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Original poster

Would you reply to these messages from ex?

36 replies

NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 22:53

Ex and I have been separated 2 years, and are currently going through a divorce. We have three kids who live with me (he has them every other weekend and sees them once midweek too, more during school holidays). Every time he gets depressed or angry about something he starts sending me texts about how I don't communicate with him, everything is my fault, I am so unfair to him, his life has been ruined by me, he can't believe what I am doing....

Would you reply to him to spell out what was previously agreed between us at mediation or ignore his angry texts and give him more ammo that I am not communicating properly etc. I am just so fed up with this shit, I know he is finding it hard but the kids needs a calm and stable home with me (his behaviour and moods can be quite volatile and as a result his relationship with our eldest is pretty bad).

I worry about what to reply in texts/emails as if he does decide to take me to court could he use anything I say against me? (for this reason I have in the past ignored some of his messages not wanting to get drawn into angry conversations).

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 22:57

No, don't respond or communicate unless it is calm language and it is in regard to the children and his responsibilities towards them.
Grey rock everything else.

Goodread1 · 15/04/2023 23:06

I agree with @TomatoSandwiches
Totally

It's his own fault that things have turned total shit,

As he could have turned to reflection on his behaviour and what went wrong and self therapy
But OK to just carry on the way things are,

Nobody is perfect
But don't put up with crap 🙄 from him,

Ignore his man child woe poor me act 🎬...
Life is not easy for me,
Diddims...!

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:07

Thank you, I just worry that if he takes me to court (he seems to have changed his mind on everything we agreed about child arrangements do may week do) he'll then try to say I refuse to communicate with him and make me out to be a bad parent. He is so hard to talk to and reason with, he can be a real bully at times and I feel that I have zero voice around him. I had hoped two years after separating that things would be a bit easier but they aren't unfortunately.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 23:09

No, don’t give him the satisfaction.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:11

Goodread1 · 15/04/2023 23:06

I agree with @TomatoSandwiches
Totally

It's his own fault that things have turned total shit,

As he could have turned to reflection on his behaviour and what went wrong and self therapy
But OK to just carry on the way things are,

Nobody is perfect
But don't put up with crap 🙄 from him,

Ignore his man child woe poor me act 🎬...
Life is not easy for me,
Diddims...!

Thanks for your reply. I suppose after years of his self indulgence and how everyone has wronged him, I end up feeling guilty and sorry for him and feeling like I always need to explain myself and my decisions. I'm finding it hard to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over me.

Thankfully the children are so much more settled now that we don't live with him and I do hope his relationship will improve with them but again I get blamed for any issues there too.

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 15/04/2023 23:11

There is a difference between not communicating and communicating in an appropriate way to appropriate questions and problems though. The court will not expect you to reply to every thing he sends to you so no worry there.

Mothermummymum · 15/04/2023 23:12

Oh how I’ve been here…

The best thing to do is to not open the messages (if possible) and wait a day. Hopefully by that time he has calmed down and you can respond in a calm but direct way. It’s never great to reply instantly to messages like that, worth thinking about the response for a while..

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:13

NeverHadANickname · 15/04/2023 23:11

There is a difference between not communicating and communicating in an appropriate way to appropriate questions and problems though. The court will not expect you to reply to every thing he sends to you so no worry there.

Thank you. In these messages he has said that I have agreed to various things that I haven't. This is what has got me particularly wondering whether or not I reply and correct him or just ignore it. Am I essentially agreeing with him if I just ignore the messages?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:14

Mothermummymum · 15/04/2023 23:12

Oh how I’ve been here…

The best thing to do is to not open the messages (if possible) and wait a day. Hopefully by that time he has calmed down and you can respond in a calm but direct way. It’s never great to reply instantly to messages like that, worth thinking about the response for a while..

I received the messages yesterday but haven't done anything yet.

OP posts:
Mothermummymum · 15/04/2023 23:29

I would only respond to direct questions he’s asking. Everything else is just him ranting. Try to let his wild bullshit go over your head as that’s exactly what it is. By not addressing it you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing

Sittwritt · 15/04/2023 23:32

Whatever you do run not reply.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder if he’s behaving like this but NOT threaten suicide or another possible one if he’s threatening suicide is borderline personality disorder. They are both cluster B personality types in which they are perpetual victims and they have huge issues with abandonment mainly because their ugly personality type shoo s people away from them. They can not get better but you need to be educated as to what to expect as they are expert manipulators - ie with you feeling guilty already. You have to have very clear boundaries and only redound to pick io times emails. The other harassing emails are handy for DV should you need to take it up in court.

