs. It’s too quiet. I count down the minutes to them coming home!

midnightblue12 · 22/05/2023 09:43

Jessicarosex94x · 22/05/2023 08:13

No he goes every weekend because I work weekends and dad doesn't unless I have something on with him like a trip or occasion but I try wait till the holidays because if I did have him for a weekend it means he'd not be seeing his dad for almost 2 weeks the only good thing is school holidays I feel like I get to make up for all those weekends. I just think as he's getting older I'm missing him more when he goes. And I'm already bracing myself for Christmas I know the right thing to do is share Christmas Day but not having DS for all Christmas once again breaks my heart every year. Sorry to hear about your ex and yeah it can be a positive thing sometimes because having a break really does sort of reset you ready for them to come home.

The Christmas thing is such a hard pill to swallow.
Try and change your mindset and just remember that Christmas can be a long day. Splitting the day will give you chance to prepare and not feel completely worn out by then end.
I know we'd rather have them with us then that, of course I would a million times over! But you just have to force yourself to find any positives!

Original poster

Jessicarosex94x · 22/05/2023 10:41

Well I do feel this and more so now DS is old enough to appreciate a day out but I'm not really sure how I'd go about it because I don't think dad would be happy if we changed things around so he didn't see DS every weekend then would it mean he goes throughout the week? then I'd feel bad messing his school routine/week up it makes me sad and I'd love more weekends but part of me thinks is it worth disrupting things

OP posts:

redandyellowbits · 22/05/2023 10:49

I feel the same, I miss mine terribly. Oddly, I miss them less if they are away for e.g. a school trip, but I can't contact them when they are with (abusive) exH which makes it worse. It's been 8 years for me now.

I do find that as they are getting older (oldest is 15 now), I try to get away for lunch with friends etc at the weekend even when they are at home, so my normal weekends don't revolve around the dc. I spend 99% of the weekend time with them but do try to carve out something, so when they are away then that little sense of my routine still remains in place.

It is not easy though, and I also think your married friends are smug. Mine don't say things like that, and welcome me over for a cup of tea on the weekends when I might be feeling a little bit lost.

Cantstaystuckforever · 22/05/2023 23:55

You change your work and then you and his dad have to sort out weekends between you, just like most separated parents. If he did every Wednesday and every other weekend, you'd see far more of your child, and he'd have the same number of nights and also be part of the school week (and responsible for some of the jobs involved too, as well as childcare when working / holidays).

It's no good for your son not to ever see his mum on the weekend, and no good for you either. Your ex doesn't actually get a say in your job, so long as you're being reasonable, which a regular working week clearly would be.

crackofdoom · 23/05/2023 00:04

Blimey. I do wonder if I'm an unfeeling bitch sometimes, but every other weekend without my kids is what I live for. Nobody requiring me to do things for them, no endless lists of tasks and admin...I'm constantly hovering on the edge of burnout, and when they're away it just....stops.

This weekend I went and stayed in my van on a campsite, swam in rivers, walked 15 miles yesterday. Came back and picked the 13 year old up, got snarled at for asking him how his weekend was. Straight back home and into making dinner. You bet I don't yearn for the precious moppets when they're at my ex's

Cantstaystuckforever · 23/05/2023 00:15

crackofdoom · 23/05/2023 00:04

Blimey. I do wonder if I'm an unfeeling bitch sometimes, but every other weekend without my kids is what I live for. Nobody requiring me to do things for them, no endless lists of tasks and admin...I'm constantly hovering on the edge of burnout, and when they're away it just....stops.

This weekend I went and stayed in my van on a campsite, swam in rivers, walked 15 miles yesterday. Came back and picked the 13 year old up, got snarled at for asking him how his weekend was. Straight back home and into making dinner. You bet I don't yearn for the precious moppets when they're at my ex's

It's not every other weekend. Her DS is away every weekend. That's a lot, especially with a child who she says is just old enough to enjoy an outing.

Zippedydoo123 · 24/05/2023 09:33

It depends how good you are in your own company I think.

Ilikepinacoladass · 25/05/2023 07:45

You work on the weekends, so do you get days off in the week? (Assuming child will be at school then though) When are you getting a whole day with your child it sounds like hardly ever? That isn't fair at all.

How is it any different from when people go to work and child is with childminder really?

Surely the evenings are quiet usually anyway after child has gone to bed?

Try and get a job where you get weekends off, and then dads shouldn't be having every weekend. It sounds like you're tiptoeing around that the dad wants and scared to change things.

I think you'd then start to appreciate the time off (childfree) when you do get it.