Hi all,
My ex sees his daughter once a fortnite, this has moved to overnight (sat through to sun) around 2 months ago.
Backstory -
We broke up and my daughter and I were rehomed for our own safety - because of him. Over a long period of time he was aggressive and shouted alot. He would manipulate and lie constantly. Making living with him awful. I'd try to leave but get threats of him killing himself etc. Police were involved on one big occasion as were social services/family workers. An incident occured in which he hurt our baby in the heat of the moment. Not the first time but the first recorded by police. They told me he would be arrested for common assault to a minor and off we went to temporary accommodation. He's a teacher. Presumably because of his job , first offence , who knows. They didn't go back and arrest him like they said. Social services were involved , they made him do courses. They suggested someone be a supervisory for a while if he was to see daughter. His mum (she's useless too and enables his behaviour by finding reasons why it's acceptable and refuses to believe her son is capable of harm) became a supervisory. Until, a few incidents happened. Ex was using drop offs as an excuse to rage at me. Daughter came home severely dehydrated (fontanelle visually drooping ), fed cheese when lactose intolerant and it was clear his mental health was all over the place. Social said to refuse care temporarily and suggest he seeks legal advice/take me to court. My solicitor feels it's an an easy win for me however police not following through isn't perticular helpful and I don't really want to do this. It's also not my responsibility to take him to court.
Over 4 months pass with no contact from him. He reached out on the morning of her first birthday eventually via email to which I dropped everything to allow him to see her. He stayed for 20mins and showed up with no gift which seems sad to me. He told me he hadn't actually got legal advice and it's his mum who wanted to take me to court. It's clear he hasn't got that desire. He said he'd like to see her maybe once every now and again. I agree as long as I was the supervisory in a public place. whilst my anxiety was shot from doing this , I'm the only one who can guarantee her welfare. This went ok , few hiccups like forgetting wet wipes and nappies but nothing awful. After some time I agree that he could take her on his own at public places and I would pick up after. Social services were ok with this as long as I was ok she was safe. Most occasions were straightforward except swimming in which his inexperience and inability to have any common sense with young children was clear. Lifeguard got involved as did another mother as he was well out of his depth and putting daughter at risk, she took on water and it was just disastrous. All recorded and I told him that it was too advanced for him and to keep it simple. Agreed. Moved on.
Few more sessions and he moved on to having her unsupervised. I'm beyond stressed but nothing major has happened in a while and ultimately it would be good for daughter to have relationship with dad. Move onto once overnight once a fortnite , few hiccups recorded but nothing major.
Two overnight sessions have passed and I've been told that he's choosing to play sports on the Saturday he has her. He does this weekly. I did ask when setting up the overnight sessions , what would happen since it was mid season. He assured me daughter came first and he'd just play once a fortnite and spend quality time with her. I've found out now that he's still playing and she was put in a buggy with his mum at the sidelines whilst he plays. She's 1.5years old and hates being confined. I barely use the buggy , she can walk well. There's no park or green area to play on. She's just sat there in very cold conditions as it's February. I wasn't best pleased as I thought we'd agreed she would enjoy her day and that he was spending time with her. She isn't benefiting at all by being stuck in a buggy. I offered to take her back for the half day so she's warm and doing something with me and he can continue to play. Hes refused. But he's refusing not to play. So I asked if his mum could plan something inside for her perhaps. I feel like it's his responsibility to ensure she's not out in the cold and providing appropriate alternatives should he choose to waste time with her. He eventually ( after getting angry at me) agreed. He also mentioned his mental health is so bad he has to play which has put a red flag up and got me worried. Personally I'd have thought seeing your toddler would have been more beneficial but each to their own.
I really feel like his efforts since taking his little girl overnight have dropped significantly. Recently he dropped her back in leggings and a t shirt. No socks no jumper. It's frosty and 7am. He dressed himself in jumper and jacket. I addressed this and he said he was stressed as drop off was earlier than usual. I feel that's a poor excuse but we move on. He is a teacher and has 14 days coming up off for easter. He's mentioned in the past about potentially spending extra time with her on holidays. I've questioned it recently but he's not pursued it. Again sort of shows me his lack of effort and desire to see her. I think contact it's mainly driven by his mother rather than him. Truthfully , if she wasn't around , I think hed only see her birthdays, Xmas and holidays....he himself told me this before she was involved.
Fast forward to now - he's still seeing her once a fortnite as above. Lack of effort in my eyes but nothing to really show social or anyone in perticular and I don't think I'd want to stop contact. Although I don't feel she's getting an awful lot out of it , some relationship is better than none or is it?
The biggest issue , is her routine. Its absolutely shattered every time she sees him. He has never understood the importance of routine for our little one..baring in mind she's had lots of big changes, it's paramount. I've also been told she's advanced and that routine is very important to her at this age. When she comes home , she closes the front door on him and is straight into my arms. For the following few days , she's glued to me. I can't even go to the bathroom without her there. She wants cuddles and reassurance constantly. She wants attention and to be played with all the time. If I don't , she acts up and gets upset / frustrated. Not sure if this is lack of attention at his ( he used to be glued to his phone , never once did I see him read to her , play on the floor or even sing to her. He would ignore her when coming in from work , so I don't know if thats still the case) or is it just that she misses me.
On top of this , her nap and bedtime goes to a shambles. It takes me another week to get it back , just for him to ruin it again the following weekend. When she came back this week , she was so all over the place , she didn't fall asleep until 5am and then 2am the next night. I know damn well he's not giving her proper nap times, it's so evident. Problem is , you just can't talk to him. He turns into an argument or lies. Any suggestions? I'm half tempted to take back the overnight session but it will cause so much drama. But this currently is doing any good for little one or even me.