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Fed up of being told this

23 replies

AllOrNothingSituation · 11/05/2023 17:41

Genuine question but is it only single mum's that are suppose to love being with their kids every second of the day? Mine are with me full time I get no days to myself at all. I feel like I've lost my identify and feel I'm only a mum I have nothing for myself I don't really have any friends and my kids are too old to make friends through them but not young enough to be left alone. I noticed a woman's walking group starting in our area and I would love to go but I can't as I don't get any weekends free. I spend every weekend with the children and tbh it would be nice to do something that doesn't involve children for once. I'm usually too tired / burnt out to do activities on the weekend with them if I'm honest. I feel like I've lost myself and I have nothing going other than being a mum. If I post this on single parent groups I will be told how I should feel grateful I have "full custody" and how much they love being with their kids every day. Is something wrong with me? As I just dont feel this way and it feels like this is something single mum's say as I've never heard people in relationship say how much they love spending every minute with their kids and never want a day off never want any hobbies or social life, if you have a partner then obviously you can have hobbies/ see friends/ go away occasionally without involving the kids obviously im not talking about abusive relationships where people aren't allowed to do that as that's not the norm. So mum's in relationships are allowed to have a life but if you're a single mum you should just be grateful you get to be with your kids every minute, that's what it feels like anyway.

OP posts:
clarepetal · 11/05/2023 17:46

I totally hear you. X

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/05/2023 18:02

Yeah, it's tough. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.

All I can advise is to try to establish a support network - which in itself is hard to do if you never have child free time.

How old are your DC? I used to cherish the hours between their bedtime and mine. However now that they're teens that means me staying up late and it's not sustainable.

It does get better. As I said, mine are now teens and I can go out during the day or for an evening now and then as they don't need supervision, although even that used to involve messages from them asking when I was coming home. They had a strong emotional reliance on me due to not having anyone else around.

AllOrNothingSituation · 11/05/2023 18:23

I just feel like it's another way to shame single mum's that they don't adore every second with their kids, if I had a partner I wouldn't be told I should love being with them every minute it would be accepted that I would want some ME time as well or a social life away from kids. Oldest is 12 youngest just turned 6

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 11/05/2023 18:43

I'm really sorry something as simple as joining a walking group is impossible for you.
It's a suffocating situation and it is unfair that you are told enjoying every minute is how you should feel.
Everyone needs balance of stimulus in their life ideally, and the fact it is all tilted to motherhood is not balance even if it is a necessity for the foreseeable.

I hope the change you need comes along.

Champersandchocolate · 11/05/2023 18:49

I know the feeling.
i remember being a single mum and my ONLY conversations with adults were the workers in Tesco & the waiters in a local pub. I lived far from family as left an abusive husband and started a fresh..

Eventually, my youngest daughter started school so I had got a part time job Monday - Thursday which meant I had Fridays from 9-3 to myself!! My cherished hours, where I met my current partner and I have never looked back.

He was my first date and probably the only man who was available on a Friday lunch time for a date 😂

I know how you feel. You are stronger than you think - routine is key. Do small things each week if you can on the same days, even just eating in a local restaurant every Thursday. Becoming familiar with the staff saved me, they weren’t friends but it felt good to know that every Thursday we’d be in our same restaurant with our same staff and I’d get some kind of social life out of it.

Infact, it wasn’t a fancy restaurant, it was a local pub! Because although it wasn’t really, to my taste, people in a normal, working man’s pub do become friendly and it’s just nice to be acknowledged!

AllOrNothingSituation · 11/05/2023 19:49

thanks all that’s what I needed some people that get it rather than being told oh don’t you love spending every day with your kids you’re so lucky 🙄

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/05/2023 02:32

I get, oh I really, really get it! Absence makes the heart grow fonder..... 😬

Coyoacan · 12/05/2023 02:45

Been there, bought the T-shirt, but sometimes it does help to look on the bright side. You still have to be with them, so try to see the good side of it

Danikm151 · 12/05/2023 02:58

I love my son but sometimes I take the day off work and still send him to nursery.
I take a me day now and then, I can’t regularly commit to any hobbies ( I used to love going to the gym or a bike ride of an evening)
my social life is going to work which is sad

You still need time for you.

stinkythefool · 12/05/2023 04:11

Could you leave the 12 year old home and take the 6 year old? If I want to do stuff like walk at the weekend I have to take my 6 year old. He's a very sociable kid, so it's fine as he enjoys the company of other adults! He's complains as soon as we've done more than an hour.

I also do stuff like get home to ride and I walk or run... that time when he is up ahead is bliss. I'm enjoying the fresh air, countryside, views and err peace from his constant chatter.

