Not telling children ex is coming

[AllOrNothingSituation]

I know this is the general advice on here if you have an unreliable ex but what age do you stop doing this? Mine are getting older now so I’m finding it harder to lie to them and pretend I had no idea he was coming. He lives quite a distance away so wouldn’t just show up and they are not little kids anymore. I’m not really good at lying anyway but I’m finding it hard to act surprised that I didn’t know he was coming. We don’t have regular visits that turn up unannounced so it’s not something they are use to.

That's a dilemma, if he is unreliable I get that you don't want them to be feeling let down. Could you present it as "your dad said he would try to visit today" not ideal but you may get better suggestions

How old are they?

12 11 and 9

Tell the eldest frame it as you know your dad hasn't been as reliable as we would like due to the distance so I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep

My eldest knew by ten his dad was unreliable it still came as an upsetting shock when his dad was unrepentant about dumping him during the pandemic I like to try and tell myself he didn't think the kids could hear him on my phone but the reality is he was talking so loud people on the fucking moon could hear him and he knew the kids were right there as they said hello and he heard them

Anyway my moral of the story? Don't lie to your kids its devastating when they find out the truth