Needing help

[Natali365]

Hi everyone, please no judgement. I’m at the lowest point of my life , finically & mentally, abusive ex partner took me to court and got a court order to see my children , my solictor is being of no help, I suffer from ptsd and depression as the abuse has always continued in some form or way (mental, emotional, finical) I have been begging him to help me for months now to help with clothes ect for our children as he’s got such a high income, to which I keep hearing the excuse “I’m on benefits” , “you get matience” .. it’s 13.45 a fortnight for two children, I had to buy them new clothes once again for his contact as he has a event , not once has he bought them clothes which left me short for food and electric, gas this weeks.. I’m in a pit of depression , I don’t know where to go what to do, I don’t want to wake up I feel like no matter what he will always get off with every form of abusive behaviour towards me and il continue to suffer, has a now newly turned fiancé enabling his behaviour which she’s happy he supports her and her kids (only been together a year) .. does anyone know any instant loan companies for bad credit? Iv tried foodbank iv had no reply and not answering phones, universal credit im maxed out with loans , I need a easy loan company that will help me please and thank you. I just feel like I have and will always continue to fail my children, he wasn’t around for the best part of 6 years now he’s Walked in and turned my life upside down again, can someone please advice me on what I can do also with him having the means to support my children but saying no he won’t?

If he is on a high income why do you get £13.45 a fortnight? Sorry if I misunderstood that? Why have you not contacted cms?

Hi , he’s on pips and working cash in hand , I have already tried to report a few times but without evidence their is nothing I can do , he’s always had the upper hand and getting away with everything , hence why I’m sitting the way I am now, he’s highly respected in the community now because he’s “changed his life around” .. yet still continues to emotionally and mentally abuse me , saying he will help me then telling me to sort it out myself and that money is my god , trying to gaslight the situation to Make it look like I always get it from him. Iv had a breakdown this morning over it all, last option now is a loan company

And sorry just to add to he’s on benefits that’s why I only get that much , he thinks that’s enough for the children to survive on

He’s not got a high income if he is on benefits then? My ex is on benefits but doesn’t have to pay any maintenance as he has debts so I just don’t rely on it. I’ve got an over draft with my bank now I know some will disagree with it but it’s helped massively can you get an overdraft? I don’t have good credit either but was accepted.

He is on high income , he’s on top rate pips so £600 monthly on top of his universal credit, and he’s illegally working cash in hand, he’s the funds to travel and stay in hotels etc weekly I know I couldn’t afford that on benefits, I can’t get a overdraft I have a basic account due to bad credit. He agreed via court agreement to help me out when needed but has not kept to his word, I just think it’s so unfair he treats his partner and her children to days out , dinners , amusements ect and here I am having to beg him for help when it comes to his own children. I had to remind him it takes two people to conceive a child. Just think this normality that single mothers should get on with it and figure it out themselves is a joke when the fathers are more than capable of helping and choose not too, there should be a law against it

Sorry to hear you're having such a horrid time of it OP. You're right, there should be laws to protect single mothers from this sort of thing.

Why did you have to buy the children special clothes for his event? Is this a regular occurrence or a one off like a wedding? Can you sell the special clothes and get some money back for them?

Do you have anything you could sell (old toys/clothes you/the kids have outgrown)?

Are you working or are you on benefits? If the latter, have you double checked that you are getting everything that you are entitled to?

Is work an option? Do you have any support from family or friends? If you are unable to work due to ages of children, have you looked at other ways of generating income? Eg. Any skills you can monetize? Baking/cooking proofreading, cleaning, painting, bookkeeping, flower arranging, football refereeing, gardening, home help?

I don't know if any loan companies, but please speak to your bank or to a credit union before you take out a loan. Once you are in debt it is so consuming, so difficult to get out of debt and absolutely awful for your mental health.