Grey rock, no response. It’s only a few years of this loser and then kids can choose who they live with at 16.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:36

Mothermummymum · 15/04/2023 23:29

I would only respond to direct questions he’s asking. Everything else is just him ranting. Try to let his wild bullshit go over your head as that’s exactly what it is. By not addressing it you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing

Thank you, he's very good at twisting things so I know by not replying he will take it that I am agreeing which I am certainly not!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 15/04/2023 23:42

Sittwritt · 15/04/2023 23:32

Whatever you do run not reply.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder if he’s behaving like this but NOT threaten suicide or another possible one if he’s threatening suicide is borderline personality disorder. They are both cluster B personality types in which they are perpetual victims and they have huge issues with abandonment mainly because their ugly personality type shoo s people away from them. They can not get better but you need to be educated as to what to expect as they are expert manipulators - ie with you feeling guilty already. You have to have very clear boundaries and only redound to pick io times emails. The other harassing emails are handy for DV should you need to take it up in court.

Grey rock, no response. It’s only a few years of this loser and then kids can choose who they live with at 16.

Thank you, certain traits of narcissistic personality disorder seem to fit, certainly around the difficulty handling critisim. Any time I don't agree with him it is seen as highly critical and a personal attack.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 15/04/2023 23:50

The things that he says you have agreed to, do you have the actual correct agreement in writing?
If you do I would just send a photo of that, can't argue with actual evidence. Any changes you actually make ensure you do it in writing and screenshot it so that you have a record.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 16/04/2023 00:00

Singleandproud · 15/04/2023 23:50

The things that he says you have agreed to, do you have the actual correct agreement in writing?
If you do I would just send a photo of that, can't argue with actual evidence. Any changes you actually make ensure you do it in writing and screenshot it so that you have a record.

I have what we agreed to at meditation in writing from the mediator but these extra things he has just made up!

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 16/04/2023 00:05

Do not reply. But save every single communication from him.

Singleandproud · 16/04/2023 00:08

OK so message him that you want any changes or additions to the contact schedule 7 days in advance in writing in whichever medium you use and you will let him know if the children's schedule is free.

If he is a safe person for the children to be with don't be too hasty in turning down sensible requests, family Bbq, grandparents birthdays etc as sometime in the future you will want some flexibility for holidays etc but anything last minute I would turn down.

If he isn't safe which I'm not sure about from your description but it doesn't sound great I would perhaps be more strict with the agreed schedule.

Any changes that you make that become regular instead of one offs could be used as the status quo and get put into formal arrangements.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 16/04/2023 07:09

Singleandproud · 16/04/2023 00:08

OK so message him that you want any changes or additions to the contact schedule 7 days in advance in writing in whichever medium you use and you will let him know if the children's schedule is free.

If he is a safe person for the children to be with don't be too hasty in turning down sensible requests, family Bbq, grandparents birthdays etc as sometime in the future you will want some flexibility for holidays etc but anything last minute I would turn down.

If he isn't safe which I'm not sure about from your description but it doesn't sound great I would perhaps be more strict with the agreed schedule.

Any changes that you make that become regular instead of one offs could be used as the status quo and get put into formal arrangements.

This is one of my (many) worries @Singleandproud , that he will try to make any changes regular and will be used as part of the status quo instead of one offs. Since our separation if he does something once he tries to then do it again and again, his latest thing is turning up at the family home on my weekends and staying for a few hours (we still own it jointly as haven't agreed the split of finances yet so he knows he can legally do this. Mediation is ongoing for our finances so I'm hoping we can come to an agreement and sell the house in the next few months). He's done it before with the kids activities, turning up at things he never had any interest in for example our youngest plays sport on a Tuesday. Ex started turning up, then leaving a few minutes before the end with our other children, driving them back to the family home and just letting himself in (whilst I am still at the activity, waiting for it to finish so I can take youngest home). He would then hang around, whilst I make the kids' dinner (the kids then always invite him to stay for dinner so I end up having to cook extra for him) and he's now started wanting to put them to bed here after dinner which is just confusing the youngest. I can't wait to have a home where he can't set foot in it unless I invite him in.

There has never been any issue of physical abuse but there has been emotional. Our eldest has particularly suffered from this over the years and their relationship is really stained. Eldest's mental health has really improved since his Dad moved out, but he still finds the situation hard and often doesn't want to see his Dad.

On the whole I am happy for him to ask for extra one off contact for things like family birthdays, bbq's/parties etc. as generally the children enjoy it with his family. The problem with him is that he rarely asks in advance, for example he might ring about something in the morning and I would say yes that's not a problem, pick them up at 2pm. Then later on in the day I get home at 1pm from wherever I have been with the kids to find him there at the house an hour early, on the sofa watching TV, eating my food etc. just assuming he can do at he likes and that I can't have any boundaries.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 08:06

NeedSleepNow · 16/04/2023 07:09

This is one of my (many) worries @Singleandproud , that he will try to make any changes regular and will be used as part of the status quo instead of one offs. Since our separation if he does something once he tries to then do it again and again, his latest thing is turning up at the family home on my weekends and staying for a few hours (we still own it jointly as haven't agreed the split of finances yet so he knows he can legally do this. Mediation is ongoing for our finances so I'm hoping we can come to an agreement and sell the house in the next few months). He's done it before with the kids activities, turning up at things he never had any interest in for example our youngest plays sport on a Tuesday. Ex started turning up, then leaving a few minutes before the end with our other children, driving them back to the family home and just letting himself in (whilst I am still at the activity, waiting for it to finish so I can take youngest home). He would then hang around, whilst I make the kids' dinner (the kids then always invite him to stay for dinner so I end up having to cook extra for him) and he's now started wanting to put them to bed here after dinner which is just confusing the youngest. I can't wait to have a home where he can't set foot in it unless I invite him in.

