So I'm just going to try and keep this short and sweet.
I share two children with my ex-husband.
He put me through absolute hell and months of emotional manipulation and bullying after he walked out on me during my second pregnancy.
We do seem on a more stable path now.
My youngest child, the one I was pregnant with when he walked out, is now two and my ex has asked to have him overnight.
There were reasons in the past by overnights didn't happen with the youngest, not reasons I really want to share on here. No safeguarding issues.
I am obviously going to agree to him staying overnight with his older brother. I would never withhold contact. I know that this is best for him. I know that despite what he put me through and the person I know he is, both of my sons deserve to have access to their dad.
I am however finding myself in a real dark place. When my eldest started staying overnight with his dad it was very difficult but I was pregnant with my youngest so I never really felt alone. I think it felt a little bit more natural as well because with my eldest his dad had lived with us before he left. So I already felt like we shared in.
Whereas with my youngest I have very much done everything on my own. And I'm finding it very hard to let go of this piece of him. I've spent the last two years in constant state of fear of his dad taking him away, just like he used to threaten to take him away from me when I was pregnant and when he was a newborn. This dark cloud of fear is followed me and been a constant in every single thing that I've done in my life since then. I just feel absolutely heartbroken at the thought of waking up and him not being there. I haven't missed anything. I gave birth to him on my own, I fed him on my own, I've been to every appointment, I've dedicated everything I have to both of my children and the pain of them being away from me just isn't getting any easier and I don't know how to process this grief with my youngest now staying overnight.
I'm not a helicopter mum. I'm not controlling. I just thought that I would be able to be present with my children are not after wave goodbye to them does that make sense?
Has anyone else felt like this?
For context they don't stay overnight all that much so I know that I'm extremely lucky to still spend the majority of time with them. This just obviously isn't what I thought I was signing up for when I fell pregnant with both of my children. It just seems so unfair that I dad who can just walk out when he wants, sees them what he wants, decides when things are suitable for him, and I just have to go along with it and deal with the loss that's forced on me.