Cant cope and feel like ending it

[Mumoflil1]

I don't know who will see this but as a single parent I am struggling so much mentally and physically. Today I thought about ending it all and I am so ashamed to say, but being a lone parent feels like a prison and death sentence. Its impossible for me to enjoy my kids or to be the parent I want to be.

i have two kids, one is autistic and for the last 6 months I've had to deal with back to back illness, if it's not one, it's the other or it's me. For about 6 months if one kid isn't waking me at night it's the other. I don't think I've had more than 4/5 hours sleep for at least 4 years. I look awful,y skin is grey, my hair is like straw, I feel awful and struggle to even think.

My kids aren't babies either, they are four and and ten!

Tonight, I feel hopeless. The ten year old has woken me up three times because his tooth is hurting. A week ago, he was waking me up in the middle of the night because he was ill for over a week. I know he can't help it but it feels like a cruel joke. I literally get no let up and it's torture.

I work full time, I barely ever have time to eat, I don't sleep and i am physically and mentally exhausted. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I just can't go on and things only ever get worse.

Added to that, despite working hard and getting a promotion, I'm struggling with the fact that in the last two years, my monthly outgoings have increased by £400+ per month due to rent increases, energy, food etc. I don't go anywhere, I don't buy clothes for myself. I am stuck, I cant even move to a cheaper city because my autistic son can't deal with change, I rely on family every now again and he has great educational support here that I can't risk moving away from.

I feel so stuck and just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to hate the fact that I even have kids and I feel like an awful person for having these thoughts but where the hell does this all end?

You must be so exhausted. Really feel for you. I don’t have any advice except you sound amazing. You are achieving so much and it will get better x

You will mean so much to your children x

i don’t have anything else helpful to add . Sorry .

it sounds hard

This all sounds very tough and relentless and I totally understand how you’d be feeling wrung out and very low. Can your family give you a bit of emergency respite just so you can get a couple of nights’ full sleep? Sending hand holds, you’re doing a fantastic job for your kids and I hope you get the support you need. x

Hi Op
I am sure there is support online groups on mumsnet and elsewhere you can talk to other mothers/parents in same/similar situations as yourself,

I don't know how old your children are?

Could you ask children social services to find out about what kinds of support is available for you to have respite care for Autistic children,?

Also can you find out at your children's school do they have support available for children with Autustic needs ?

Is your child being officially diagnosed as Autistic,?

Have you got any family members who could you support and any family members on your ex partners side of your family who could support help you?

I know social services used to provide a childminder for few/ hours for me to have a break on a regular basis,for e.g

Dear Op
my username will tell you how close to my heart this sleep problem is.
That you have managed this on your own whilst working full time is not short of a miracle!

I know how it feels to be about to give up due to lack of sleep it is absolute torture.

does your child have any other health issues? My son does not have autism but learning difficulties and adhd, his doctor is amazing and helped us find the right medication to help with sleep.

are you in contact with social services? I would let them know what you’re going through, you urgently need respite.

plesse talk to people in real life about this. Don’t suffer alone.

@Mumoflil1
That sounds incredibly hard to be doing all this on your own and working full time.
Please reach out to family and friends let them know you're struggling.
Many people will see you going it all and just think you're great at juggling it all but don't really see what's going on.
As pp said even social services might be able to offer you some respite care. Are you still under the care of the HV for your 4 Yr old? Maybe they can suggest something.
Are the children's father around can he help out more?
You need help, please don't end it all. You are exhausted physically and mentally this is why you feel like this. Please seek help you sound like a fantastic Mum and I'm sure your situation can be improved upon by getting the right help.

I really feel for you. Could you maybe take some annual leave whilst they're at school and just have some time to yourself so you can rest and sleep?

Is their Dad in the picture? Is he paying anything?

Hey OP, I just want to say I absolutely hear you and there's no need to feel ashamed at all about how you are feeling. If I'm honest, that's exactly how I'm feeling. Like I just can't go on and it's not because there's anything wrong with us or we aren't trying hard enough - it's because the system is so incredibly flawed and the society we live in continues to reward patriarchy and punish women.

You are incredible but you're also human and you take it all on & at the end of it, you've not got much to show or even a spare day for yourself - it's no surprise you feel like this.

If you can do speak to your GP or see if there are any support networks for others parents in your situation, especially raising a child with additional support needs. I finally made an appointment at the GP and my little one is younger so I still have HV contact and she's coming out to visit me on Thursday. Also, have an appointment with the Community Mental Health Nurse and hoping to get some support through the rougher days.

It's so tough but remember you are amazing & it's not you but the fecking inequality women are made to endure.

Sending you lots of hugs and hope things get better soon but if they don't I hope there are moments of joy to help you push on to that day when it's easier.

🌻🤗✨ x

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. It really does mean a lot. @HealingMe I fully agree. I honestly think things have become so much harder in the last year and a bit, not just cost of living but even the stress of getting a doctors appointment when you or the little ones are ill, the pharmacies running out of antibiotics and the wait to even get a dentist appointment. It's suffocating.
@HoleyShit honestly I think I have terrible luck, I've tried to book a few days off as annual leave for myself here and there since Xmas but each time, either I've been sick on planed leave days or one of the kids have been sick. Which is strange as until last year, my eldest never had a day off I'll from school. It seems like my youngest is constantly bringing nursery bugs home that just wipe us out. I've booked some leave for myself in the summer though and hoping to finally get a break then when the lurgies drop off.
@Thedogscollar Their dad lives in another town, 100 miles away (family life was too dull for him) so he only sees the kids once per month but does pay a small amount each month (which is all now swallowed up by higher costs of everything).
@Goodread1 thanks for your suggestions I will definitely speak to social services, I hadn't thought of that. He is diagnosed. @SleepQuest33 will also try to speak to my doctor about sleep too.

Honestly, it just feels so hard. Not having anyone to talk to who actually understands is most hard. Friends and family are well meaning but never see me as struggling because on the outside, I just get on with it, I don't break down in tears and I try to stay positive and not burden anyone with my problems. So, they can't wrap their heads around how broken I am and how guilty I feel about not being able to be the mum I want to be. So, thank you all for being understanding, I really don't have that Irl despite the best intentions of family and friends. X

The mum you want to be isn't as heroic as the one you are being. This is the version of you to be most proud of (and your children will be too).

The bugs will pass - it sounds horrendous with a lack of sleep piled on too.

Can you reduce your hours? Even an afternoon off could allow you sleep time. Full time could wait until the youngest is at school. Perhaps there's financial support that would top your wages up.

I was going to suggest reducing your hours too OP but it sounds like you may be in a private rented house?

Can you go through CMS for a decent amount of money?

You are entitled to DLA I should think for your child with Autism.

Sorry pressed post too soon.
I have a child with a disability too and found Children's Services to be very helpful, they knew of resources that I had never heard of.
I get how utterly exhausting it is x

It doesn’t end… but how you handle will get better and you will come out the other side x

You sound like you are an amazing mum, but you need some support for a break and some more rest. Working full time as a lone parent is hard. Lean on your friends and family, or ask for help from your dc’s friends family. People in your community will help if they can and you let them know you need it. It will make things feel better.