How do you co parent with a controlling ex

[Grapefruittea]

My ex and I split nearly two years ago. We have a two year old daughter. He was mentally and physically abusive, drunk to excess in the first year of her life and got into severe debt.

Fast forward to nearly two years of co parenting. He lives 45 mins away in a tiny one bedroom flat. He has no bed/cot for our child and has never stuck to any routine with her. I gave up trying to ask him to in the early days. We both work full time and he refuses to do every other weekend, so we have to share the weekends. I find this isn't fair on our daughter, and think a long weekend with quality time with each parent every other weekend is much better for her. He is unreliable and conveniently lets me down when he knows I have plans at the weekend but other weekends he will refuse to bring her back when he should so I can spend some quality time with her over the weekend. The other week she had been sick in his car and he said he'd put her in the front seat with the seat belt on for the last ten minutes of the journey. I was livid but tried to remain civil and calm as I explained how dangerous this was. He has also, on numerous occasions, after I've driven her to his on a Friday night then driven her 45 mins back to mine because she is crying or over tired and upset. Last bank holiday he had her for the whole weekend and I don't phone as let them enjoy the time together. He expects me to FaceTime every night and if I don't I get abusive texts. I am away this weekend and he has sent texts every night as to why I've not FaceTimed him. However I have ignored them. He is a chaotic individual who is heavily in debt and whilst I know he loves his daughter offers her no stability in the case of routine or a place to stay. I read a lot of threads on here and it really scares me that if it ever went to court he may get 50:50 even though he lives in essentially a studio flat and she would have no space of her own or routine. I actively encourage contact and holidays but I also want to protect my daughter's wellbeing and make sure she has security and stability. Is it unreasonable to insist on every other weekend and FaceTime calls every other day? I want to do what is best for my daughter at such a young age. But receiving emotionally manipulative and abusive texts every day makes me question if I'm being selfish when all I want is her to have main home and stability. Thanks if you've read this far.

I think you need to put very firm boundaries in place around these things. Work out a system and make sure both of you stick to it and just don't answer calls or FTs. If he sees her regularly he doesn't need a FT between. This would drive me insane!!

@SSCCLL thank you. It does drive me insane and I also don't think it's fair on our child. She either doesn't want to be on the phone or gets upset when she sees him, which he relishes in and makes it worse. I have tried to suggest specific arrangements, but he won't agree to them. He doesn't think I deserve quality time with our daughter as I have her in the week.

I had a friend in a very similar situation.
Get a good solicitor who specializes in family law, make everything official. So go to court re contact not in a punitive way but so that arrangemts are official and have rules around them so to speak. Disclose the abuse of you feel able and support will be given to you. Family courts don't care about you or him their interest is in the best interests of the child, they may well want you to go through mediation first but even this gives some structure to his contact with her. Plus it does affect child maintenance etc. Believe me it may seem like hard work or like you should be able to manage with informal arrangemts but in the vast majority of cases this just doesn't work. There is no recourse and you have no back up if he's always cancelling etc. He is no longer part of your life, don't let him still control you through your daughter.

i agree with pp. firm boundaries, every other weekend, maybe plus a midweek teatime visit too? Calls every other day. Don’t respond to other stuff. Might be worth putting this in place via mediation.

@Wasywasydoodah but what happens if he doesn't agree to every other weekend? He would like her to stay over one night midweek but I genuinely don't see this is in her best interest. He lives so far from nursery and doesn't even have a bed for her. I can also see him cancelling plans or being stuck at work and asking me to pick her up and I don't need more of that in my life!

You say, “from x date she will be coming to you every other weekend”. Then dont engage with the arguments. Or do the same through mediation. You’ll have to pay for that.

If he doesn’t have a bed, though, should she be staying overnight at all?

Firm up your boundaries report any abuse to the police be clear and firm

If you go to court insist that you are allowed facetime if he demands it have clear boundaries on what happens when he doesn't stick to the order for example the more my ex pissed around the less time he got he was supposed to see her three days a week for a few hours and be sober and straight if he wasn't she didn't leave my home if he didn't turn up consistently his days were reduced

He found someone else got married and ditched her within 18 months

@Wasywasydoodah thank you. This is exactly the advice I need. I think I've let him emotionally control me for the past two years. He makes me feel guilty all the time... I drop her off at his and once she was tired and crying when she arrived and he said 'what have you done tk her' (she's a toddler who skipped a nap at nursery). Then at 8.30pm dropped her off at mine because she wouldn't stop crying and asking for me! But then he spent the rest of the week demanding to speak to her and see her!

