Father hasn’t met DS

[mamagiorgio]

Hi. Long-time reader, first time poster.

My LO is now two months old, but his father has not met him. Our 6 year relationship was complicated and although trying for a baby, he left when we found out I was pregnant and he realised that it would not suit his life and other commitments. This was a shock and completely devastating. He said hurtful things and we had no contact for months. Although I allowed him to return on occasion as he was very apologetic and receiving help in therapy, he was ultimately unreliable and I have been alone the majority of my pregnancy.

We have had some contact since the arrival of DS. I have applied for child maintenance but I hold a lot of resentment and I am not sure if I would like him to be involved after what he has put me through. Not only was my pregnancy stressful but I had a traumatic birth and a prolonged hospital stay, yet he wasn’t there. However, I am devastated that my wonderful boy doesn’t have an attentive father in his life and worry about his future. As far as I am concerned, the more love and support he has as he grows up, the better. I worry about being a single mum to a child who suffers when he begins to question why his daddy isn’t around, but I equally worry that his father would not be consistent anyway.

He has recently offered to make contact arrangements that we “are both comfortable with”. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he absolutely dotes on which makes our situation even more difficult to understand. I know that ultimately I would have to give him a chance to be a good father but I am absolutely terrified he would be given an opportunity and let us down. My thoughts are that it may be better to do it sooner, while LO is too young to understand what is happening, but equally it all feels very raw to me.

Without sharing much more detail, I wondered if anybody had been through something similar? Success stories? If their partner had initially rejected the idea of their child but wished to be involved at a later stage and it managed to work out, even if parents remained separated?

The worry is making me sick. I am really struggling with the idea of raising DS both with or without him. Any experience would be appreciated. x

I think sadly your situation is very common. Some men like the idea of being dads - but want to fast forward straight to the Instagram pics of them strolling through the autumn leaves with their mini-me perched atop their shoulders. They don't actually want the reality of night feeds, sleep deprivation, cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids with little to no disposable cash, and limits on their free time.

I have never stopped my children's dad from seeing them, but got to a point where he was getting quite flaky, cancelling plans with very short notice, by text (not even the decency to call and reschedule). I stopped telling the children that he was coming because I would inevitably have to deal with the tears when he changed his mind.

I no longer suggest any dates or anything to meet up and generally it can go 3, 4, 5 months without contact, but he will always want to see them on their birthdays (which the cynical part of me feels is so that he can show them all the milestones he was there for in the future).

I told him to decide what sort of relationship he wanted with the children and to stick to it, not keep telling them one thing and doing another. It sank in for about a month, but quickly returned to how it was before. Contact is very minimal to be honest. I will continue to leave the door open, at least for now, and let him be responsible for what sort of relationship he has with them. If it gets too upsetting for them in future, I will reassess.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I’m sorry that you are in a position to offer insight but I am very grateful for your reply. I think I will be following a similar route in that I will have to suck it up and give him a chance, although I expect many disappointments and ultimate heartbreak. Take care. x

Slightly different but my Ds’s dad dropped out of his life when he was 3.

It has at times been challenging but in all honesty it is far easier for me to say what I tried and how young he was than to not have tried at all.

My D’s is definitely better off than the dad he turned out to be however I did the right thing giving him the chance

Thank you very much for your reply. I believe the right thing to do is to give him a chance, however since my post, he has requested a DNA test through CMS which has added a whole other level of frustration and humiliation into the mix. I’m devastated but have to trust things will calm in time. x

Hi @mamagiorgio

From a different perspective, my dad was not great at all. He had another family and chose them. I barely saw him but he continued to drop in and out of my life. My mum let him. I always wondered why I wasn't good enough to be chosen and that has continued through my whole life.

I now have a son who I will absolutely not let see that. I'm NC with my dad now because I will not have my son grow up thinking he can treat people like that(he also does lots and lots of other things to treat people terribly)

I understand my mum wanting us to have a relationship(although she could never see any wrong in him😒) but she absolutely should have stopped him treating me like something he could pick up and drop when he had a spare minute.

Hope this helps in some way.
Congratulations on your little one.

Thank you very much for your sharing your experience. I’m very sorry that you have had to make that difficult decision to go NC. I also fear that my son will witness my ex “choosing” his other family, as he seems to have done so far. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have a perfect co-parenting relationship with him, but as much effort as I can put in on my end, I don’t think that would be the case. Now I am leaning towards moving forward without his input and simply explaining to LO why I made that choice when he is old enough to understand. It is heartbreaking, but I think I have to protect him. The anxiety of making the right decision is overwhelming and making me physically ill. Thank you all for your kind words. x

I had it with my 23 yr old and for his 18th I took him to meet his father (his birthday wish), no contact since then but he's glad to know where he came from. I also have my 14yr old who was useless and worked cash in hand so he didn't pay anything for him and his contact was like once or twice a year for about 20 mins at a time which was distressing for my son, but my son said he still misses him so I let it continue until eventually he was old enough and he said don't bother you only let him down. Now his dad is married and he's 14 yes old and he's a great father and my son loves him and his new half sister more than anything. Just take one day at a time and think what's best for them, try to push your own emotions aside and just think about the child. Keep there well being in mind as he grows, things change and so does life and the people in it. Goodluck sincerely

My DH’s parents split up when he was a baby, so a very long time ago. MIL told ex if he ever let down her son and didn’t turn up to visits, then that would be it. Unfortunately he didn’t turn up after a few visits, so my DH never saw him again. His Dad could have easily found them in later years as they moved back home to family, but no, he wasn’t bothered. In later years MIL asked DH if he would have wanted her to try harder with visits, DH said if he couldn’t be bothered before, he wouldn’t ever want to see him again.

It’s really sad that your ex is insisting on a DNA test, unfortunately it’s quite common, a family member or friend may have said make sure the child’s yours before you start paying, but at least you and he will know 100% and then you can move forward in your life with your little one.

My dd1,s bio dad dropped out of her life when she was 5 . He had an affair when she was 3 months old , and went on to have a subsequent child . He basically chose his new family over her . I bitterly regret trying to give him a chance to know her . She considers my partner who has been in her life for 20 years to be her dad .