Mediation with a narcissist

[thethreemuskateers]

My 4 year old son expressed he was unhappy with overnight stays at his Dads house (Backstory he was sleeping in the dining room on a sofa bed alone) everyone else upstairs. My ex dismissed his claims as making it up, didn’t know where it had came from.

I stopped overnight stays as he’s waiting educational physiologist assessment and counselling.

My ex has arranged mediation it was our first appointment today he’s spent the whole appointment lying, he told the mediator he had asked to see our son every weekend and I had refused. This isn’t the case he’s to see him 2 weekends out of 7.

Also lied about his living arrangements for legal aid and benefit purposes.

I’m so annoyed and ready to throw the towel in. Is it possible to mediate with a narcissist?

Hybrid mediation is thought to be an option
Not in the same room
Mediator goes back and forth between you

I don't know what to suggest to you. I'm sorry that you're also dealing with a narcissist, they seem to be everywhere.
My soon to be exDP is a narcissist but he's also a lazy bugger and loves to play the victim, so once I make my escape with my DS he'll be bleating about me being the terrible woman who took his son away but won't actually want contact if that makes sense.
They are so destructive and dysfunctional. It sounds like with the sleeping arrangements that he could be scapegoating your DS because he can no longer get to you.

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

In my experience not only is it not possible, it's HUGELY harmful for the other person if they've been a victim of the narcissist.

In mediation (and couples therapy!) the mediator sees each party as equal. But if you're the victim of a narcissist you're not equal. The entire experience is like being gaslit. It's like you're both seen as standing in the middle of a football field, but he's actually standing in his goal and you've been pulled more than halfway into his side. The mediator thinks - and treats you both like - you're standing at the little centre circle, toe to toe. So you can't make yourself properly understood, while he's sitting comfortable, even when he's appearing to be the biggest victim in the victim history of victims.

And if all that weren't bad enough, because of your relative positions and where the mediator thinks you are, the mediator ends up inadvertently supporting the narcissist. Meaning it him and the mediator effectively against you, with the mediator believing they're treating you fairly, and if you imply they're not, it supports whatever he's claiming. Honestly, the experience of that broke something in me that's not been repaired. It was one of the worst things I've ever done.

The only way I'd say it could work was if you were in separate rooms and the person representing you had years of experience with people like your ex, so could spot the games. That's the only condition and even then, I'd say it's risky if he's someone who comes across as so very reasonable.

Thank you, I had my second session on Thursday and I suggested he has our son one night a week at the house he claimed to still rent last week. Only this week he know longer has that house.

He said his partners children sleep out 3-4 nights a week so I suggested he could have there bed he then said they don’t always sleep out.

He kept going on about how his friend had a town house and veering off the subject of our son being scared.

I ended up leaving the zoom session around 30 minutes in and I’ve told the mediator it’s impossible to mediate.