Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Just don't know what to do

12 replies

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 10:15

First time poster please be kind...

So lone parent to 2 dc age 3 and 8 , no help from family or there df, he is around when it suits him but as much use as a chocolate teapot, if I don't let him see dc at my home they just won't see him, but when his here he constant picks at everything like what I'm feeding them ( 8yr old awaiting asd assessment so sensory issues), i should be doing more with them as in making them more independent, even when his here he sits on sofa watching phone and does nothing not even play, I admit I've enabled the position I'm in, due to previous childhood issues but sorry for the ramble my question is how can I change what's been the norm for past 8 years without him completely abandoning any relationship with my dc, they love him so much and i don't want to affect them negatively any help or advice would be greatly appreciated... thanks in advance xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CleaningOutMyCloset · 18/04/2023 10:19

I'd stop him coming into the home to see the dc.

If it means he doesn't get to see the dc then that's on him, he could take them to the park, McDonald's or soft play area. There's lots open to him if he wanted to.

Often men like him will use the opportunity to see the dc at home because it means they can still emotionally abuse the other parent. Your home is your safe space, don't let him invade this

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 10:21

He doesn't want to see the children, he just wants to continue to abuse you.

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 10:31

Thankyou for you're replies, I really do appreciate them, told him him he needs to take them somewhere even park just get told maybe, it never transpires, I just get I'm being crazy I didn't say that ...

Think I'm just so use to it being that way I'm to tired and exhausted to keep asking I feel mentally and physically ( have mobility issues) exhausted I don't know what do anymore got to the point where I feel like it's me with the problem and what's happening is normal

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 18/04/2023 10:35

Summer is coming, weather is improving he can take them to the park/ local pet farm etc. Where does he live?
Maybe make it about the dc not him. Say they need to have a different environment once a week. They are getting older and need to have new experiences. You might as well be still married having this guy come in and comment on your parenting/ house. He is completely out of order. Could you go out as soon as he arrives? Have a little break for yourself in a coffee shop or meet a friend so you don't need to listen to him. Remember you are the one rearing these children..don't take one word he says on board. He can't even manage to have a safe place to see them.

qpmz · 18/04/2023 10:40

Drop them off at his place?
You deserve break when he has them and you're not getting one.

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 10:44

I did actually say to him it's about the kids, they want to spend some time with you, he says his place is not suitable ( lives at home), but nieces and nephews go regularly,

Last time I took myself out I got as far as the end of the road and dd8 phoned crying asking me to come bk they're just not use to being away from me, even tried sitting upstairs he refused to feed them so then had i to will never let my children be hungry cause he won't feed dd8 her safe foods as they're not what he would eat

OP posts:

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 10:46

Unfortunately dropping them off is not an option I have no idea where he lives

OP posts:

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 10:49

And friends are a whole different story ( basically I have none) my life revolves around my children,

OP posts:

Namechange224422 · 18/04/2023 10:56

If you really want them to keep seeing him then I think that you’re thinking along the right lines - you just need to keep going and work out how to make it work for the kids.

So, next time he comes can you plan it for an afternoon? Feed the kids lunch before he arrives. Leave them a snack in the fridge which they can help themselves to.

Stay in the house if the kids are anxious about you going out but plan something nice for yourself. Adult film and snacks in your room? Long bath with wine? Phone catch up with your friend? Once that’s established as the routines you can start popping out for 10 mins, increasing the time.

Or next time he comes over suggest that you all go to the park together. Do that a couple of times with him. Then leave him wit kids in the park for 10 mins whilst you get a newspaper. Then walk to the park with them but don’t stay. Then start suggesting he takes them etc.

BUT, I would say that for me this would be too much babying. And in your position I would probably just hold firm with something reasonable (every other weekend, at times to suit him, outside the house) and let him drop contact if that was his choice.

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 11:04

Thankyou for you're suggestions

I'm going to try the babying approach maybe I'll get to have a bath without the ds3 throwing toys in the bath ( we can but hope) lol

He never plans just text 30 mins in advance but I think I can make it work with meals and building up the times I'm upstairs at least in the meantime

OP posts:

Namechange224422 · 18/04/2023 13:25

Good luck!! I hope it goes ok - you sound like a wonderful mum

Original poster

JustdontknoW2do · 18/04/2023 16:04

Thankyou we can but try

OP posts:

Flip