Children bad behaviour after contact center

[Mike584]

Hi I've had full custody of my children for nearly 5 years after their mum put them in great danger. After a 2 year and 4 months court battle, the courts have now given mum 6 visits a year in a contact center. Children have been to two visits so far and when they come home they are very aggressive to each other and to myself. Do you think I should stop contact for the sake of the children mental health and wellbeing or continue. Have spoken to the local authority and the just keep saying I need to think how the mum would feel. Just look for advice on the situation? Thanks

The contact has been court ordered, so you can’t just refuse to go can you? Of course the children are going to be unsettled when they’re just starting to see a parent that they’ve barely seen. I don’t think trying to ban them from seeing them ever again is going to turn out well. You also run the risk of contact potentially getting increased if the other parent decides to take you back to court. Im sure that she only has supervised contact at the moment for good reason. But I do know of someone in the same situation who started refusing contact, and at the next court case it increased from a few hours a week supervised, to every other weekend unsupervised. It’s not going to look good on you in court after a battle spanning years, a legal order finally put in place, for you to then say ‘oh I’ve decided not to obey it coz the children are naughty after’ after two visits.

Their mother put them in grave danger, violence in front of the children and towards the children due to excessive drinking and drugs, she tried taking her life Infront of them. My 8 year old has been subject to Major mental health trauma which was confirmed by a children's psychologist. They don't even want to go to see their mum. Just feel stuck and really worried for the girls mental health.

Oh I completely agree with you. Parents like that have no business being within a mile of any child. If they have no bond with her then what’s the point of repeatedly putting them through the trauma of having to see her. Especially when it’s every 2 months which I actually find a bit bizarre. It’s not enough to build a bond with her, but often enough that it’s causing constant disruption to their lives. If it just to keep some sort of contact with her then why not just once or twice a year? But I’d tread very carefully around disobeying court ordered contact. I’d definitely seek legal advice before refusing contact, that is something that has the potential to lead to you getting arrested and charged. Your children don’t need to be put through that either, and you’ll also come across as an unfit parent in the eyes of some judges.

It's so difficult, challenging behaviour after contact with a parent in this scenario is typical particularly if they have experienced trauma.

I would support the court ordered contact but not discipline them following that contact for poor behaviour I would research descalation techniques and provide them with a quiet and safe area to express themselves and look into therapy if they haven't already had some.

Its a court order so u have no choice.
Normal for children to behave like that after seeing an absent parent.

You can't stop court ordered contact without the approval of the court. It's as simple as that.

You could even lose custody altogether by defying a court order, it's happened before

I don’t think that you should disobey the court order.

Are the children old enough that you can have a conversation with them? If this was my children I’d probably try and establish an agreed “after court” routine which would help to calm down.

A routine could look something like physical activity, draw our feelings, screen time, bath, bedtime. With a view to containing the behaviour on the day that the visit happens.

If they don’t already have some sort of play therapy or similar then that might be helpful to have in place, with sessions scheduled for the day after visits

Sorry - that should say “after contact” not “after court”

No advice just sympathy for you and your children.
It's beyond belief that abusers like this get access to their children and keep messing up their lives because it's their "right"
I really feel for you all, the system is a joke

What's even worse is that she took me to court. And made it quite clear to the courts that she doesn't want the children back she just wants to see them. There was also no plan about it moving from the contact center as they deem her a risk to the children. I will seek legal advice from my solicitor. Just concerned how it's affecting the girls. After the last contact my 8 year old strangled the 6 year old which left marks on her neck. My 8 year old been having therapy which has been going on for 22 sessions and they say she has a wall up and won't break it down.
I'm trying my hardest as a single dad but keep getting knocked back.

You need to go back to court to amend the contact, either to indirect contact so letters/cards or perhaps phone or video contact although many children find that difficult.
Gather your information about it not meeting the children's needs and you can present this as the outcome of contact, its not good for the children

The fact that she took you to court makes it even more dangerous for you to break the order, it was ruled in her favour to have at least some sort of regular contact with her children. This was hard fought for and it was deemed in the best interests of your children to see their mother (rightly or wrongly). Like pp have said, you run the risk of losing your children yourself as going against the judges order is seen as not acting in your childrens best interests. If you restrict or deny access then it could eventually get to the point where your children are removed and given to someone who will obey the judges contact orders. Also I’m not sure if any legal aid was given to either you or their mother, but I have some experience with family courts and I know that they will come down on you like a ton of bricks if you go against an order that the legal system has put potentially a huge amount of money into over the years.

The thing I can't understand is Caffcass, children's solicitor, psychological assessment of mum all deemed the mum a risk to the children but the Judge didn't. That's all I had thrown at me in court by the judge is that mum has rights too. I'm sorry but she lost all rights when she put them in danger.

I had legal aid in court due to there mum faulsly accusing me of rape twice and violence towards me in the relationship.

Sounds like the judge did feel mum can present risk to the children otherwise the contact wouldnt be supervised in a contact centre, or in a contact centre at all

A parent can be a risk to a child but that risk can be managed by supervision or the way the contact is managed.

However, that is different (although it can overlap) to the children being distressed or unhappy or unsettled by having contact with that person.

Although the children havent come to direct physical harm during the contact, they seem to demonstrate that they are distressed/unhappy or unsettled by the contact so it doesnt seem good for them.

My children have seen their father in a contact centre, so I understand your conserns.
I would very much look what happens once you collect them from the contact centre. They need time to wind down and re adjust. If they have pent up anger take them on a long stomp in the woods or something similar.
I also think you need to be addressing your conserns with all concerned, do you have any feedback about how the session has gone?
Do you keep a diary? I used to, it was used in court.