Child possibly living with his dad

[CinnamonSwirly]

right now i am struggling. My 9 year old son hates school with a passion. Everyone knows this including school. He hates everything about it. He has some extra support via an ELSA and some modifications to things like homework and his school uniform. He isn't diagnosed and the wait is a long one.

the trouble is he is extremely violent towards me and his siblings. Both older and younger. He kicks and punches full force and hes very strong. He terrifies his 17 year old sister and his 8 year old brother. He breaks his brothers toys, rips up my books, slams doors, punches holes in walls, destroys property. Im in a private rented home with no space for him to just have a room to trash to let out anger. Hes also started full on swearing at me all the time and telling me im the worst mum and he wants to kill me and wishes i was never born.

his dad lives an hour away. We split when son was 1 so he has no memories of us being a family. He doesn’t behave this way for his dad. His dad tells me he doesnt see this behaviour at all at his house.

i feel like im constantly on egg shells in my own home. And get abused daily. Ive tried parenting courses, ive read books about how to handle children like him but nothing is working for me. Theres nothing i can do to stop the bad behaviour.

ive tried the positive parenting and rewards for being good etc and it really doesn’t help. If i dont let him do whatever he likes he will run off, or trash the house, he was screaming to the neighbours that i was being a bitch the other day. I really dread to think what they think goes on over here sometimes.

he is currently at his dads house now as i feel like im heading for a breakdown. I asked his dad to have him temporarily for a few months to see how it goes and to give me some respite from the violence. Son cried and begged not to go. Made me feel 100x worse. he has also sent me messages asking why i have “kicked him out”.

his dad is now considering enrolling him in a school near him and making it official. Its been 2 days and im not sure. I feel so upset about him not being with me and his siblings but i also cant keep having the violence. I have the other children to think about also.

my mum and sister keep telling me its a good idea for him to be with his dad for now and just visit me in the holidays and weekends. But hes my son and this is hard.

has anyone had one child live with someone else while the others live with you and did it work?

So sorry you are going through this OP.

How long did he typically spend at dads before? If it was for short amount of time then maybe your son was able to hold it all together until getting home.

Child who behave this way have a reason for it. Sometimes it’s just so hard to figure out why because the child doesn’t always have the ability to identify what is happening and how they feel.

For the sake of the other children it’s no harm to see how this goes perhaps as things can’t go on like this. The other children need to feel safe in the home. Your feelings are very understandable. It’s very possible after awhile that your Ex might start to see your son acting out and then maybe he might be more supportive to find a cause and solution. You clearly love him and this doesn’t have to be forever OP.

OP

You're right, you have to think about your other children too.
His dad is his parent too, there's no reason he shouldn't live with him.
Keep to the initial plan, a few months is likely to be good for all of you.
Stay strong.

This sounds really hard and I can relate to some extent.

What are school doing to support him? As it seems like at the moment it isn't enough...

Have you read "The explosive child" by Ross Greene? If not I would wholeheartedly recommend it. It isn't a typical parenting book. It requires effort to change your whole perspective.

Do you get any support from any outside agencies?

I do hear you that you're at the end of your tether. But I do worry that this could be really damaging to your son from an attachment perspective. He will feel it as rejection. Could a compromise be reached where he still lives with you but spends more time with his dad at weekends and holidays? Does his dad come and visit him too to give you some respite?

What was the plan for your son's schooling when it was agreed he'd go to his dad's?

Staying with his dad seems like a very good idea but changing his permanent school after 2 days is premature.

What is his dad like and what's your relationship like with him? Is he kind and patient and reliable? What sort of relationship does your ex have with the other children? Does he pay maintenance and pay it on time? Is he likely to use all this against you?

Why is no one helping you with the behaviour? I mean that's out of hand and of course you can not cope.
It is not you - it is unhealthy behaviour.
Why is he so aggressive and what steps can be put in place to help him learn to deal with his problems.
Let his Dad take over and have a visiting plan for you or phone calls with his Dad around.
I would be doing the same.
If not videoing the behaviour if your ever in the middle of it.
You can only tolerate so much.

His dad and i actually split up as he was a narcissist and verbally abusive towards me. We get on ok apart and he says he will support me but he also has a perfect parent syndrome where he believes he is the better parent.

my son usually goes to his dads in school holidays and every other weekend. His dad doesnt pay maintenance and never has. He doesnt work. hes an amputee so is living on universal credit and ESA.