@Theunamedcat thank you. Again really good advice and @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox and @TheSnowyOwl @SlB09 @SSCCLL really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Each comment makes me feel stronger to be less passive and make a stand. I think ultimately I am so scared of losing my daughter I've just rolled over and taken his shit.

Rock hard boundaries. Knowing you cannot force them to have contact. Knowing you have no control of what they do in their time together. Passing on essential information ie medication and illnesses but otherwise doing our own thing. Minimal communication between contacts but also being flexible for important family occasions ie if his parents were visiting.

DD is available for you to pick up 10am - 11am on Saturday and I will be home to receive her at 4pm-5pm on Sunday.

At her age contact should be short and sweet, frequency more important than duration. Court was happy for DD to not start sleepovers until she was 5. Although I found that DD preferred to have a day with each parent at the weekend with no sleepovers which is what we've done.

@Singleandproud really interesting to know. He has taken her away for a week (disaster and came home after two days) and she is going away for another week in September. I don't mind her staying over at his at the weekend but I do find it weird she has no space of her own at his house

DD did do the odd longer visit and went away to visit family and stayed over at Christmas but she prefers to be in her own bed. Ex lived nearby at the time so flexibility was easy and then he moved 45mins away but she's 13 now and arranges her own contact.

You will absolutely NOT loose your daughter. Please put your brave pants on and firm up boundaries for her sake x

My ex tried this sort of nonsense. He once threatened to leave our sons in my shed because they were fighting in his care and I wasn't home for him to return them.
I recommend calling a domestic abuse service and take advice, they will have advice too on legal support and routes available. Depending on your area, you may find the support is more than you'd have thought. The abuse can stop and you have the key. Think of it as him choosing to fight you should he wish, my ex continuously threatened me with losing our boys and I believed him, until I put in boundaries on what was best for me (and naturally the boys too) and said I'd fully cooperate should he wish to challenge my boundaries in the courts. This included not answering evening calls, blocking him on all platforms except text and only communicating by text, promising to share all abusive texts with SS and police and to peruse any criminal actions (verbal assault for example). He's still an arse 8 years in and I'm still learning but these are things that helped. Good luck

*pursue

I would also advise him that if she is ever returned to you in anything than her car seat in the back of the car, you will take photos and report him to the police. You need to grow a pair.

@gohomepleasenow sorry you've been through similar and thank you for the positive post. I do think because of the abuse (complete denial of some horrible physical and mental abuse) I've ended up doubting myself and feel very weak around him. This has really made me feel stronger. Thank you

@Singleandproud what happened when he moved 45 mins away! My ex doesn't think this is a long way and shouldn't or prevent midweek over night stays. I disagree, especially as she has no bed at his and just shares with him. (No problem with co sleeping but means there is no routine and it would disrupt everything midweek. He used to come and visit her once a week and it was fine when she was younger but now she gets very upset

@Fraaahnces yes, I regret being far too passive about this now.

@Grapefruittea He moved 45 mins away as DD started Secondary school and him having a new baby with his partner so DD dropped the midweek dinner.

She sees him on Sundays now and he has lost all flexibility with the distance and baby compared to when he was 2 mins down the road. She plays rugby too so he actually only gets half a Sunday September - May. He accepts it because when she started rugby he always had her on a Saturday so it didn't impact him but he had to change his shifts after the baby was born.

45 mins is fine for a full day visit or overnights if she's not at nursery but aren't great when they are at school. If ofcourse he treats her well.

You can't really get too worked up on the sleeping situation until she is 5ish as it's normal for others to cosleep.

Unfortunately different routines and rules is just something your DD will have to get used to, its highly unlikely he will stick to what you do so let it go as otherwise it'll make you ill and you won't enjoy your time with her.

It's also totally normal for her mood and behaviour to be off when she returns, I found having a bath ready for her was a fantastic transition tool for going from one house to the other and decompressing and relaxing for her obviously won't work if your DD doesn't love water.

Hi

sorry to hear about your situation.

regarding the FaceTime calls, he’s trying to control your time “off” and make sure you’re not completely free to relax or enjoy yourself. There is no benefit to your daughter, so this is a completely unreasonable demand that you do not have to comply with.
The other posters are giving you good advice. My experience with family courts is that they generally like to stick to the “status quo”so if you have firm boundaries now, you don’t set any precedents for later.
Keep as much evidence as you can, try to communicate in email if possible and keep any abusive texts. He will have a hard time getting 50/50. My experience of family court is that they’re actually pretty savvy and see his sort coming a mile off. Stay reasonable and keep evidence that you are supporting contact appropriately. Don’t let the idea of court scare you or put you off. It’s him who should be worried about court.

Deffo court. Document everything that has happened and all your concerns but make sure every statement is child focused. This is important.