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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When did you allow DCs to stay overnight

16 replies

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 14:08

Posting for some opinions if possible!

Some back story, DH and I seperated last year. We have twins who are now 16 months old.

Split was not amicable, infidelity and lots of poor behaviour on DHs part but he is not a risk to me or the DCs. He chose to return to be closer to his family so lives 1.5 hours away which is part of the issue.

The twins have spent the day back with Dad and his family in their home. I have no concerns about the fact they are very well cared for and looked after when they are with DH and his family. I have some concerns about DHs capability to manage them both on his own (they're both very quick on their feet and at that age where they're into everything and fearless!) but so long as he has family with him he'd be fine.

They have a very good sleep routine which I am loathe to break, but I do recognise that they need to bond with their Dad and currently only see him for a few hours once a week and it's possibly not enough.

When did you allow DCs to stay away over night without you? Part of me feels they're too young, the other part of me recognised a break might do me good and it may benefit them to start this sooner rather than later...

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

OurCrazyHouseIsFullOfLove · 14/03/2023 14:14

As long as they're looked after and cared for then id say now?
Maybe start 1 night a fortnight for now then a whole weekend a fortnight. Fri to sun.?

Original poster

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 15:18

Thanks.... a weekend feels huge. But perhaps a night we can arrange. Ex-DH needs to buy some travel cots so ill discuss with him

OP posts:

Ibouncetothebeat · 14/03/2023 15:30

When I split with my DH a weekend seemed huge! We began with a few hours building up to an overnight a fortnight after a couple of months. Plus I was still breastfeeding, it was awful to begin with but you get used to it. Try to keep busy when they are away and you will come to enjoy the little break even if it’s just to do the shopping and washing in peace.

I don’t know how I would manage if he ever asked for 50/50!

Original poster

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 15:33

Glad it's not just me! I feel like I "should" be chomping at the bit to have a break/guaranteed nights sleep, but I know I'll feel lost. I work full time so the weekends with the twins feel precious... even if tiring!

Good tip re making plans and keeping busy. Thankyou x

OP posts:

Sanch1 · 14/03/2023 15:37

At the time of our split my girls were just turned 1 and 4. They went every other weekend for 2 nights from the start.

justpoppingtotheshops · 14/03/2023 19:46

I have twins. Separated when they were one. But in my case - living situation aside - he doesn't have suitable accommodation / I know ex h couldn't cope with them and didn't have family around to help. I'm not putting them in that situation with his short temperedness and lack of patience as well as grumpiness on lack of sleep. It's not fair to them So I'm Not expecting for him to have them overnight until they start school as a minimum.

justpoppingtotheshops · 14/03/2023 19:48

Also mine were out of travel cots by about 18-20 months - as they could climb out - so he needs to have a more permanent sleeping solution available

Dartmoorcheffy · 14/03/2023 19:53

These men who "can't cope". I'm damn sure they could if they had to. I see too many martyrs on here who excuse their exes on these grounds. Let them bloody get on with it. (Obviously if they are exes for domestic violence or have serious drink or drug issues then that's a different matter)

So what if they rope their mothers in, that's the children's grandparent.

TryingHard1990 · 14/03/2023 20:05

As soon as we split up so 4 year old abd 21 month old. For first 4 months whoever had kids stayed in family home with them. It worked out 2 nights a week I was at my mums.

when he got his new place he had them there.

gettingolderbutcooler · 14/03/2023 20:17

t 6 months with my cousin. And once a month from then! They have always been super sociable and chilled!

Original poster

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 21:07

Hadn't considered them being able to jump/push the travel cots over already?! @justpoppingtotheshops

OP posts:

Original poster

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 21:10

@Dartmoorcheffy totally agree with you on the fact they have to rope their family in if needs be and that's the condition upon which I'd agree to it. Hed be taking the twins to stay at his parents.

It's not about being a martyr though, ultimately I don't want to put my children in a situation where they become distressed because they're with someone who they aren't as familiar with, in an environment they're not as used to, with someone who isn't used to managing them both on their own. They are still very young and unable to vocalise their needs so it's about responding to their cues and when there's two screaming it is a challenge, even if you're used to it day in day out. Whilst on one hand I would love ex-DH to experience the challenge I experience daily, I don't want the twins to have to get to the point they're so upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

OJbreakfasttime · 14/03/2023 21:11

TryingHard1990 · 14/03/2023 20:05

As soon as we split up so 4 year old abd 21 month old. For first 4 months whoever had kids stayed in family home with them. It worked out 2 nights a week I was at my mums.

when he got his new place he had them there.

That's an interesting way of doing it and must have been much easier for DC not having to get used to new surroundings straight away. How did you find him being in the house?

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 14/03/2023 21:15

From day 1, he is their dad

SpinningFloppa · 14/03/2023 21:24

Never. my ex has never had them overnight since we split as he has never wanted to. I would have given anything for it and wouldn’t have minded how young!

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 14/03/2023 21:28

Split when 3.5 & 4 months. Youngest went after she turned 3. Oldest went in school hols straightaway.

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