AllOrNothingSituation · 12/05/2023 08:18

No thank you but it’s not a kids thing.

OP posts:
AllOrNothingSituation · 12/05/2023 08:32

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/05/2023 02:32

I get, oh I really, really get it! Absence makes the heart grow fonder..... 😬

Yeah that’s my feelings I often hear people saying they miss their kids too much when they are gone but I want a chance to miss them. Don’t know what that feels like!

OP posts:
HeartQueenCharlotte · 25/05/2023 09:21

@AllOrNothingSituation I get you completely.

I have an 8 and 3 year old - both in full time school/nursery with wraparound.

Do your kids go to wrap around or any after school activities? I sit in the car whilst my 8 year has a music lesson. It’s half an hour but I am on my own!

Once I have dropped off in the morning I have an hour (thereabouts) to do whatever. I haven’t used it for me time, but I really should.

I also arrange play dates/sleepovers and try and make sure they happen on the same day (I also have a 3 year old).

The biggest challenge is none of this is a routine. Really sporadic and takes a lot of planning, which is exhausting!

SoloMamabyChoice · 25/05/2023 09:26

Can you take some of your annual leave during the week? That way you have all day to yourself while they are at school. Otherwise start your own walking group for families incl children and you can still have a hobby and bring them? They’ll be chatting to the other kids and you get adult conpany

SoloMamabyChoice · 25/05/2023 09:29

Swap childcare with another single mum. Ie you watch the kids one Sat, she watches kids one Sun. You both get a break.

PuffinsRocks · 25/05/2023 09:30

I get you. When I was a single parent I wanted to do a ladies golf class but it was in the evening. I wanted to retrain as a decorator so I could have prospects but it was in the evening. I got depressed with it all and wanted to go to a group therapy but it was no kids allowed. Every single thing I ever tried to do I couldn't do because society isn't set up for single mums and the assumption is you have childcare.

SoloMamabyChoice · 25/05/2023 09:30

Host games nights/afternoons for other single parents. Again kids can play and you get adult company.

Didisquat · 25/05/2023 09:35

I agree with the post above, can you take some annual leave and have a day to yourself every now and then? I sometimes have a random day off and just go for a walk around the shops by myself or lie on the sofa all day by myself, just anything by myself really! I’ve been with mine alone for the last 7 years and although I am grateful I don’t have to share them with their useless father I cherish those days of complete silence.

AllOrNothingSituation · 25/05/2023 11:12

Thanks all I sound mean but would rather not start a parent and child one I spend enough time with my own kids I really can’t cope with being around them more I want to be around them less 😌 it’s just nice to know I’m not alone with the walking thing it was just about having something for just “me” everything is about kids I’m sick of having no life away from them but it is what it is.

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 25/05/2023 11:20

With a 12 year old you wouldn't get a lot of child free time to yourself after their bedtime and before yours, and sadly it will just continue to get worse. Although their conversations start getting more interesting at this point!

FetchezLaVache · 25/05/2023 11:27

I just feel like it's another way to shame single mum's that they don't adore every second with their kids

This is spot on!

See also: "You're lucky your ExH has DS twice a week" (when he still did - DS is currently refusing to see him) - because for a man, any involvement with a child he has created is entirely voluntary and therefore laudable, whereas it's just what we mere women are programmed to do, so no medals for us. :)

There is light at the end of the tunnel - you will soon be able to leave them in the care of your oldest for short periods. I remember the feeling of absolute liberation when DS was old enough to be happy to be left at home on his own while I popped to the supermarket all on my own!

ScatsThat · 25/05/2023 12:54

I hear you. I have one morning a week when I'm "free" (not with my children or at work). I would love to say I use it for "me time", but it's generally spent tidying up, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, running errands etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

Zippedydoo123 · 25/05/2023 16:28

I know people say build your support network/village but in my case they all had families nearby who helped them and nobody helped me ever. The childminder refused pointblank to help in addi tion. It is 95% indigenous here and unless your ex is helping you out you had no chance of making any new friends. I do not come from here and I used to have three nice single parent friends from single parent groups but they all moved away.

Here I am with just two friends to my name so to speak. An interesting mixed walking group is in the neighbourhood so I can go along to that once a month but it does not mean any of them there will be single parents. D s is 18 so I can very easily attend but other groups had no single parents in them that I tried. Childfree women have no understanding and wives are much more well off and complacent. They also assume you are on the man hunt which I simply am not. I would prefer a women's only one but there just isn't one here unless you are under 45 which I am not.

It really is hard to get friends where I live as very little on socially even in the neighbouring cit ies.

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