Firstly - you need to cut your ties with him as much as you can. Yes, you share children together, so you need to still communicate about some aspects relating to the children (serious illnesses impacting child, visitation schedule, any major schooling decisions). But you should seek to minimise communication as much as possible. Try and agree visitation schedule as far in advance as possible ( three months at minimum, if you both have stable hours); he can speak with school/ nursery directly if he wants so no need for you to pass on every message; regarding illnesses do let him know about them, but any pointless follow up questions ignore or refer to the child's doctor. You need to stay away from him as much as you can. Only contact him if it's absolutely necessary. This is crucial for your mental health

Second - don't rely on him for money. Don't beg, don't explain how much children cost and how little his contribution covers, don't remind him it's his responsibility. He is enjoying receiving these messages as it gives him a power trip. I don't think he'll give you anything, no mater how many times you ask. Yes it's unfair and shit, but there's nothing you can do. You can go to CMS, and you can explain to them that he's hiding his income, but it's CMS you should be venting to about the lack of money. They can potentially investigate, but apparently they're not too great at it. Only CMS can potentially help squeeze something out of him (though not necessarily if he's good at hiding income). I doubt he will give anything voluntarily, no matter how many times you ask.

Money wise you need to sort out as a priority a financially stable situation for you and the children. Taking out loans upon loans isn't the way, as I assume you have noticed. That loan money will run out at some point / has run out, and then needs to be paid back with interest. You may feel you need something now to tie you over, but please don't make loans a long time strategy. What to do:

• call that food bank again. If they don't pick up, call another one. They help people like you in tough situations all the time

• speak with step change. They can advise how to find help with your current debts. They can help with DMP if suitable. NEVER consider and IVA (unless you own your own home and recommend by step change)
• join MSE forum
• pay your primary bills (rent and council tax, then food and heating). Don't prioritise payments to credit card debtors / loans companies, as they can wait
• speak with the council - what help is there? Hardship funds? Can someone help you figure out if you have any benefits you could claim? Social housing? Free child care so you can work? Check entitled to website
• don't pay for any clothingfor events during ex's time. He wants them to go - he pays. He doesn't pay - his decison and potentially they will all stay in rather than go to event. His parenting time, his expense, his decision. Nothing you need to concern yourself with
• switch your bank account, bag £200. Then switch again to another bank, bag 150. Then switch again. You can make 500-600 in a few months. If you don't have a bank account you can switch because you have an overdraft etc, then create a brand new bank account. Then start switching that account. Yes, you can do that. Check money saving expert on which banks give switch bonuses and more info
• speak with a GP, or mind, or any support line you find the best. You have come here for help which is a great start, now widen that support network and get help for depression and anxiety through more channels.

Finally - don't compare yourself to others. Definitely don't compare yourself to your ex. Yes he may have more money and do this and that, but you know that when your kids grow up and realize what an abusive ass he's been, he'll lose his relationship with his children. Everything has a price. He may laugh now and think he's on the top as he's "won the battle" but one day he will lose the war. Don't sacrifice any more thought for him. Find your own peace.

I wish you all the best x

And of course - make a budget.

List your incoming and outgoings for each mont, and figure out how much cash you have for food / clothes / etc. Then stick with the budget! If there is a shortfall, figure out ways to plug the gap. Is there any work you could do from home? Survey sites? Snapping up receipts? Switxhing bank acccounts? Musfery shopping? Don't go buying clothes for the children for events that happen on ex's time, your money is better spent elsewhere

@pearlyb is right. No matter how unfair, you need to stop thinking about him and his life. Yes he should support his kids but he clearly isn't going to so you need to provide for them. And they are better off without someone like that for a father.

What do you do for a job? Can you get extra hours or find some work you can do from home at weekends. Do you have help from your family?

Don't go to an instant loans company, that's just building up trouble for the future. Keep calling/visiting the foodbanks. Talk to stepchange. You will cope. You shouldn't have to but your dcs need you to make it work. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP.
I would advice you look into DRO- debt relief order. Your debt from loans can be cancelled depending on your situation, based on what you've said, you likely meet the criteria. At least that way you don't have to use your benefits to pay off loans and can start afresh. Just note, that a DRO stays in your file for up to 6 years and in that time, taking out loans/mortgages will be very difficult.

As much as it's his responsibility, and it takes two to make a child, I think you're banging your head against a brick wall to keep pursuing that line of thought / expectation. He must obviously realise that £7 isn't enough. As much as it's unfair I think you're better of just expecting no help (other than continuing to go through CMS) and then you can start to move on from him, atm you're still allowing him to have power over you. Don't beg him for anything.

You say he wasn't around for 6 years, how were you managing financially then? Why has it turned your life upside down now he's returned, because he's started seeing the children?