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Single parent with ex drama

2 replies

motheru · 01/05/2023 14:54

Can anyone help with advise please? Half a year ago I separated from partner of 10 years and left with 3 kids aged 1,4 and 5 at the time. Reason for separation; he been stealing money from me and not once so he run out of second chances and I told him to leave the house (I own the house). We had unconventional arrangements when it came to work: I was the bread winner and he was taking care of kids as no way we could afford to send them all into child care. It worked for us so we agreed to go that way till all kids go school and we can both work.
He moved in with his mother an hour away who lives in 3 bed property. He told me she charges him £300 rent and he promised me £150 a week for child support. It was a rough change as I was not able to work and provide any more but luckily had some money saved up for a rainy day. I arranged a nursery for little one for 2 days a week so I could catch up on cleaning, have a shower, do some work and make a home made meal. That cost me £600 a month alone. Not to mention half terms, strikes and clubs kids attend (gymnastics and ballet). Little one is very demanding and I lost count how many times I had to take him hospital. I been waiting for his promised support for months on end and every time I asked it was like ... I am not made permanent yet, my shifts not finalised etc etc. I got fed up and applied for child maintenance. Got a letter saying since his income is £17.50 a week he will be paying me £7 a week for all 3 kids... I know he can pay more but as he just found job not long ago and haven't worked in 10 years we been together that's how they calculated it. When I asked him is that what he is intending to pay he said he will pay what child maintenance told him. So I said to him, ok in that case he should start taking kids for half term and holidays so I can make some money as my savings are pretty much gone which became another big issue, they don't have nowhere to stay with him as apparently his mothers house is a 'war zone' inappropriate for kids and if he was to take them for 5 days I asked during half term he will have to find £500-600 for that... so basically he doesn't want to pay more than £30 a months for his kids and he can't take them every now and then so I can make some money either ... I really don't even want to speak to him after that as I do not know how he imagines me taking care of all kids on his £30 a month... my family is abroad so I have no support with child care while he has him mom and sister next to him. He said if it's so hard for me then he will take the kids to which I laughed ... and look after them 3 on £17.50 a week?!
I really don't want to speak to him anymore but we have children. His 'occasional father' thing is really getting to me, he only seen them about 6-7 times since separation and speaks to them on video chat once a week. I feel like just dropping him from my life but I cannot as it's unfair on Children but speaking to him really makes my blood boil as it feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Last time we spoke I told him to lose my number and make arrangements to see his kids but not though me anymore.
Now he messaged asking to speak to kids ... I don't know what to do. I feel selfish if I don't let him but at the same time I feel like he doesn't deserve to have these privileges after what he did to us, not helping and not even taking kids so I can do some work... what should I do?

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 03/05/2023 08:55

So you were looking after him financially before you separated? As you don't anymore, it's reasonable to assume he would have to work, and so he can't be available all hours to look after the children while you go to work. Even if he lives with his mum, it's reasonable that he needs to contribute to his mum's household (rent, bills, food etc). So yes, he too needs a job and can't be looking after the children every weekday 8-6. He can't live off thin air and needs an income and roof over his head.

So he had to move an hour away to live with his mum,as probably he didn't have the funds to get together a deposit and pay rent independently. That's quite normal and what a lot of separated fathers have to do. It probably takes longer than 6 months for him to get on his feet after having to start from 0 with no job and presumably with no savings. Now he can't see the children very often. I feel this issue could have been foreseen - perhaps you could have done more to help him get started rather than just kick him out? I appreciate he wasn't acting honestly, but you kicked him out with nowhere to go, no job and no home, and now you expect him to be able to just muster up a big amount of money to live locally by himself in a big enough apartment to facilitate having 3 children stay over, while not having a job, while paying food and expenses for three children while you work, and while paying you child maintenance? Doesn't make any sense. You had very unreasonable expectations.

He was paying 650 per month previously (150*4.33), which is a good amount for 3 children, and you took him to CMS. No he is pissed, and I'd say justifiably so. I appreciate 650 doesn't cover the childcare, but maybe you should have tried to come up with a bit more fare arrangements to begin with.

I feel you started on a wrong foot, and you need to take a long and hard look at the situation and think what is both fair and realistic. You need to coparent with this person for 16/17 years still, so it would be in your and the children's benefit to find a compromise, no matter how hard it can be. Speaking with a mediator can be a big help, and I'd do it soon before things get even more sour between the two of you. If you can't get this sorted, you're headed towards family courts. Who, by the way, can do nothing to help you - they don't award child maintenance (only CMS does this) and they can't force him to have the kids (they can only say you have to make the children available to spend time with him, but it's up to him whether he picks the kids up or not). And also courts cost a lot of money, take years to complete, sours your relationship even more, and harms the kids in the process.

How about you think about something like this -

You both work part time, and have the children 50/50. If you need some childcare, you split the cost. Nobody pays child maintenance as it's a 50/50 arrangement, and child benefit gets split in half too. Each parent pays half the costs (clothes, hobbies, etc). This arrangement can start once he is back on his feet and can afford to live closer in an apartment that's big enough for the children. As you were together for 10 years and he sacrificed his career for several years to look after the kids for years, you should think about contributing to his deposit / paying for it. This patch will only last for another 4 or so years until the youngest one is in school (or you can both even increase hours earlier when you start getting the free childcare hours). Then you can both start working full time and making more money.

That's just my suggestion of something to think about and see whether that would be feasible?

Sorry this probably wasn't what you wanted to hear

PeterLemonJello · 05/05/2023 10:50

Has he paid you anything op since you split up? If he was stealing from you, it's unlikely he will be honest now about money.

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