There has never been any issue of physical abuse but there has been emotional. Our eldest has particularly suffered from this over the years and their relationship is really stained. Eldest's mental health has really improved since his Dad moved out, but he still finds the situation hard and often doesn't want to see his Dad.

On the whole I am happy for him to ask for extra one off contact for things like family birthdays, bbq's/parties etc. as generally the children enjoy it with his family. The problem with him is that he rarely asks in advance, for example he might ring about something in the morning and I would say yes that's not a problem, pick them up at 2pm. Then later on in the day I get home at 1pm from wherever I have been with the kids to find him there at the house an hour early, on the sofa watching TV, eating my food etc. just assuming he can do at he likes and that I can't have any boundaries.

Show quote history

I think you need to stick to what was agreed at mediation and no to everything else as he abuses your boundaries so frequently.

Singleandproud · 16/04/2023 08:21

Aaah sharing the house and him just walking in is doing none of you any favours.

I agree once you have your own place and put those boundaries in place it will be much better. I never had that situation and ex has never been in my house that is one boundary I've always maintained.

Once he moves on and gets himself a girlfriend most of that behaviour will stop, he is basically a big Tom cat asserting himself into his territory.

Next, time he goes to watch a sports practice and goes to take the other children home, say "sorry we have plans after this" and keep them with you. Go to a drive through and get an ice cream if it's not too late. Keep doing it until he gets the hint.

If he invites himself for dinner, or the children do it's "sorry, I've already planned our meal and there isn't enough. You'll see daddy in x days say bye.

Putting them to bed in your house is a no, but he could read them a bedtime story over face time 3 times a week etc.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 16/04/2023 08:33

Singleandproud · 16/04/2023 08:21

Aaah sharing the house and him just walking in is doing none of you any favours.

I agree once you have your own place and put those boundaries in place it will be much better. I never had that situation and ex has never been in my house that is one boundary I've always maintained.

Once he moves on and gets himself a girlfriend most of that behaviour will stop, he is basically a big Tom cat asserting himself into his territory.

Next, time he goes to watch a sports practice and goes to take the other children home, say "sorry we have plans after this" and keep them with you. Go to a drive through and get an ice cream if it's not too late. Keep doing it until he gets the hint.

If he invites himself for dinner, or the children do it's "sorry, I've already planned our meal and there isn't enough. You'll see daddy in x days say bye.

Putting them to bed in your house is a no, but he could read them a bedtime story over face time 3 times a week etc.

The times I have done that saying we have plans after an activity he gets upset, sometimes crying in front of the children telling them how much he misses them and that he is being made unwelcome in his own house. Then I am made out to be the bad guy and the kids think I am being mean, upsetting their Dad, that I have kicked him out of his home. This has been going on for 2 years now, I had hoped by now he would have accepted the situation a bit more but he still won't accept that I was the one to leave him.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 08:34

Dont react to the crying. Just point out how incredibly manipulative it is. Then remind him of the order. Tell him generally as little as possible about your life.

Sittwritt · 16/04/2023 08:38

Oh god Goodness sake. Listen with 3 kids he’s going to face to pet maintenance. So get out of the house and rent it or even just rent somewhere else. No blame divorce should ho through in a few weeks.. seriously stop this moper in his tracks.

Crying in front of kids? Poor abandoned sob story. He’s a cluster B OP, no doubt about it. What he is doing is control because he can. When you do get a plan in place mark my words: he will then have late nights, won’t get able there pick them up, yadda yadda. It’s all control. Emotional abuse is.

euff · 16/04/2023 08:49

Can you keep a diary of all this OP? He is a piece of work. I hope it's not much longer for you to get the finances sorted. Are you able to be anywhere else on weekends so when he lets himself in you aren't there or can you invite anyone around such as members of your family or kids friends for play dates?

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 16/04/2023 09:00

Having people over for playdates, family over etc. won't deter him @euff . He's wanted to come round before when the kids have their friends over and can't understand why I say no. I have started keeping a diary a few months ago, I had wished I did it sooner.

@Sittwritt , I have applied for divorce and it won't be much longer until that is all finalised. He has been renting a flat for a long time now but still tells everyone that this is his house, I threw him out, he is unwelcome here etc. I think he genuinely thinks he can live in his rented place but just come and go here as he pleased despite the fact I pay the mortgage and all bills for the house. He thinks the child maintenance he pays, pays the mortgage and towards the bills as it 'all goes on the same pot'. I keep reiterating to him that he contributes towards the children's costs and I pay for the house but I don't think he'll ever understand that.

You're absolutely right about it being about control for him. He can't stand anyone telling him what he can and can't do and he hates the fact that I can say no. He has always wanted to control and micromanage every aspect of the children's lives and mine so I know he hates not being in full control of everything now.

OP posts:
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