So alone

[Elsax]

There’s no real point to my post, just that I have no one, I need to get my feelings out but the only person I have is my baby. Excuse my rambling, there’s not gonna be any sort of format. Just all the feels.
I have never felt so alone, not really lonely, I’ve always enjoyed my own company, but since having DS 5 months ago, I have literally been abandoned by everyone. I thought I was in a loving relationship, but DS’s dad left us a few days after he was born for another woman. I had a few weeks of verbal abuse, he hates us both etc etc, and haven’t seen or heard from him since. I’m over that, DS has literally lit up my life like a shooting star, despite how hard it is on my own, and I haven’t wanted to waste a second on someone who could do and say what he has.
What I can’t get over is not one single person bothering with us since. My best friends came to meet DS when we were home the day after he was born, and that’s it. No visits since, no family have been at all. I get the odd comment on socials about how lovely he is and how much they love him, but it just upsets me cos HOW can you love him, or me, when I’ve not seen or heard barely a peep since I stopped making the effort to take him to see people. None of DS’s paternal family have met him. My family is small, only my brother and mum. My brother ignores me until he wants something. My mum is SO dismissive of me. I’ve cried tears of exhaustion and begged for a little bit of support, but after 5 months, I’ve given up. We go to see her every few days, but I just end up feeling drained because I feel like she patronises everything. The whole “well I did it and you were fine” thing is infuriating. And “everyone finds it tough”. She doesn’t seem to grasp that it’s tougher with no support. She had my dad, my grandparents, friends. I need just a little bit of gentleness. Obviously I love DS more than anything in the world. But it IS hard. He is EBF, still every 2 hours, refuses a bottle, I am trapped in my house scared to go out in case he needs a feed and there’s not a ‘safe space’ to do it. He doesn’t nap in the day, he is good at night, he will sleep most nights with just one wake for a feed. But I don’t get to bed until the small hours because I have to do washing, small bits of cleaning etc when he’s asleep because he cries so hard if my attention isn’t on him when he’s awake (not open to leaving him to cry, which my mum tells me to do).
We go to baby groups which are nice, but I see all the lovely mums and dads, and I just feel alone. My heart breaks for DS and the fact no one is interested. Is it me? What have I done to make everyone just forget about us? When I try and talk to my mum, I get upset (which I don’t think is unreasonable) and I just get told to go to the doctors because I obviously have PPD. I personally don’t think I do, I’m just hurting. Or do I, and I’m in denial? It’s such a vulnerable time after having a baby as it is, but I literally feel like the whole world has left us behind. I worry DS will be affected by it being just him and me. We don’t have much, I skip meals and prioritise what bills to pay, so I have the added money worries on top. I know it will get easier being a mum, but I don’t think I can ever forgive the people who were supposed to love us just abandoning us 😔 I am thankful for DS every day, the only thing that keeps me going is him, his smile beaming up at me when he wakes in the morning, and the overwhelming love and pride I feel for him. I can’t stop myself from wondering if he’d be better off without me as his mum 😞

I can't read and run
I'm a mum to a 7 month old and even with support and friends there have been days I've felt very alone. It's a very indescribable feeling. So with what you've described it's no wonder you feel alone because it sounds extremely lonely.
Couldn't say if you have PPD because I don't know you personally and medically.
Worth speaking to GP/midwife/health visitor?

So here I am ... validating how you feel. You're entitled to feel that way and even if you had everyone at your feet you could still feel that way. I wish I could befriend you...

At the groups, do you find any other mum friends? I'd start to put feelers out maybe?
Go to some weigh in groups, breast feeding groups and slowly maybe you'll make a new circle of friends and you can do get together etc
I can't advise on what to do for making time for chores etc... feels like an endless thankless task and I have a baby who I can leave for two mins on a mat to ply whilst I run around like a mad woman so I can understand that 'chore' pain.....
anyway I am now rambling. Basically.. I hear you and you sound like an AMAZING MUM ⭐️

He most definately would NOT be better off without you as his Mum. You sound like a inspiring and devoted Mum. Hats off to you, your'e doing an amazing job, one which is hard enough even if you have some support and you don't appear to have any. If you think seeing your Mum every few days isn't helping then maybe see her a bit less. If you are going there for some moral support and coming away feeling worse, that's not good. Have you thought about joining the Gingerbread charity which is there to support single parents.

It definitely is hard! All about survival at this stage. Leave the cleaning sleep is a priority. Make sure you're eating enough. Get out as much as poss and meet people, re breastfeeding don't stay in because of it, I realised quite early on that you just need to do it anywhere as is impossible to time outings with feeds at home, do it at a bus stop, sitting on treestump, anywhere. It gets easier I promise! I've been on my own with little one since he was 4 months. EBF too (still feeding now he's 3!) He did most naps in buggy or sling till 9 months and the walking/ being outside was really good for my mental health. X

You're doing a brilliant job. Your DS is so lucky to have you as his mum.

Oh I have been where you have and it was pretty fecking miserable. I would suggest joining any online (eg Facebook) groups in your area or general lone parent groups just so you have an outlet and can feel less alone. And that cliche is true, it does get better - my son and I became a team and did lots of fun stuff together when he was a little bit older. Keep it up you're doing great!

Have you tried a sling / carrier? Brilliant for getting things done around the house with them in it.

Oh, I hear you so loud and clear @Elsax and sending you a big hug 🤗.

What an absolute joke of a human he is and you're so right you're both far better without him. But the pain from family cuts deeps. My little one is 14months now and my brother still hasn't meet her and I've given up now. Though it's painful, I can still pour so much love into my life and I know in time you will be able to as well.

I get you on the judging mum thing too. I broke down in tears to my mum as she was always picking holes in EVERYTHING I did. I've decided to not visit her as much and create space but being able to set boundaries is really important. I'm listening to 'Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters' at the moment and it's so good. I just listen when out with the little one for a walk so nice and easy. Maybe you could pick it up too?

You've done such a huge step in sharing it hear and getting it off your chest - so often we suffer in silence and it's terrible holding onto it. Very proud of you and I think you're bloody well amazing for it too!

I live in an area with no friends too and what I have found useful is just going out doing things together helps me get social interactions. We've started baby swimming classes and nursery twice a week which gives me head space to try build some sort of social life - just don't ask me how I plan to do that haha.

My therapist has been amazing in helping me navigate through a lot of these tangled feelings and perhaps speaking to your GP or HV will be nice in getting you connected with other mums in your area.

If you have any hobbies see if you can find a way to still enjoy it. I love art so try to pop into art galleries and love the interactions with people & how much it fills me up too. It's important that you pour into your own cup when so many others in your life don't.

Sending you all the love from my little corner of the world and hope in time you find your power network of support, encouragement, and joy x