If you are a single parent with no support (including from the father)

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Theunamedcat · 22/04/2023 18:06

50/50 some days it's so easy other days I would kill for a hand

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/04/2023 18:23

I'm a lone parent to an autistic/ADHD child with zero support. Nobody's fault, I'm miles from family, my mum is dead, my Dad has Alzheimer's. I have friends obviously but only ask for help if desperate. It's hard going, I won't deny it. However, I am so used to things being as they are that it no longer bothers me. Of course I'd like some time to myself and to be able to build a life of my own but it's currently not possible so I just get on with it.

Clareicles · 22/04/2023 18:24

It's tough. I've been on my from the beginning, so I never had the belief that I'd have a partner's help/support. A second pair of hands would be very useful, especially for doing chores/errands, or for having an hour to yourself to read in the bath or similar.
However, I'd say parenting alone is easier than doing it with a Manchild of a partner.

Original poster

MilkshakeEarthquake · 22/04/2023 19:30

I try to convince myself that is the case but my child has been invited to something and will have to miss out as I have zero people that can watch my other kids, I feel sad for my child having to miss out at least a useless partner could watch them for an hour or two

OP posts:

rockingbird · 23/04/2023 07:11

I'm in a similar situation with two DC, no family around me and no one to take care of one child if the other needs to be somewhere else. I've also recently signed up to a local once a month evening meeting - which I currently can't attend as no one to have the children. I'm absolutely determined to get out and have some adult interaction so I'm hoping to find a sitter for ad-hoc situations (planned) so I can do this. I've found a local registered childminding group and have a couple of meets lined up to find someone suitable. DC are 10&11 so pretty self sufficient but absolutely wouldn't leave them home alone! Is this an option for you? A friend has also suggested having an older girl 15/16 yr old come and sit with them which I'm also exploring..

Flowersun6 · 23/04/2023 07:20

There are many factors like you mentioned it depends on your support network, how many children you have big difference from 2 kids to 4 kids.

Perhaps fathers are not involved but they do pay regular CMS. It's all relative OP. How long have you been a lone parent for?

Zippedydoo123 · 23/04/2023 14:53

I have never had family support except an elderly aunt moral support over the phone on a monthly basis during the primary years until she sadly died.. However ds dad was quite generous with access during the primary years but I did feel very low and depressed a lot of the time. Until d's became 12 then every passing year things gof easier and easier.

You just grow stronger as a person to be honest. The childminder was helpful if I ever needed to. ask questions or discuss anything.

It was the lack of socialising got to me when ds was younger. Nowhere to drop him off at.

Now d's is 18 I get a load more me time it is much better for me. Except for the cost of living crisis of course! That is the only real current stress.

Zippedydoo123 · 23/04/2023 14:55

MilkshakeEarthquake · 22/04/2023 18:02

Do you still love it and find it easier? I see lots of single mums saying how much they love it and how easier it is but I just can’t relate, I’ve just broken down in tears to my father because I am struggling so much, do the single parents that love it and find it easier have lots of support? Or what am I doing wrong

How many do you have op and what are their ages?

Ilikepinacoladass · 26/04/2023 06:59

MilkshakeEarthquake · 22/04/2023 19:30

I try to convince myself that is the case but my child has been invited to something and will have to miss out as I have zero people that can watch my other kids, I feel sad for my child having to miss out at least a useless partner could watch them for an hour or two

It depends how useless they are? I think the people saying it's easier without a partner are the ones who had bad relationships where the stress / resentment of it outweighed any benefits to them being there.

Ilikepinacoladass · 26/04/2023 07:01

It's obviously going to be easier if you have a loving and supportive partner though. It's the ones who were useless/ abusive/ a drain on money / etc who people love being without and find easier without x

Nhatasha · 26/04/2023 22:39

Hi I am reading all these posts and feeling a little better knowing that I am not on my own to find it hard sometimes. I split up from my partner of 13 years with who I have 2 children (8 and 5)
After having to live in a refuge for almost a year I finally got a nice house in a very nice area. I moved here a year ago and still haven't made any real friends. I find it really difficult to be so lonely. I have absolutely no support as no family around and was really hoping to build some meaningful connections here but I don't know if it's because of me and the fact that I'm shy or if it's because there are mainly families here. When I go to pickup the children at school most mums don't talk to me, a few are friendly but it feels like they are just being polite Most people knew from the beginning where we were coming from as my daughter told everybody that we were living in a safehouse before. I am doing my best to make my children happy but struggling being so lonely at times. I don't miss my partner as he was abusive and I do find it easier without him but am worried about the children if anything happened to me. I would really like to make a few friends here. I am trying to find a job hoping that I might meet new people but as am only available during school hours and can't work holidays it's really difficult. Is it me? Or the fact that as a single woman they feel I could be a threat to their family ? When I was with the father of the children I never felt this way

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 26/04/2023 22:55

My only support came from other single/divorced/widow mums, who had mostly no support and has little respite as I did but they understood and that was enough.

