Arrangements with my Ex to see our daughter

Quebec Lady · 2023-03-03T21:23:06+00:00

When we divorced, I offered 50-50 co-parenting with my ex over our daughter, who is nearly three years old. My ex said that they needed their family support and left the county to move closer to their family 300 miles away. Obviously 50-50 does not work when so far away, therefore I have my daughter predominately (about 98%) of the time. I pay for her full time nursery (about 1k or more a month) and work a full time job, have no family or support from my ex in my location (where my career is and where our daughter was born) my ex pays the basic rate in line with the CSA calculator however managed to take 50-50 in equity from the family home sales etc. When my ex sees our daughter, I have to drive half-way which I am paying for in fuel and our daughter misses nursery which I have already paid for (as fees are un-changeable whether they attend or not) my ex doesn't give me money for fuel or towards the nursery. Should I happily let our daughter have time out of nursery which she enjoys at the expense of myself? And should i be paying the fuel money for her to go see her other parent when things are already very tight on my end financially?

FatherB · 05/03/2023 19:14

So a lot of people will say that the person who moved should do all the travelling BUT if it goes to court, that is not how the court will see it. Moving to be closer to family support is a totally legit reason, and if the mother makes that decision, nobody would question it.

So unfortunately travel arrangements are just going to be difficult. I also had to deal with big costs for travelling half way, the way I worked out to save costs on travel was to agree with my ex that both of us would drive the entire way there and back. Granted for a car journey that probably doesn't help a lot, but for trains it helped a lot to do one longer return journey, rather than 2 returns to a half way point. Maybe a train journey might work in your situation?

Time out of nursery is more nuanced, in that time with dad is limited and it doesn't 'increase' your cost per se, just wastes it. When school comes around it's not going to be an issue anyway because you can't let her take days off of school, so personally I wouldn't push this point if it's going to cause an argument because it really only affects the short term.

Are the days of visits quite consistent? I would try and make sure they at least cover a weekend, even if it includes a friday or a monday sometimes right now, because eventually she'll be in school and will only be able to do weekends outside of school holidays.

The money stuff is all neither here nor there if he pays the minimum amount you can't force him to pay more.

If I were you I would focus on nailing down some consistency, and make it clear that you're ok with certain things now but once DC starts school, obviously things will have to change. If you really want to push for changing things, then go down the route of slowly changing them over time to the school schedule so that DC will be used to it when they start school.

FatherB · 05/03/2023 19:15

Sorry for the big message but nobody else posted so I wanted to offer some help, from my position.

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 19:41

You are putting more in than your ex. However, if you feel ok about your dc seeing your ex and do not have any serious concerns, then I think it might be worth continuing at the moment… in the long run you will at least be able to say that you did your best to facilitate contact.

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 19:48

Ask again ( by email so I’m writing?) for him to contribute to the lost nursery time and the cost for travel and make a note of the responses or lack of. In case you want this as a bargaining chip in future.
I think reliability is important- so that you and your DD know when she is visiting etc and is not let down on a whim. However I would be wary of insisting on too much ‘consistency’ as you don’t want to get trapped into a schedule which someone else starts to expect and maybe demand, when you are the one having to put most effort and money in to making it happen.

Original poster

Quebec Lady · 06/03/2023 11:59

FatherB · 05/03/2023 19:14

So a lot of people will say that the person who moved should do all the travelling BUT if it goes to court, that is not how the court will see it. Moving to be closer to family support is a totally legit reason, and if the mother makes that decision, nobody would question it.

So unfortunately travel arrangements are just going to be difficult. I also had to deal with big costs for travelling half way, the way I worked out to save costs on travel was to agree with my ex that both of us would drive the entire way there and back. Granted for a car journey that probably doesn't help a lot, but for trains it helped a lot to do one longer return journey, rather than 2 returns to a half way point. Maybe a train journey might work in your situation?

Time out of nursery is more nuanced, in that time with dad is limited and it doesn't 'increase' your cost per se, just wastes it. When school comes around it's not going to be an issue anyway because you can't let her take days off of school, so personally I wouldn't push this point if it's going to cause an argument because it really only affects the short term.

Are the days of visits quite consistent? I would try and make sure they at least cover a weekend, even if it includes a friday or a monday sometimes right now, because eventually she'll be in school and will only be able to do weekends outside of school holidays.

The money stuff is all neither here nor there if he pays the minimum amount you can't force him to pay more.

If I were you I would focus on nailing down some consistency, and make it clear that you're ok with certain things now but once DC starts school, obviously things will have to change. If you really want to push for changing things, then go down the route of slowly changing them over time to the school schedule so that DC will be used to it when they start school.

I understand in one sense that they needed family support* but I do feel it was more for the reason of being closer to their current partner as they had a career and living accommodation here. But it is what is it, that was their decision and I have no grievances towards that.

It is difficult with regards to when they can see our child because of the line of work they are in (shifts over weekends and weekdays) therefore they like to do it in block periods, like a week or 10 days. But a valid point with regards to schooling, as they will then only be able to do it within the school holiday periods which will need some planning. As for now I just feel a little conflicted with being left to raise our child and having to foot the nursery bill when it's their turn to see her.

Thank you for your message

OP posts:

Original poster

Quebec Lady · 06/03/2023 12:06

JussathoB · 05/03/2023 19:48

Ask again ( by email so I’m writing?) for him to contribute to the lost nursery time and the cost for travel and make a note of the responses or lack of. In case you want this as a bargaining chip in future.
I think reliability is important- so that you and your DD know when she is visiting etc and is not let down on a whim. However I would be wary of insisting on too much ‘consistency’ as you don’t want to get trapped into a schedule which someone else starts to expect and maybe demand, when you are the one having to put most effort and money in to making it happen.

I have always been happy for contact and arrangements to be made as long as it is consistent as I don't want it to affect our daughter growing up if it wasn't. I just don't want to feel like I'm footing all the bills plus lost nursery time and fuel money.

Yes sent the second email, will keep this as evidence thank you.

So far no let downs on a whim however I don't really know in advance when they are seeing her or not other than a month before sometimes less which is only a pain with regards to nursery.

OP posts: