What can I do?

[Hamsterwheel21]

H and I separated last year. other than an hour or so once a month he is NC. 3 primary school DC and I am so overwhelmed with life. Work full time (not an option to reduce hours currently) and I have completely lost myself, I’m like a big ball of stress & just overwhelmed. I just want escapism - like now lying in bed mindlessly scrolling to distract myself. I’m in a constant state of anxiety and there’s no end to it. I envisaged my life to be so different, I was outgoing, sociable, laid back, lived life to the full, so focused on my kids and now I just feel sorry for them that they’ve ended up with me. H, the relationship breakdown and line parenting has literally sucked the life out of me. I would never commit suicide but do think about not being here and just being at peace. I’ve tried

• mindfulness / meditation - can’t stick to it
• healthy eating / trying to lose weight - don’t have the motivation
• help from others - have some extended family who help now and again which I’m grateful for but it’s a dip in the ocean
• exercise - getting 10k steps in every day (non-negotiable)
• Journalling - can’t motivate to do it regularly
• see gp -won’t do it as some years ago got prescribed a few different anti depressants and the side effects were awful, plus huge weight gain which made me feel worse.
• counselling / therapy - couldn’t think of anything worse than opening up to a stranger but would consider it because I’m so desperate, how do you even find someone to go to though or what type of therapy you need

I don’t even know what I’m posting for really, some words of wisdom maybe. I don’t want to talk to people in RL

Rest. You are allowed to not have a plan. You are allowed to just rest.

Getting 10k steps in a day is good. I'm averaging 8.5 just about.

Do you have close friends you can lean on? Having a good laugh/whine with mates is a stress reliever for me.
You say you are anxious. Do you mind saying a bit more about that. What are your main worries?

Sleep! Early nights for you and the kids

yoga

read a good book

do child minding swaps with a friend to get child free time. Or book them into activities.

ask relatives to have kids.

Can ex have kids over night once a week?

I was in a dark place years ago. Honestly it was like Groundhog Day. It’s very difficult to make changes when you’re overwhelmed.
You sound so stressed OP. You have a lot on so it’s only natural to feel this way and chronic stress has a major effect on our minds and our bodies. That fight or flight response has raised your anxiety levels but also left you stuck and unmotivated.

This not your life forever. Take a step back when your stress is ramped up, breathe think of something positive in your life. I find a combination of stopping myself spiralling with negative thoughts and also activities where I can get out of my own head helps me.

I find exercise really helpful even if it’s in the evenings in front of the tv.

I think having a highly organised home and life helps (haven’t quite achieved this yet but I’m trying to make small changes to save myself time e.g batch cooking, meal planning for a month at a time, decluttering, even tiny things like labelling my keys so that I’m not always fishing around for the right one). It’s partially about saving time but also about feeling more in control of life.

But honestly I think the biggest thing is time and remembering that you won’t feel like this forever. It helped me to see my emotions as slightly detached from myself- so to think to myself “I’m feeling particularly bad this week but this really intense emotion will probably pass in a few days” and also to see relationship breakdown and becoming a single mum as a grieving process where you expect to feel certain feelings at different points. No idea if that’s a healthy way to look at it but it helped me.

It sounds like you’re being quite hard on yourself and expecting to feel better quite quickly. I’m similar - I really suffer with guilt over all the things I’m getting wrong with the children and life in general and sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to give the children exactly what they would have had if they had two parents present (or more) that I end up making things worse or getting exhausted and burnt out. I wrote down all the things I feel guilty about the other day and some of it was ridiculous and I guess it is really about the fact that their dad left. I also realised that carrying that guilt around is making me feel anxious. I haven’t worked out how to deal with it yet but I’m sure it’s counterproductive.

Also does it matter if you only journal or do mindfulness stuff occasionally? It’s not meant to be another job. Just do it when you feel it might be helpful or you have the time? I write in a journal when I want to vent or record my thoughts at a particular time but sometimes go months without.