I am not going to say it has been easy but it has been much easier to raise my child alone than raising him alone with his dad’s presence constantly making things miserable.

There were times that were particularly hard but having a non negotiable bedtime routine made things easier when my child was very young and teaching him as an equal member of our two people team (his needs and mine are equally important) has been the cornerstone of the last 15 years.

Hold in there, it gets better..

Original poster

MilkshakeEarthquake · 26/04/2023 23:05

Thanks all yeah I guess it depends how many kids you have and other things I have 4 they are 11 10 8 and 5. I’ve noticed most people saying they find it easier have 1 or 2 so maybe that’s the difference. I have no family support I live 10 mins from my mum but she won’t help me and my father is a wheelchair user so isn’t able to. I have found the same about the mums at the school they are just not very friendly I’ve tried to make connections but it hasn’t worked, babysitting swaps unfortunately aren’t possible due to having 4 and like I said most other mums only have 1/2 so isn’t a fair “swap”

OP posts:

Original poster

MilkshakeEarthquake · 26/04/2023 23:06

Nhatasha · 26/04/2023 22:39

Hi I am reading all these posts and feeling a little better knowing that I am not on my own to find it hard sometimes. I split up from my partner of 13 years with who I have 2 children (8 and 5)
After having to live in a refuge for almost a year I finally got a nice house in a very nice area. I moved here a year ago and still haven't made any real friends. I find it really difficult to be so lonely. I have absolutely no support as no family around and was really hoping to build some meaningful connections here but I don't know if it's because of me and the fact that I'm shy or if it's because there are mainly families here. When I go to pickup the children at school most mums don't talk to me, a few are friendly but it feels like they are just being polite Most people knew from the beginning where we were coming from as my daughter told everybody that we were living in a safehouse before. I am doing my best to make my children happy but struggling being so lonely at times. I don't miss my partner as he was abusive and I do find it easier without him but am worried about the children if anything happened to me. I would really like to make a few friends here. I am trying to find a job hoping that I might meet new people but as am only available during school hours and can't work holidays it's really difficult. Is it me? Or the fact that as a single woman they feel I could be a threat to their family ? When I was with the father of the children I never felt this way

Exactly the same at my kids school the other parents just aren’t very friendly or welcoming I’ve been to parties etc and hoped that I would be able to make connections with the other mums but was mainly just ignored. I’ve given up.

OP posts:

Ilikepinacoladass · 29/04/2023 21:53

MilkshakeEarthquake · 26/04/2023 23:05

Thanks all yeah I guess it depends how many kids you have and other things I have 4 they are 11 10 8 and 5. I’ve noticed most people saying they find it easier have 1 or 2 so maybe that’s the difference. I have no family support I live 10 mins from my mum but she won’t help me and my father is a wheelchair user so isn’t able to. I have found the same about the mums at the school they are just not very friendly I’ve tried to make connections but it hasn’t worked, babysitting swaps unfortunately aren’t possible due to having 4 and like I said most other mums only have 1/2 so isn’t a fair “swap”

It's only easier if the alternative was being in a bad relationship/ useless or abusive partner. I don't think anyone would say it's easier to do it alone than with a supportive and loving partner, that just wouldn't make sense.

Yes there are always pros to be in a relationship, any relationship, like having a built in babysitter etc, but if the majority of the time they are miserable/ bad with money / nasty etc etc, it's going to be more stress and upset than it's worth.

AthenaPopodopolous · 29/04/2023 22:12

Yeah, I love it. No father on the scene so I don’t get time away from the kids at all but prefer it this way. I’m older so not interested in partying or nights out or time away from my babies.
Done that first time around with older kid tho when they went to dads at weekends. Swings and roundabouts isn’t it?

Juststopamoment · 01/05/2023 17:29

My support network is mainly other single parents who understand what it’s like. Could someone else whose child is already going take your child to the party? Does she have a best friend? Could you ask their parent?

MintJulia · 01/05/2023 17:58

OP, I feel for you, I have one ds and I love being a single mum. My ex morphed into 1950s man when ds was 4 days old, decided children were women's work and checked out.

After we left, life became so simple because I can cook easy food, put my ds first, not cope with a man moaning about sleep or nappies or food or sex. Now ds is older I can focus on him and my career. My ex doesn't get the chance to teach him bad attitudes or habits. I've never had a supportive partner so I can't comment on that.

But FOUR children, no way could I manage that. If you have coped with all four for the last five years, I salute you. 🤗

I had one issue with school gate mums. I'd invited a few of ds' friends for tea, (age 6) and had one of them ask me why DS didn't have a daddy (as his mum had told him). I laughed at him and said 'of course ds has a daddy, he's called xxx and he likes Manchester United' That stopped the snide gossip.

Just keep batting the comments back and keep your chin up. xx