SICK SINGLE PARENT WITH AUTISTIC SON - HELP!

[LondonLupie1984]

The last 6 days I've been battling a nasty stomach bug which has literally knocked me sideways. My son's father opted out of coparenting last year, my emotionally unavailable mother lives conveniently overseas, so that meant I had to rely on my small circle of friends to help me out this week.

Whilst the diarrhoea and vomiting was happening, I also had to do nursery runs (my friends helped where they could), and had to do the usual mum stuff when I could muster the energy. Honestly, it's been a shit show. I have been so ill I've lost 7kg, was dehydrated to the point I ended up in an ambulance and spent the night in hospital on an IV drip. My friends/cousin took turns having him whilst I was recovering.

To top everything off, since I've been home, I've been incredibly short tempered with my autistic toddler which I feel awful about. He's non-verbal and at an age where he's very whiney, demanding and has tantrums at the drop of a hat. Normally I can deal with it, but where I've been feeling so ill and weak, I've been snappy and shouting at him. I feel like I'm letting my boy down.

Right now, I'm looking around my room and it's chaos. I haven't done any housework in a week and the washing basket is filled to the brim and I just don't have the energy to tackle it right now. My mother thinks messaging me via WhatsApp is a suitable alternative to being present to help, but it's not. She's never been there for me really... her idea of motherhood is performative at best. Just feeling like maybe I'm not cut out for this single mum life? I don't think I have what it takes to be the mum my boy deserves.

You poor thing. You've been very unwell. Anyone would feel exhausted and at the end of their tether after what you've been through.

The tidying and cleaning the house can wait until you feel strong enough. Perhaps stick a load of washing on every couple of dsys so you have clean clothes without doing a huge amount of laundry in one go.

What's your financial situation? Could you pay a cleaner to come in for a couple of hours just as a one off?

It will take a while to get your strength back so don't over do it, but you will recover in time. It's just a very rough patch you're going through right now.

You're doing bloody amazing! Stop beating yourself up, you've been ill. Sod the washing and the cleaning. You can't be mother of the year when you're unwell and just trying to get through the day with both you and the kid still alive is enough of an achievement right now.

You'll hopefully start to feel a bit better over the next few days and then you'll get back to your normal self. You can sort the house out and do something nice with the kid to make up for it.

i sympathise. Would you feel comfortable asking on a local Facebook page, or something along those lines, for someone available to clean, do laundry etc at short notice (like tomorrow)? A local mum may jump at this during school hours.

My mother thinks messaging me via WhatsApp is a suitable alternative to being present to help

she lives abroad! What do you want her to do?

Fuck the housework. Do what you can,when you can, if you can.

You've been ill, not sat on your bum watching soap operas all day, while still being functional enough to look after your boy. No one is a perfect parent, most of us are just good enough and the standards are even lower when ill.

Will your son sit an watch telly /a tablet for a while just so you can rest? Can you afford for a cleaner to come in ? Will any of your friends do a load of washing or two for you?

Remember, it takes a village. You're very lucky to have that village, it's not something to be ashamed of and needing help is not a weakness.

Yep been there but with 4 kids 2 autistic, my mum lives 10 minutes away but wouldn’t help and ex isn’t involved. It’s awful and I’m right there with you was NOT cut out for being a single mum!

@LondonLupie1984
Your whole system has been shaken up and depleted. It’s no wonder you don’t feel strong mentally. But you’ll get there. Just small steps. Parenting a non-verbal ASD toddler on your own is no picnic. 💐

What struck me was, you must be quite nice because you have people around you willing to help. So there’s a plus. When you get on your feet again try to do little bits for them if you can? So that they feel the favour is returned and will be around d to help if you need it again?

With the mess, my only tip when it seems overwhelming is set a timer for 20 minutes. Try not to break at all during that 20 mins (When DC is in bed?) When the timer goes off pat yourself on the back at how much you’ve got done. If you feel up to it, repeat.
Very often I can keep going for 3 hours using the timer trick. Works wonders for clearing out cupboards etc.

Typical MN beating the OP at their most vulnerable: check. 😂

Well if op was my child I'd be on first plane back!!!

If I was your neighbour I would happily do laundry or whatever needed such as take your little one to feed the ducks whilst you rested, reach out and take any help offered💐

I know it feels extreme but in this sort of scenario asking the hospital to refer your child to the disabled social services team for respite might be a good idea. You sound utterly exhausted and an experienced foster carer might be a godsend. You could also self refer to safe families for support (similar to respite foster care but charity sector).

Kindly, piss off!

No I won't be putting my son into Foster care.

Have you actually asked if any of your friends/family would mind popping round for a couple of hours to help with some housework and make a quick meal? Don’t ask don’t get and all that?

It's so rough isn't it? My mum's emotionally unavailable and lacks empathy. She told me once I turned 18 I wasn't her concern anymore. So I rarely turn to to her for anything. She abandoned me for her husband, and has continued to reject me ever since. In my head I aways thought a mother was supposed to love and support you no matter what, but she's never been there. When she says she loves me, it feels very insincere because her actions tell me otherwise.

I'm just having a rough week, I'm sure things will improve. Thanks for your kind words.

Mothers are not obliged to care for their kids kids.S

Thanks for the helpful feedback. I'm employed full time and have a good career in construction. I was actually thinking of getting a cleaner in every couple of weeks to help with household chores because it's a struggle to get everything done. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes... Aside from my son's god mother who takes him once a month, I literally have no time to myself. I know this won't last forever.

Bless you, I hope you feel better. Agree with previous poster who suggested cleaner if you can afford it. It's nice you have friends who helped a little. I'm a single parent too and know how hard it can be.

Don't doubt your parenting skills, you are a human being entitled to be snappy when down. Your dc won't be scarred by it x

I am a Lp . My ds has asd/adhd so get it .. Do what you can for now .... it is bloody hard when you are poorly -

I do remember giving mybds a fruit lollipop thinking that will do as a fruit🤣.

Just rest as much as you can... Be kind to yourself . None of us win top parent awards when we are really poorly- it is just survival mode-

Hope you feel better soon,

I don't expect her to care for my son. Bog off please.

Op, have you asked her/them? ‘Hi mum/friend/cousin, I’m still feeling unwell and struggling; is there any chance I could borrow you for a couple of hours tomorrow to watch X so I can have a quick nap and put a wash on? Or if you’re feeling very generous to help me give the place a quick clean’

Dont ask don’t get OP, have you asked them?